Alex Casey pitches ten potential celebrity candidates to perform on Dancing With the Stars 2015. //
This afternoon, some incredible news was delivered down to us mortals from the reality TV gods: Dancing With the Stars will be returning to TV3 later this year. I’m floored. I’m ecstatic. I’m doing the Charleston all the way to Suzanne Paul’s house and back. This is going to be insanely good television, and I couldn’t think of a better time for it to return ,with MediaWorks reviving all the old reality formats we love to hate (or is it the other way round? I don’t even know anymore).
If you aren’t aware of the format, one celeb (loose definition) is paired with a professional dancer and together they work week-to-week to choreograph and perform an absolutely ridiculous dance routine for a panel of judges.
It has brought us unforgettable historical moments like this:
And exceptional costumes like this:
I couldn’t be happier with the news. Here are a few early frontrunners that I think should pull out their leotards and lace up their jazz shoes.
Amanda Billing left Shortland Street last year after Sarah Potts was killed during a horrific outbreak of the amazing fictional virus Extract Seven. We all bought that, so why wouldn’t we embrace her triumphant resurrection on Dancing With The Stars. Plus, I’ve seen her in Chicago and I know for a fact she can dance unbelievably well.
Signature move: Kneesliding out of a coffin into the arms of a benevolent Ben Mitchell puppet.
One of TV3’s most eccentric personalities, and legendary hosts, would fit right in this sort of bedazzled environment. He’s an old hat on the catwalk, so I don’t see why he wouldn’t also be a hell of a mover on the d-floor.
Signature move: ‘The Cakewalk’ because of NZ Hottest Home Baker (presumably also scheduled to return amongst the slew of reality resurrections)
The Bakery Lady That Willy Moon Called A C***
It’s been a big year for Tracey Neal-Gailer’s after Willy Moon hissed a truly unhissable swear word at her for cutting him off in bakery car park. Not content with her open letter, or Willy and Natalia’s eviction from our bully-free lands, she will make it her vendetta to win Dancing With the Stars and secure her own sequin covered carpark outside The Baker’s Cottage.
Signature move: Dressing up like a jam donut and doing ‘The Worm’
During the leader’s debate last year, I caught a glimmer of Footloose Norman, before he was quickly scolded by Mike Hosking. He’s about to have a bunch of free time, and we know he can lead – but can he lead… a waltz? Also, if he’s too fancy to do it then maybe Len Brown could step in. He’ll be needing a job soon, right?
Signature move: A passionate tango of oppression with Mike Hosking
She left Maori TV, and now has a vague job at Radio NZ, but it seems like Caro could squeeze in a bit of Samba into her daily schedule. We just want to see her back on TV, basically. If it has to be on a stupid dance show, so be it..
Signature move: Doing ‘The Robot’ to the tune of a thousand St John’s medical alarms going off.
The Man Up the Kauri Tree
Protestor Michael Tavares climbed 25m up the Titirangi Kauri and refused to budge for four days. That’s passion, endurance and just enough madness to go far in a competition that demands you dip yourself in spray tan and sequins periodically. We know he isn’t afraid of heights, so what’s a little longer stuck in the public eye on an uncomfortable platform.
Signature move: ‘That’s Ent-ertainment’, which is basically doing a C-walk along the branches of a fake tree (Ent model provided by Weta Workshops)
The Cork’s grand re-emergence during last year’s campaign only whet our appetite for more from the nation’s angry aunty Pam. Plus her male brothel advocacy shows she has no issue with the embrace of strange, oily men, which is big advantage on this show.
Signature move: ‘The Puffed Up Little Shit’. Pam wears a huge parachute dress, inflates it and sails high above the audience whilst yelling obscenities. Host Jason Gunn has to shoot her down with a blow dart.
Love this guy. Love. This. Guy. He has proven every night during the weather that he has the moves to divide an entire nation, and even magically bring on both rain and shine. His dance partner? The North Island (the South Island would not have a bar of his nonsense). If TV1 have an issue letting him go, Hickey would step up to the plate in a flash.
Signature move: Spirit fingers, obviously. And a rain dance. And the moonwalk. Because of tides.
Tova had the stand-off of the year in 2014 with Winston Peters outside an elevator door. She has the patience, poise and determination to put on a fantastic performance week in, week out. Plus, she clearly has no problem with “difficult lifts”, which is a huge asset to the competition.
Signature move: A three hour long interpretive dance piece set inside a 1 X 1 model elevator.
I will fight for Wayne to return to television until my final breath. Manurewa’s Singer of Songs can swing his hips like crazy, and will probably simultaneously perform his own backing music for free.
Signature move: Doing 100 Tom Jones hip thrusts and paying people in the audience to throw their underwear onstage.