What the hell are you meant to give the person who has everything? Don’t worry, Sam Brooks has you covered with the gift guide for that person in your life.
It’s that time of year again – that time of the year when you have to think about your sociopathic friend. We’ve all got one. The one who doesn’t even know how to hit snooze on their phone. The one who has enough cords. The one who has a set bedtime every night and actually sticks to it because they’re absolutely not going to risk being late to work for the first time ever.
Yes, it’s the person who has everything. And because you made some mistakes in the past friend-wise, now you have to get them a Christmas gift, even though they subscribe to every magazine they might want to read, have had Spotify Premium since it first launched, and pay for every streaming service just in case they miss anything. What the hell do you get this person?
Never fear, because I’ve got you sorted (with some help from Trade Me). While my life is pretty messy otherwise, I’m the kind of person who has everything. If I see something that I want, I buy it. Think of me as some kind of infiltrator into this mindset, because while I might have everything, I’m barely a functional person.
This is great if you have this friend but don’t want to spend your hard-earned/inherited money on them, or if they have requirements for receiving gifts like ‘price limits’ or ‘care’. Suggested coupons include:
- A coupon for one meaningful conversation.
- A coupon for one instant victory in an argument.
- A coupon for one compliment.
- A coupon for one ‘Good on you, buddy.’
- A coupon for one recommendation.
Bonus: If you give them enough, they might get overwhelmed, forget about them and then not have to do anything! Success.
Make them a drink
By which I mean don’t just make them a gin and tonic. I mean make them their own recipe. My best friend did this for my birthday, and while it was a thinly veiled way of improving my chosen cocktail Samgria, it was also really thoughtful and made me feel nice.
Sometimes it’s the thought that counts. And sometimes it’s the alcohol content. If you want to be fancy, you can even give it to them in a carafe! Nothing makes a drink taste better than decent glassware.
(For curiosity’s sake, the original recipe for Samgria goes:
One part red wine.
One part vodka/gin – choose your poison, and I mean that quite literally.
One part orange juice, preferably low sugar.
One part soda.
Absolutely do not use a measuring cup. Go with your vibe. Stir tipsily. Drink!)
A nice dinner out
Because we all wish we could eat out a bit more!
A shit dinner out
Because nothing brings people together like hating the same thing. A lot of people can misinterpret that as friendship, in fact. Maybe that’s how you got to be friends with the person who has everything in the first place!
So if you want to continue that trend, then take them to that bowling alley dive bar that, for some reason, does dumplings! Or maybe get that meat lover’s pizza that only has one kind of meat from that sports bar that always, somehow, is showing Formula One racing. Or even go to a cafe in the middle of a garden centre where the cheese scones have the texture of a well-used lump of Play-Dough. It’s a bonding experience that you can’t replicate.
Because nobody has, in the history of the world, looked at their sock drawer and thought: “I have exactly the right amount of socks.”
If you want to be wacky, get them patterned socks so they’ll never forget you when they look in their otherwise immaculately arranged drawer of black socks. The best friends are the ones we never forget, and if it takes socks to get us there, power to them.
A new toothbrush
Fact: Nobody replaces their toothbrush enough. Even the person who has everything.
Opinion: the only truly clean toothbrush is a newly opened one. Treat your friend to a truly clean toothbrush. Or toothbrush heads if they have an electric toothbrush, which they probably do.
A framed picture of both of you
Make your friend think of you every time they turn on their TV to watch a little Netflix! The more expensive the frame the better – then they’ll feel worse about throwing it out when they get creeped out that the photo you picked was a group one with everybody else crossed out angrily in red.
A huge amount of lollies or something else unhealthy
It was my dear friend’s birthday the other day and I decided to get him a thirty pack of Monster Energy and one kilogram worth of lollies because it reminded me of him. He did not appreciate it personally, but the people at his work loved it.
Anyway, if the person you give this gift to doesn’t want it, I guarantee they can pass it on and get friendship/social credit for it. And what’s more in the spirit of Christmas than unmeasurable goodwill in exchange for receiving something you didn’t really need anyway?
Because not even the person who has everything has a bag when they need it. You always need something to put everything you have in anyway!
Because everybody hates those dumb YouTube ads, and nobody has a YouTube subscription.
The gift of your presence
Because sometimes what the person who has everything needs is… you.
Note: This only works if you’re a good time. If you’re not, please refer to any of the other items on this list. You know who you are, there’s no shame in not being a good time. There’s just shame in not knowing it.
This content was created in paid partnership with Trade Me. Learn more about our partnerships here.
Subscribe to The Bulletin to get all the day’s key news stories in five minutes – delivered every weekday at 7.30am.