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Top six ways to get out of the door on time when you have children

Leaving the house when you have kids can be a nightmare of epic proportions. Anna Gowan has your back. Here’s her top six tips to get you to church (or the pub) on time.

Forget waking up at the crack of dawn or making lunches the night before, these largely untested and questionable ideas will (allegedly) take all the stress out of leaving the house with children in the morning!

1. Remove all your clocks

What is time, anyway?  t’s just a perception that was probably invented by drug companies keen on peddling anti-anxiety medication to parents.

By not looking at the clock, you are effectively controlling the time. Instead, use the sun. If you make it out of the house by the time the sun sets, you’re winning.

2. Accept that your kid just wants to be dressed like Blossom

Some days (or all days), your kid will not accept wearing just a top, pants, socks, shoes and a jacket. That outfit has no flair! It needs a tutu! A Spiderman mask! A lifejacket! Yesterday’s undies on the head!

Grin and bear it. Then take a photo for their 21st birthday photo board for some sweet, albeit delayed, vengeance.

3. Duct tape = mother’s little helper

Forget rain, snot, mud – the worst part about winter by far is SHOES. Specifically the repetitive, patience-testing chore of putting shoes that have been kicked off … again… and again… And again and again and again.

Now there’s a way to save you approximately five hours in the morning – the night before you go to bed, sneak into your child’s room and duct tape their shoes to their feet while they’re asleep.

(This technique was favoured by a particularly sadistic nanny my neighbours’ employed in the 1980s. It works. For a time.)

4. Shock them into forgetting they were throwing a tantrum

This technique really works. And not in an infomercial ‘this piece of plastic covered with a pool noodle will give you abs like The Rock’s’ sort of way. It does however require an ability to multitask.

First of all, maintain eye contact. Pause. Then commence a very loud performance of your favourite 1990s rap.  It is very important that you DO NOT BLINK or BREAK EYE CONTACT.

You have 25 seconds to get them into their clothes, out of the house and into the car while performing your rap before the tantrum resumes.

Inspiration:

  • Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice
  • The Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme song
  • Baby Got Back – Sir Mix-A-Lot
  • U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
  • Insane in the Brain – Cypress Hill

5. Dress up in a costume that will alarm your children into leaving the house without scarring them for life

It is not advisable to dress up as Freddy Kruger. Celery or broccoli on the other hand is probably okay. Choose a vegetable they are already not fussed on so as not to reduce the already limited pool of vegetables they will tolerate.

For an alternative, kinder approach, consider dressing up as a character they love. You can guarantee they will be more pliable and willing when chaperoned out of the house by Superman or Emma Wiggle. Your costume may make things awkward at your destination, but you will be on time and will not care.

6. Move out of your house and into a campervan

That way you can park outside school/daycare/kindy every night. Problem solved.

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