This week, as a treat for tired parents, we’re sharing a small sample of the Emily Writes Weekly newsletter free.
Term two started yesterday! The joy! The kids woke up early which was just an absolute fucking BLESSING. I talked to Hobart radio at the crack of dawn. Why? I do not know! Anyway, not the point. All this joyous compulsory family time listening to my oldest child scream at my youngest child because he touched his precious Lego and then more screaming from my youngest child who yelled at my oldest child because he didn’t touch his Lego got me thinking about how parents might need some home learning.
As your children go into a semi-coma watching television, you can try these wonderful activities that I’ve decided to call HOME! FUCKING! LEARNING! FOR! PARENTS!
Put these statements a parent made online this week in order from most insufferable to least:
- “My six-year-old is gifted and this whole don’t-worry-about-school thing is so much harder if your kid isn’t average.”
- “I’m getting so much sleep, the kids just seem to understand that I need more right now.”
- “I worry that I’m finding all of this just too relaxing. It makes me wonder why I’m not like those parents who find things to get worked up about!”
- “I never get sick of making sourdough. I think it’s because I love my family so much.”
- “This lockdown has just brought my husband and me closer together. If I could I would have him surgically attached to my stomach like a reverse tumour!”
If Steph has one glass of wine Monday, one glass of wine and three gins Tuesday, two glasses of wine, six gins and a shot of tequila Wednesday – how many standard drinks has Steph had before Friday?
Kate has posted three status updates on Facebook today about how much she is loving this time with her children. How many loaves of sourdough would it take to bury Kate alive?
How many bags are there under your eyes? Let’s draw them!
What does your existential crisis look like? Use crayons!
Let’s craft! Create a mosaic of what your life was like before kids, when you had dreams and everything was full of promise! Tip: use your bitter tears to make the glue!
Circle the vowels in this sentence: divorce lawyers don’t open again until level two.
Remember when you were six and your parents could leave you at the park until 11pm as long as you had your bike, but now it’s considered neglect if you answer your phone in the presence of your pre-teen? Great! Write a story about it!
Let’s see your imagination soar! Share with us what you’d do if you had one hour with Chris Hemsworth, a vat of honey, a small gold loin cloth and no morals.
Ka pai! You managed to just take a deep breath on the work Zoom when your 22-year-old co-worker said she loved the “witch filter” you had on but you didn’t have a filter that’s just your face. You won the value of the week: manaaki!
Tu meke! You waited until 5.01pm to have a glass of wine. That shows perseverance and strength! You won the value for the week: whirikoka!
Emily Writes Weekly has so far covered: Quibi hits, ethical porn, toxic positivity, the boys of The Bachelorette and animals attacking humans. Sign up now so you don’t miss out!
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