You might think the festive season is a time for togetherness, positivity and joy, but you could not be more wrong. Here’s a rundown of the usual suspects getting ready to leave a turd in your Christmas trifle.
It’s December, which means it’s time to start judging the unholy crap out of each other to celebrate Shitmas.
It’s the time of year for all the terrible opinions about how to a Proper Christmas and what to say to your kids about enemy number one, Santa H Claus. It’s time to decorate the house and you better do it full of fucking joy.
You might think that maybe in the spirit of giving you should just ignore what your neighbour is doing and I don’t know, focus on literally anything else in the world. Maybe then you might find people actually want to spend time with you at this time of year. But what do I know?
Your favourite judgey yuletide chode burgers have some special Christmas wisdom coming your way. You’re going to meet some of the usual suspects this December so get prepped, get ready and let’s pre-empt the lectures so we can get ahead of the game.
The Grinch
Why shouldn’t I stomp around telling kids that Santa is a figment of their stupid imaginations? Why shouldn’t I lecture parents about how they’re mindless consumer whores who are ruining the planet. Christmas decorations? Fuck you. I literally want to shit in Snoopy’s mouth and there’s nothing wrong with me. What the HELL? Why didn’t I get any Christmas presents this year!? Do I need to spend Christmas alone again? Why didn’t I get invited anywhere again this year?
The Grinch is very similar to the Columnist on deadline
Bah humbug the planet is dying and you breeders are killing us all KILLING US ALL DO YOU EVEN KNOW ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN THE MOVIE WITH AL GORE IN IT????? CHRISTMAS JOY!? I’LL SHOW YOU CHRISTMAS JOY *bites the head off a pigeon*.
That mum who thinks her child is really advanced even though once at a playdate he ate his own poo
My little Nietzsche is just struggling with his genius abilities. We tried to tell him about Santa so he could be like the other kids but you know he’s 13 months, three weeks, and two days old now and he said “My darling mother, I love you, I respect you, but I don’t need a crutch at Christmas time. I recognise the work you’re doing and I want to celebrate that. I don’t think anyone else should take the credit for all of your hard work. God is dead.” And who am I to argue with that?
Your colleague who doesn’t have children
Look, I don’t have kids, but I know that kids today are just so spoilt at Christmas time. I mean I was at the mall the other day and there were kids everywhere and their mums were shopping and I was like DON’T BUY YOUR KIDS SO MUCH SHIT. I mean kids today have everything. My cousin’s brother’s nephew’s uncle has twins and for Christmas they got a 2018 GranLusso Maserati each. And they’re only two months old. This definitely happened. When I have kids I’m going to make sure they understand that things cost money you know? Oh what am I getting for Christmas? I bought a pair of French Terriers at $2,800 each that will almost certainly need $4000 worth of surgery to correct their breeding abnormalities in six months.
The sleep therapist who needs money for her Christmas holiday
At Christmas time a new baby or old baby or a baby of an age that your baby is now should sleep for around 23 hours a day. If your baby isn’t sleeping that much, you have a serious problem. Your baby needs sleep to develop. Your baby will be brain damaged without sleep. You will get PND. Can’t you respect their need to sleep? Don’t you love them? I have a Christmas special of only six easy payments of $89.99 and if you order my online only program now I will throw in a set of steak knives.
Your grandmother
In my day we used to have to walk over broken glass in the snow to get to Christmas. The baby is hungry. You need to feed the baby. For goodness sake, cover your breasts this isn’t Jamaica.
Karen the worst person in your coffee group
Well, we don’t lie to our children by telling them Santa exists. But that’s because we love them. I mean no judgement my friend but what kind of horrible piece of shit would tell their child Santa exists? You do you! We’re all in this together! Even if you want to lie to your child which studies have shown increases their chance of living inside a crab shell by 975%. Just sharing information not judging.
Your mother-in-law/mother
Can you wear something nice to Christmas dinner? I mean, something that fits? It’s just you’re quite *spreads arms as wide as they can go* I mean just a little bit of *strains and begins sweating as she attempts to widen arms further* darling heart, sunshine of my love, I just want you to consider how you’re getting a bit *stomps around like a hippo while playing the tuba*. I love you, I love you – I just want you to be healthy you know? I just think… DEAR LORD THE BABY LOOKS MALNOURISHED CAN YOU PLEASE START HER ON SOLIDS ALREADY!
Your conspiracy theorist cousin
Did you know Santa was just created by Coke to make children drink more Coke and Coke used to have cocaine in it they wanted children to abuse drugs and Coke actually is a drug I mean makes you think right?
A celebrity chef who has a book to plug
This Christmas, let’s all remember that parents who let their children eat jelly are monsters who should be removed from their families and given to people who are actually going to take care of them. If you give your kids jelly you should just give them crack. Crack is actually healthier.
Your ultra cool “friend” who goes “plastic-free” for half of June and never shuts the fuck up about it
This Christmas we are not giving any toys. Almost all parents just mindlessly consume at Christmas. I have seen parents just literally setting up plastics factories in their yards and spewing pollution into the atmosphere. I have seen parents strangle turtles with their bare hands. Not us though. Other than like the presents I’ve already bought obviously, we will be going plastic free. I have the best app that gives me a score every time I don’t buy plastic. It’s called SmugKunt, you should try it.
That Instagram mummy blogger
This Christmas I’m buying the full set of the Mummy’s Sloppy Box Boxes, they’re a steal at only $699. I also can’t live without the Status Buggy 3000 which matches my Look At Me Parenting Nappy Bag and my Didn’t Buy Followers moisturiser which I use to hike casually while wearing my Sanctimummy brand trainers with special support that helps with my child’s digestion. Here’s a recipe that I just came up with on my own while doing a short ultramarathon and hanging out the washing #relatable and working full-time at my own company called Mummy Bloggers R Us. Be authentic. Be You. Be beautiful. You’re a good mum. You can do it! #sp #on #se #rd #Christmas #Christ #Mas #Christmastime #Christmas2017 #ChristKmartMas #Xmas #ChrissyMcChristmas
Your brother who thinks he’s an intellectual but you know that he watches Two and a Half Men while eating undercooked chicken
Christmas is actually a pagan tradition co-opted by Christians. I wish parents were more educated to consider the consumer message they’re giving their kids when they manipulate children to believe in Santa. I mean if you actually read a book for once instead of just looking after six children and working full time and sitting on the board of two not-for-profits, you’d know this. Excuse me, I do have a job now, I’m a social media intern at TOP.
That company that needs headlines over Christmas
New research bought to you by Candidiasis Office Supplies have shown that children who believe in Santa or have parents who encourage Christmas in the home are more likely to develop sacks of bee venom directly under their fingernails.
That mum who is bored and always starts fights in that mum group
Just wondering – If I was to take my child to be vaccinated this Christmas and I put them in a forward-facing car seat and then let them sleep in their capsule under a polar-fleece blanket before letting them feast on un-cut grapes and then breastfeeding him after I drop a tab of acid, do you think that would be OK? No judgement please, also attached is a photo of my child’s leg on fire – do you think I should call Healthline????
Your grandfather/dad
*Looks up from newspaper* Did you have another child? When did that happen?
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Merry 1 December friends! May you get through this joyous month with your wits intact.
Emily Writes is editor of The Spinoff Parents. Her book Rants in the Dark is out now. Buy it here. Follow her on Facebook here.