The Christmas toys 2019

Emily Writes: All the weird 2019 toys your kids will want for Christmas

It’s the most beautiful time of the year! Comedian Sera Devcich joins Emily Writes to share the joy and investigate the top 10 toys your ungrateful kids will want this Christmas.

It’s November which means it’s officially time for your kids to start bugging you day in and day out about what they want from Santa. If you’re like me, it’s also the time to use Santa to encourage better behaviour from your darling beloved children. I mean, the big guy gets all the credit for your hard work (typical man) so you may as well get something out of the arrangement.

So I decided to have a chat to the very funny comedian Sera Devcich about kids, Christmas and toys. Then, inspired by our beautiful and uplifting conversation, I took a look at the top Christmas toys for 2019 according to Trade Me.


Emily: I really do love the Christmassy part of Christmas, like leaving reindeer hoof marks outside and leaving out wine for Santa (she likes a pinot gris) but Christmas shopping is grim. And if you say: ‘ugh I’m broke I hate Christmas’, you get ‘you don’t have to buy them anything! Children are just happy with your presence! Your presence is a present!’. I’m like ‘have you met children?’

Sera: It’s the time of year where “mom groups” are flooded with talk of presents for Christmas and everybody starts lying about how grateful their little Tiny Tim was for his sack of grains to feed the birds last year and how he never asks for monster trucks or plastic trash anyway… He only ever asks for things that can be easily halved because he loves to share and you cant halve a monster truck but Tiny Tim would try. God bless us everyone.

Emily: Meanwhile my kids are like ‘if you don’t buy me a nerf gun I’m going to cut you’. And when you think ‘are my kids sociopaths?’ you’ll always see an update on the BEING A MUM IS FUCKING AMAZING SO BLESSED AND GRATEFUL group: ‘My little boy Paxxstin Rayne doesn’t like nerf guns because he’s just very conscious of like war and stuff? Instead he’s just asked for one feather to symbolise peaceful resistance.’

Sera: ‘Claire has only received pressed leaves for Christmas and would you believe she said to me ‘it’s like Santa and Mother Earth gave me these’. How lucky am I?’

Emily: So lucky! ‘I told my daughter Kale-Kefir that she could choose anything from Toyworld this year because she’s been so good and she just said ‘Mama, can we just sing a song instead and be present in this moment?’ I’m so blessed, I learn so much from her. Every day is so beautiful that I’m physically in pain.’

Sera: I tried to talk to my eldest daughter about how there’s only a certain amount of money to go around and her solution was that her younger sister doesn’t really understand Christmas and she would be happy with boxes. Long story short she has generously said that if she was to have all the Christmas money spent on her there would plenty of prime boxes from her gifts for the toddler to play in.

Emily: I’m jealous. My kid wants one of those twerking llama things instead of World Peace in recyclable paper.

Sera: My eldest child wants everything, she got cramp in her hand from writing to Santa. She might get RSI for Christmas is what I’m saying and it’ll be the only thing she didn’t ask for.

Emily: My four-year-old is just straight up like ‘I WANT I WANT I WANT’. He would have me sell a kidney to buy him a new Hot Wheels track and he straight wouldn’t give a fuck about it, like ‘get rid of all your organs so I can have the whole set’.


Top Christmas toys for 2019

1. Blume

“We’re creating your new self-care routine. From organic tampons to natural deodorant, you’ll find all your Blume basics here starting at $10.99.”

I guess kids will play with anything? But you should know how self-care works for babies – they shit in the bath.

Oh wait, wrong Blume. It’s actually “Blume girls magically grow to meet you and play”. OK, I’d rather buy my kid a tampon.

 

2. Treasure X aliens

“A bag of reusable ooze is included in every alien stomach as well as a tweezer tool to help pull out the alien stomach contents!”

Oh, you get an alien inside slime and you dissect it? Yeah, I can see how that would be popular with kids. We are on a full slime ban because we live in a rental. So my kids will never get this. Ever. Which is great.

3. L.O.L Surprise! Ooh Lala Baby

“Help your little one complete her LOL collection with the L.O.L. Surprise! Ooh La La Baby Surprise. It features Lil Sisters like you have never seen them before. This L.O.L. Makeup Surprise can come with a bigger version of Lil Kitty Queen that comes in a fiercely fashionable kitty purse for your child.”

I don’t know what I just read.

4. Scruff-a-Luvs Friends

“Find us Scruffy, Make us Fluffy. Rescue your poor little Scruff-a-Luv and transform them from scruffy to fluffy. Simply wash, dry, groom and love your Furry Friend Forever!”

Whaaaat? So, you get a new toy that is purposely made to look used, then you wash it so it looks new? MY GOD STEVE WHAT IS THIS.

“There are so many different Scruff-a-Luvs to collect from babies, to families, from cats and dogs to penguins and polar bears – so why not collect them all and start adopting today?”

Oh, of course, you need to collect them all. These marketers are monsters! But what a sell to kids – that they’re adopting a pet and helping them feel loved. My kid would eat that shit up.

5. Pictionary Air

Please let this be Pictionary but you play it in the air, like on hoverboards.

“Introducing Pictionary Air™, a hysterical way to play the classic family drawing game! Draw in the air and see it on screen in this exciting take on the quick-draw classic. Download the Pictionary Air™ app to your smartphone or tablet to get started. Point the in-app camera at the illustrator and they’ll appear, along with their sketch, on the screen of your smart device. Cast to your TV for even bigger laughs!”

So, not exactly – but close!

6. Boppi the booty shakin’ Llama

Ok well, we all know this one. To be fair, I can see the appeal.

7. Harry Potter invisibility cloak

I want this for myself? Is that weird?

Read more: The Spinoff Reviews New Zealand #95: An actual Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak!

8. LEGO City Diving Yacht

Oh this is so cool! There’s a LEGO swordfish! A removable roof? So good. This is probably the closest I’ll ever get to a luxury yacht.

9. Soggy Doggy

“The showering, shaking, wet doggy game! Race around the board, wash Soggy Doggy, if he shakes… it’s back to start!”

This is fine. It’s likely better than that game where you put whipped cream on the thing and then your kid gets it in the face and they cry, even though THAT IS THE POINT OF THE GAME.

10. Toy Story Buzz Lightyear Pop! 

I took my son to see Toy Story and he said he didn’t like it because he doesn’t like “old movies”. Brutal.

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I didn’t know what a Pop was. Apparently it’s a little figurine. The purpose, like all of this tat, is to collect it. The real question is: why would you buy Buzz when you can buy Forky?

I can hear Steve Steverson laughing his fucking ass off at us from some boardroom. God rest ye weary mothers as we head into the Christmas period.

Related by Emily Writes:

A leaked transcript from the Farmers Mother’s Day catalogue planning meeting


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