It’s our tucker, sure, but how do the items on the new song hold up against a good ol’ ranking? Sam Brooks puts his New Zealand passport on the line to rank them.
How many fast food items do you know that have their own song? Not many, if any, am I right?
Well, even fewer of them have two songs. And now, thanks to Troy Kingi and Anika Moa, the Kiwiburger can lay claim to this dubious record (I did not look up if this was a record, do not arrest me Guinness Record Book Police).
Behold the new version:
While the old song, nearly 30 years old now, is still a banger, some of the lyrics sort of uh, jar. See: Mow-ree haka, raising beasts, ponga shoots, moggy cats, kia oras and cricket wins. That last one is famously not true.
The new song updates the lyrics which is good for two reasons. Firstly, it’s able to reflect a more diverse New Zealand, and while I don’t look to my 3am post-drinking meal for my representation, I appreciate the effort. Secondly, it allows the songwriters to rhyme with a lot more words, which I’m sure they appreciate.
In keeping with Spinoff tradition, I’ve ranked the items in the new Kiwiburger song, entirely according to my own preferences and nobody else’s. As always: Don’t @ me, just rest in the bliss of knowing that I am wrong. It’ll satisfy you more than letting me know about it will.
There has to be a last place, and I’m sticking the stake in the ground and saying that biltong is the least of these lyrics. Look, I like my meat as much as any other meat-eater, and I love it when I know that it’s fully dead. But biltong? Biltong tastes like it was never truly alive. If you put salt on a concrete tile, you would get more out of it than biltong.
Dolphins are the otters of the ocean. Real ones know what I’m talking about.
44. Golf wins
A sport where rich people swing metal to knock white balls onto land that could be better used for other purposes. Down the bottom.
43. Sailing yachts
It’s amazing how a sport that is so full of scandal and corruption can be so goddamned boring to watch?
42. World Peace
I would love if someone, somewhere, could define what exactly world peace means in practical terms. What does it look like to you? What does it feel like? Genuinely!
41. Yeah nah
Fact: Yeah nah is a sigh for help. If you find yourself exhaling this, get help.
40. Cuppa tea
This is one of those phrases that should never be written, only said. This looks cursed when it’s written down.
Has anybody said monotone in a way that wasn’t pejorative? “Oh, I love that dude’s monotone” is not a sentence that has been uttered anywhere ever, unless you read that sentence out loud just then.
Harmonies, plural? Great. Harmony, singular? Sad.
Rainbows are pretty but they’re just water and light. I wouldn’t trust a rainbow to hold my drink, you know?
Experienced ukulele players rock, and should be celebrated. But if you’re at a party and some white guy pulls out a ukulele make way to your nearest window and defenestrate him for the greater good. Sometimes it’s kinder!
(Bonus points to this Kiwiburger song for giving ukulele the right pronounciation. It’s ‘u’ as in ‘ooh, you’ve got an instrument that isn’t an ukulele!’ not ‘u’ as in ‘ew, that’s a ukulele you bought from the Rock Shop for $50’.)
35. Ping Pong
A sport best played drunk/tipsy unless you’re an Olympian, in which case please move this to #1. I’m not disagreeing with an Olympian.
Stains everything. That picture of your beetroot just stained your screen just by looking at it.
33. League tries
Obviously this refers to the classic Kiwi passtime of taking another go at the Pokemon League in the iconic Pokemon series. Well done for recognising this Kiwi pastime, Kiwiburger songwriters.
Look here: Ketchup is actually not tomato sauce! It’s vinegar-y! This is science. But it fits better in a rhyme, which is why it is part of the Kiwiburger song. You try fit “tomato sauce” into a song that isn’t “criss-cross, tomato sauce” and even then we all know that should be “apple sauce”.
31. Chilly bins
A chilly bin is not inherently chilly. It needs ice to be a chilly bin. Really, ice is the lead actor in the chilly bin situation, the chilly bin is merely the Watson to ice’s Holmes.
30. Salsa (the dance, not the dip)
Salsa makes me think of “singles salsa”, which makes me think of the film Happy-Go-Lucky with a truly tremendous performance by Sally Hawkins that also, somehow, manages to make me sad. Be away with you salsa.
29. Kiwiburger, love one please
I have had a Kiwiburger and let me tell you, it’s more of a “oh sure why not, thank you” experience than a “love one please”, but I can’t expect the song named after the burger, that’s also selling the burger, to share my opinion.
If the most famous (read: fun) variant of your sport is the version where the participants are on ice, then you’re not doing well. See also: skating, climbing, Disney.
27. Flat white
If this were a ranking of ‘things you say while tired, defeated, and regretting your life choices’, then flat white would make it near the top of the list. But it’s not, so it’s here.
26. Mountain tops
Looking at mountain tops? Great. Solid effort. AAA+++, would look at again.
Climbing mountain tops? Look, I’m just real hectic this month, we might have to raincheck.
Look, when it’s great, it’s great. But when it’s not, it’s aggressively not. You could say the same thing about many things, including people and this very ranking.
Never eaten a kumara and not wished it was a potato. Your mileage may vary here. The problem might be that I’m eating a kumara whole. You decide!
A versatile piece of clothing, one that I wish I owned more of, and in a range of colours.
Look at the above comment and if you’re surprised rugby comes in here.
21. Honey bees
Pros: life on earth.
Cons: stings, makes people flap their hands annoyingly to get them away.
Up to you which one matters to you more.
Pros: The best are great, some of the coolest people you know have them.
Cons: The worst are very bad, some of the very worst people you know have them.
19. Kauri trees
The trees? Beautiful, stunning, they’re Linda Evangelista. Also? A great way to tell if your mates are dicks is if they contributed to the kauri dieback.
Great curry. As far as beef goes? One of the best ways you can have it! No notes. I started cooking literally months ago, please don’t take my advice on this or anything food-related.
17. ‘On a mince pie’
On one hand, clearly a lyrical crutch. On another hand, mince pie! (This is obviously a proper meat/meat-adjacent mince pie. We do not tolerate any sort of fruit mince pie nonsense at The Spinoff. This is our official stance, I have now decided.)
It’s a sport! That I have played exactly once at school and really enjoyed. That’s enough to get it towards the middle, y’all.
Points off for being a lyrical crutch. Points on for being a sport that I actually somewhat understand now, and will watch compilations of.
Sushi! Even if you’re sometimes bad, I’ll probably blame it on myself for “not getting it”, or at the very least “not getting it before it goes on discount at 4pm”.
13. Chur Bro
Honestly the rhythm of “chur bro” doesn’t just sit gorgeously in this song, it sits gorgeously in any sentence, in any conversation. It says so much with so little. I am not enough of anything to pull off “chur bro”, but I relish hearing it.
12. Kapa haka
A small serious moment: When I was in high school, kapa haka was a better way for a lot of kids to access and engage their roots and whakapapa than nearly anything else. Plus, it’s genuinely dazzling to watch. Slap a hat on, because there’s no shade here.
11. Lucky cats
I always feel better when looking upon a lucky cat, and the seemingly perpetual motion of the shiny cat waving at me/mimicking the shower scene for Psycho.
10. Umu feeds
Credit, once more, to the Kiwiburger songwriters for managing to work the phrase ‘umu feeds’ into a song. Credit to umu feeds for being delicious as all hell.
9. Egg and cheese
You can’t go wrong with egg and cheese in any ratio. Either you’ve got a tonne of melted cheese with some egg, or a barnyard’s worth of eggs with some cheese, or somewhere else on the egg-cheese spectrum, but at any rate you’re set! Is it healthy? Who knows! I’m not a nutritionist and statistically speaking, you probably aren’t either.
A wise person I once knew would always say, “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your whānau.” Dubious linguistics aside, it’s a statement I value, and thus this ranking.
A great greeting that I’m wise enough not to disparage in any way! Go on and cancel someone else, readers!
6. Nuke free
Did you see Chernobyl? I rate it, frankly, and I also rate the state of living in a place that you can’t turn into a critically acclaimed miniseries, quite highly!
Not just a delicious as hell staple that I’ll often devour before any main meal actually arrives, but the namesake of one of the best ever Drag Race queens. Nothing about this is objective!
I feel like it goes without saying that music would not be the same without hip-hop! Sometimes these rankings are obvious, sometimes they’re arbitrary, and sometimes they’re affected by the fact that Missy Elliot made music related to one of the items. Sorry, biltong!
3. Yum cha
A meal should be a celebration. And I’ve never felt more like celebrating a meal than at yum cha. So here it goes!
2. Living free
As Baz Luhrmann wrote in 1997, we’re all free to wear sunscreen. Also? The rest of these mean nothing without this one.
But it’s still not the winner because of…
1. Hot Kai
It’s hot kai. What else do you need?
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.