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Is Pitbull a hero from the future? A Spinoff investigation

The coincidences have mounted to the point where it must be asked – has Pitbull come back to the future to warn us about our impending ecological demise? On the release day of his new album Climate Change, Carys Goodwin dares to investigate.

It’s 3:05am and I’m staring at a Zumba choreography video set to ‘6am’ by Colombian reggaeton megastar J Balvin. I’m mesmerised. I attempted Zumba for a brief period during university, when myself and a few friends would wander to Dunedin club Urban Factory and dance awkwardly to Gasolina. But this man – Claudio the choreographer – he has it. He mouths along “cuál es tu nombre mujer [what’s your name, woman],” and I want to answer. He knows something I don’t.

SUSPICIOUS

Zumba circa 2011 is also when I remember first becoming aware of Pitbull (aka Mr Worldwide, aka former Mr 305), Miami icon and global superstar. Anyone who has ever attempted Zumba will know the track I’m talking about – it’s called ‘Move Shake Drop’ and also features Flo Rida. Predictably, it goes something like: “MOVE MOVE SHAKE SHAKE NOW DROP”.

It has been years since I’ve Zumba-ed, but my fascination with Pitbull has only grown and today, he’s released a new album, Climate Change – the latest in a series of deeply intriguing album titles. The others? Globalisation and Global Warming. Is Pitbull, in between the counting-in-Spanish, white suits, and lush parties, secretly a climate scientist? Is this part of an elaborate ploy to bring the plight of our natural world into the clubs of Miami? Is he the hero we need right now?

In the lead up to the album, I took to his Spotify and various interview clips scattered across YouTube to test a simple hypothesis: that Pitbull is a party boy time traveller from a post-apocalyptic future who, in between releasing massive bangers and collaborating with everyone from Ke$ha to Ne-Yo, is attempting to warn us of the dark climate disaster path ahead.

Evidence 1: the music

To set the mood:

The obvious place to start searching for answers was inside the albums that first made clear his awareness of global events. ‘Global Warming’, the first song on the album Global Warming, speaks of ‘Category 6s’. “Take this as a, take this as a warning,” croons Pitbull in the first verse, “welcome to, welcome to global warming.”

Still from Global Warming video – very futuristic

Comment on Global Warming video. Is this Pitbull himself? How does he know 2060 is the year?

The warnings continue throughout the album, pointing towards the very real possibility Pitbull knows exactly what will happen in the future he has inexplicably appeared from. In ‘Feel This Moment’, he chuckles after singing “I see the future / But live for the moment / Makes sense, don’t it?” The next song is explicit – it’s called ‘Back in Time’. As predicted, the lyrics go something like “to understand the future, we have to go back in time.”

Isolated from the poppy beats and superstar guests, his lyrics are stark, depressing; and they aren’t subtle. Later in the album, on ‘Get it Started’, Pitbull alludes to his supernatural abilities and possible collusion with Scientology. “The world is mine, sixth sense, I see the seven signs,” he sings. Later, “Big news, Pitbull, Tom Cruise, Mumbai.”

The hints are also explicit on his 2014 album, Globalization. In the video for ‘Fun’, Pitbull is handed a document for an investigation. Enhancing the document reveals it is from the US Department of Justice: Drug Enforcement Agency. Is he showing us that he’s undercover?

S E N S I T I V E – a very futuristic font

What about in ‘This is Not a Drill’: “This is not a drill / This is not a false alarm / This shit is for real”? Is this a desperate plea for us mere mortals to believe his warnings? To listen when he says, in ‘Ah Leke’, that he’s the “Lord of Pit”?

I spoke to the Pitbull New Zealand Fan Club in order to figure out where to go next – they told me their favourite song, but they didn’t respond to my inquiry as to whether or not Pitbull is here on a mission.

I was not deterred, however, because Pitbull has a quite frankly massive discography. A list of my findings:

  • ‘Timber’ could be about deforestation.
  • ‘Fuego’ means fire. “Ten cuidado con el fuego,” he warns. Be careful with the fire.
  • He has a song called ‘Mr. Right Now’. Trying too hard to convince us he’s not from the future?
  • In ‘Piensas (Dile la Verdad)’, similarly, he makes a point of telling us, “la vida de Armando [Pitbull] es de verdad, por supuesto,” which means “Armando’s life is true, of course”. Is it?
  • ‘Greenlight’ could be a secret call for Green policies. In fact, he says, “Wwild out, shout out / Beehive, hit the honeycomb hideout, ayy.” Is he involved in New Zealand politics somehow? Is he the next Kim Dotcom? Did he predict Lorde’s new single?
  • His latest song, a collaboration with aforementioned Colombian reggaeton megastar J Balvin for ‘Fate of the Furious’, notes “girl it’s getting hotter / I can’t take much more”. Is the fate of the furious actually unrelenting global warming?
  • If you play ‘Feel the Moment’ backwards this happens:

Conclusion: the lyrics speak the truth. Pitbull knows something we don’t.

Evidence 2: the man

Yet lyrics alone were not enough to support my initial hypothesis – international superstars can make political statements without being from the future, and on the basis of these songs it was not yet clear if he’s a member of the Illuminati. I needed to go deeper, and start looking at the man himself. I present my findings, a series of worrying circumstances:

  1. Earlier this week, in advance of the release of Climate Change, Pitbull hosted a cruise, Pitbull After Dark Party. Despite being extortionately expensive – at $950USD for the cheapest ticket – it was almost entirely sold out. The cruise left Miami and arrived three days later in the Bahamas. I have to ask – is this a test run for a future, when the flooding gets too severe even for New Lynn? For when you remove the D from Dark, you get a deeply suspicious message – that this boat is actually an Ark. Pitbull’s Ark?
  2. In July 2015, when accepting an award, Pitbull strayed briefly into politics, delivering a poignant message in advance of the US elections. “Marco Rubio, ponte las pilas. Jeb Bush, ponte las pilas. Hillary Clinton, ponte las pilas – porque Donald Trump no puede ser presidente” – effectively, he told the first three candidates to get it together, because Trump can’t be President. Not won’t, but can’t. Why? Because Pitbull is from the future and knew that it was likely too late to change the trajectory of world history. He was desperate.
  3. Pitbull looks like a naked mole rat – utterly hairless and suspiciously pale, despite living in Miami, which is a very warm and sunny location. I believe this is because he is radioactive, damaged from a future nuclear disaster.
  4. The name ‘Mr 305’ might have a sinister message. The phrase, repeated over and over throughout all of Pitbull’s old songs, is thought to represent a Miami area code or even his former record label – but it could also be an allusion to the Illuminati. In popular, historically accurate novel Angels & Demons by Dan Brown, protagonist Robert Langdon visits the Vatican archives to see a secret piece of Galileo’s writing. It is there he reveals that 503 – which is 305 backwards – is actually an Illuminati number.

“No. Oddly though, wherever allusions to the segno appear – Masonic diaries, ancient scientific journals, Illuminati letters – it is often referred to by a number.”

“666?”

Langdon smiled. “Actually it’s 503.”

“Meaning?”

“None of us could ever figure it out. I became fascinated with 503, trying everything to find meaning in the number – numerology, map references, latitudes.” Langdon reached the end of the aisle, turned the corner, and hurried to scan the next row of tabs as he spoke. “For many years the only clue seemed to be that 503 began with the number five… one of the sacred Illuminati digits.”

Conclusion: the evidence is stacking up. While Pitbull’s lyrics allude to warnings and catastrophe, it is Pitbull out-and-about that gives us the clearest indication that he is actually from the future – and possibly a member of the Illuminati.

Evidence 3: the (social) media

The question at this point, of course, is whether or not Pitbull is a sinister time traveller, or one sent to save us. The answer, I believe, can be found on his social media platforms.

The lead up to this album release has been troubling. On Tuesday, he tweeted “let the party transport you”. Transport us where, Pitbull? And on Monday, “float with the party”. Did the Ark live up to his expectations? On Sunday, he published a photo of himself absolutely knocking back an ambiguous white spirit – while on stage. This could only be accomplished with some serious technology.

Finally, his album teaser asks us which track will make us move. I don’t know, Pitbull, what do your tracks say? Where should we be moving? Why are your tweets currently so transport-focused?

Yet, if I had to describe Pitbull’s regular Twitter and Instagram messaging in one sentence, it would be ‘vague motivational statements and weekday-related hashtags accompanying photos of himself’.

There is pain in those eyes

Even though Pitbull is trying to tell us that our days are numbered, he doesn’t want us to worry. He wants us to reach for the stars – perhaps literally, who knows – and to keep striving. Perhaps he thinks of us like a dying pet, and he wants our short, doomed lives to be filled with whatever joy we can find.

Conclusion: Yes, Pitbull is warning us. Yes, Pitbull is from the future. But yes, Pitbull wants to save us all – even if from ourselves.

When I decided to embark upon this investigation I wasn’t sure what I’d find. I had my suspicions, of course, but I didn’t realise I’d find proof – irrefutable proof – that Pitbull was secretly a time-travelling Illuminati member from the future. My hypothesis? Undeniably correct.

Who knows what this album will bring – perhaps details about the climate disaster we are catapulting towards; perhaps insights into what allowed him to return to present day Miami. Whatever it is, I will be on the lookout for messages embedded in the lyrics. Because I am onto Pitbull.

He may be Mr Worldwide, but cannot hide from me.


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