Reports of the US president haranguing and hanging up on Australian PM Malcolm Turnbull must have sent convulsions of excitement and/or tooth-pulling terror around the NZ PM’s office. Here’s how the English-Trump chat might go.

Executive assistant to the President: Mr President, you are now with Prime Minister English.

President Donald J Trump: You said it was the guy from New Zealand.

Executive assistant: This is Bill English, prime minister of New Zealand, sir.

Trump: OK, OK. Listen, Bill, believe me, this is going to be the best call, the best call, on the telephone, one of the best calls.

Prime Minister Bill English: Hello, Mr President. On behalf of the people of New Zealand, congratulations on your inauguration as president of the United States.

Trump: So, OK, yes. Yes. You watched it, it was terrific, nothing like it, you watched it. How many people in New Zealand, how many people?

English: Ah. At the 2013 census, the population was recorded as four million, two hundred and forty thousand, and forty-eight. However, Department of Statistics figures –

Trump: Great. Wonderful. Sean! Forty eight million people, in New Zealand, they watched the inauguration. Write that down. Write it down, Sean, write it. Write it. Forty. Eight. Million. This is the best call. New Zealand is the greatest country. Tremendous respect for New Zealand, tremendous respect. The greatest. You are doing amazing work in New Zealand.

English: Ah, thank you Mr President.

Trump: I went to Auckland one time, I have it written here, they write it down here, on the desk, I have it written down, it’s the biggest desk, the biggest desk, believe me. I went to Auckland one time, and I liked it a lot. Terrific people, really terrific, you seem like a terrific guy. I like New Zealand but not so much Australia, not so much Australia, by the way. I’m saying Australia, Australia, Australia is not New Zealand, Australia is Fake New Zealand, am I right, that’s what I’m saying. Fake New Zealand. And by the way I have to tell you that Australian president, what is he, Malcolm Trumble, actually, he is something else, he is, I have to tell you this, and by the way I call him Crocodile Dumb-dee, I call him that because he wants to put bad dudes, so many bad dudes, Obama did the deal, it is dumb, so dumb, listen to this because I’m saying it’s dumb, this is the biggest desk you’ll ever see, like a palace, practically like a planet.

English: Ah.

Trump: You just had an election, right, how’d it go, go OK?

English: We have just announced an election, to be held in September, Mr President.

Trump: OK, OK, I get it, that’s OK. Listen, I like you, you seem nice, I’ll send you some of my books, Sean, send the New Zealand guy some books, some whatever, you know, he needs to win an election, he wants help, I like to help, by the way, no one loves helping more than Donald Trump. I tell you one thing right now, right now, New Zealand First. You need to say: New Zealand First.

English: Interesting.

Trump: I like chicken. You like chicken? Sean!

English: Mr President –

Trump: You meet Theresa May?

English: Yes, Mr President, I had the pleasure –

Trump: I met her, nice lady. I’ve met a lot of people, so many people, the nicest people, not so much the Mexicans, the bad hombres. You have any bad hombres? Not so good, not so nice. Believe me, not good. China, not so much. China. China. No one loves China more than Donald Trump. Meryl Streep, so over-rated, the worst, dishonest. Sad, actually. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a total disaster, a total disaster. You get Arnold Schwarzenegger in Greenland?

English: I –

Trump: Somebody said I took the Martin Luther King statue out of my office, and it turned out that was fake news. Fake news. And by the way, failing CNN. Failing NBC. China. Listen, nuclear ships, what is this, nuclear ships, it says here we’re sending some nuclear ships, nuclear-powered ships, to New Zealand. That’s what we’re going to do.

English: Well. If you’ll allow me to –

Unidentified voice: дерьмо, пожалуйста, поторопитесь!

Trump: So many ships, big ships, we have the biggest ships, you have water everywhere, all around your country, it’s really wonderful, I think it’s really wonderful, water, all around, the ships go in the water, they go, whatever it is they do, they go float, float, like a, what, like a duck in a bath, believe me, like a duck in a bath, we have so many baths here, so many baths.

English: Mr President –

Trump: Chicken.

English: If I could be clear –

Trump: One more thing, OK, because this is the best call, but I have other calls, I have spoken to many leaders, I have spoken to Mr Putin, I have spoken to Miss May, she seems a very nice lady, she isn’t the Queen, I like the Queen, she is just terrific. I have spoken to so many leaders, some of the best calls, but I have to say this, to you, and your name is Bill, that’s your name, you know, you get it, right, and you have a terrific country, so many mountains, and I love the mountains, I have many, and the people are terrific, I love people, I have many people, and Peter Thiel, you know Peter, smart guy, good with computers, internet, all of it, computers, internet, very smart guy, one of the smartest, he says I should get a citizenship there, he says I can have an island, he says South Island is the best island, I need that island, so I need South Island, islands are the greatest, give it to me.

English: Ah.

Trump: Believe me, this has been the best call, the greatest, terrific. You are a great man, a great man, a nice man. Sean! I need some fried chicken. Chicken. Sean!

Click.

Executive Assistant: That went well, actually. Best call yet.