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DWTSNZ: A Rapid Fire Response to the Full Cast of Shimmying Celebrity Contestants

Alex Casey grapevines through the Dancing With the Stars NZ lineup for 2015 and makes some early predictions.

The full cast of Dancing With the Stars was revealed on X Factor NZ last night, exploding from inside a huge disco ball like spray tanned chicks hatching from the egg of their glittery mother, MediaWorks. And what a line-up it is. They’ve got the balance just right – half female, half male. Half ex or current MediaWorks employees, half soon-to-be guest judging toilets on The Block. Here’s what we’ll be dealing with when Dancing With the Stars sashsay’s onto our screens within five seconds of the X Factor winner being crowned

Jay Jay Feeney

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“Jay Jay is the Beyoncé of The Edge” said Sharyn ‘Solange’ Casey. Yep, that seems like a perfectly fine comparison. Can’t dispute that. With Mike on The Bachelor, and Jay Jay on DWTSNZ, there’s only one madhouse member who hasn’t been let out of their straitjacket. That’s coming later in the year when Dom Harvey hosts an after-hours version of The Block. Entitled The Shock Jock Cock Block, Dom will run around interrupting the couples getting too cozy under their respective tarpaulins. Anyway, Jay Jay was never not going to be on this show.

Colin Mathura-Jeffree

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Since New Zealand’s Next Top Model and Hottest Home Baker, Colin has grown himself a luscious curly mane of hair which will look sensational in motion. I saw him at the dog groomers the other day with a similarly coiffed pooch, and his dog was truly immaculate. I’d make a joke about a dog episode, but it’s probably on the cards. The Campbell Live driving dogs are probably learning the Charleston right now. Colin is a fine pick for the show. Fingers crossed that getting him back on TV3 screens might kneeslide us right into a Top Model reboot.

Siobhan Marshall

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The Outrageous Fortune actress appears to be in, what can only be described as, a living breathing hell.

Ben Barrington

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The Almighty Johnsons actor is paired with Rodney Hide’s ill-fated dance partner from the last season, so all he has to do is not drop her. He seems like a good sport, and he’s been in The Strip so the best we can hope for is a Magic Mike (Puru) sort of scenario.

Pam Corkery

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You know when you write something as a hilarious joke and the reason it’s a hilarious joke is because it’s plain ridiculous and would never happen in the real world? That’s exactly what has happened here. Pam. Corkery. The longer I mull over this idea, the more I absolutely love it. Pam seems like she is genuinely out to have a right laugh and take zero shit from anyone, and she’ll probably be great to watch. And that is my own personal, Political Confession.

Shane Cameron

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This will be spectacular. Heavyweight boxer Shane Cameron is an enormous guy, and I am getting a psychic reading that he will split his pants at least twice. Feels illegal that Nerida gets to still be on as a non-celeb dancer, I think after multiple Woman’s Day covers you should be out of the running. Nice to see she’s taken hairspiration from The Bachelor’s Dani though, will make this whole ordeal much more palatable.

Teuila Blakely

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Teuila ”hot actress” Blakely (Dom’s words, not mine) would be an early favourite for me. She is extraordinarily poised, gliding around this Earth like a swan princess. I once saw her making three point turn on Ponsonby Road and was so transfixed by her calm and grace that I walked into a pole.

Maz Quinn

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Someone has surfed right into his own living breathing personal hell. Pull up a chair next to Siobhan.

Simon Barnett

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Simon “really hot old dude” Barnett (Sharyn’s words) will skewer his partner with his rigid hair spikes within 2 minutes of the first number. Can’t help but feel that his colleague might have been the wiser choice:

Chrystal Chenery

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Point of order Dom, Chrystal is not “from The Bachelor bedroom” – you are up shit creek if you think she made it to as far as the overnight dates. This is even worse than the time you thought Art’s sister was his girlfriend. MediaWorks, if you are going to tie all your shows into one giant television rat king, can we at least get our facts right?

I’m so goddamn psyched about Chrystal being back on our screens, she better open mouth kiss Dom or I want my money back. Plus, she can definitely do at least one type of dance:

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Got an more early DWTSNZ predictions? Slide into our comments. We’re all in this rat king together now, tails bound for all of eternity.

 

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