Yesterday morning TV3 called for public tip-offs as to who should be New Zealand’s first ever right honourable Bachelor. They are encouraging the public to nominate “a friend, brother, cousin, colleague or son” that is looking for love. If you have anyone in mind, send their names into email@example.com. But also maybe check with your son first.
I sat down and wrote the world’s longest list of NZ hunks* that I would like to see conduct a rose ceremony. After much whittling, and much embarrassing and incriminating googling, here are my top ten:
10) Matthew Ridge
I once saw Matthew Ridge playing Space Invaders by himself at Burgerfuel and it was one of the most poignant moments of my life. The guy is clearly ready for a BMX-riding partner in crime.
9) Phil Rudd
Could really do with a nice lass to piggy-back him towards the straight and narrow. Let love be his drug for once etc.
8) Gareth Stewart
Want a soulmate? How about the head chef of Soul, mate? They’d have to pay him in gold-plated oysters to make him leave MKRNZ, but it would be worth it to see this smokeshow bringing major heat outside of the kitchen.
7) Levi Hawken
And the headline shall read, “Nek Minnit: Marriage”
6) Max Key
Every bride just wants to walk down the aisle to a 17 minute long track called “Genesis” at a wedding hosted by the Ya Ya Club.
5) Jason Ede
A little birdie told me that Ede is looking for a caddie of his own. Let’s see if this good spin doctor can get some spin on, your heart.
4) James Rolleston
We’ve seen him flirt his way through multiple Vodafone ads, let’s invade the Dead Lands of his heart and get this Boy a wife.
3) Michael Galvin
2) Deep Dive Man
Freediver William Trubridge recently failed pretty hard on his record-breaking attempt, and is probably looking for someone to mend his broken heart (broken = exploded due to the pressure of 10000000 gallons of water). Looking forward to New Zealand’s first underwater marriage brought to you by Steinlager Pure.
1) Kim Dot Com
The obvious first choice. With Mona out of the picture, the Dot Com mansion is the perfect reality TV set, and our German vest spokesman is the perfect Bachelor. Contestants can race each other on golf carts around the grounds, feed his plastic giraffe and take turns skyping Edward Snowden. Before he takes over the States in 2016, let’s download Dot Com some Mega Love.
The Bachelor NZ will air on TV3 in 2015
*some of these entrants may not be hunky and/or single
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