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Hire me, Taxpayers’ Union: an open application for a dream tax-busting gig

When Morgan Godfery saw the advertisement for a communications and engagement assistant vacancy at the Taxpayers’ Union he immediately started scrawling an application in his own union-clotted blood. Here we exclusively publish Godfery’s emotional plea.

To whom it may concern,

As an aspiring middle-aged white man, I’m the perfect candidate for the job.

As communications and engagement assistant, I’ll “fight the good fight”. Socialist propaganda is everywhere. Disney is re-making Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, the popular children’s film, and in my draft messaging plan (attached) the Taxpayers’ Union must craft a counter-message.

I propose targeting the seven dwarfs. We’ll acknowledge their hard work, mining precious minerals day in and day out, but we’ll put the question to children: what are the dwarfs doing with their tremendous wealth? Well, they’re not sending it to a Caribbean tax haven.

That’s their first mistake. And their second mistake? They aren’t building a sawmill (a tax write off) to log the enchanted forest. There’s another business opportunity children are taught to overlook. As communications and engagement system I’ll open people’s eyes to tax burdens and how to beat them.

As well as a messaging plan you’ll also find my résumé attached. My parents sent me to Kings College – and not on a rugby scholarship. Mother and father worked hard to secure the capital gains it took to pay my fees. There were no hand-outs at Kings, unlike the state schools down the road where students are sucking at the public breast.

It’s a free lunch for them.

That’s why, after passing NCEA Level 3 with university entrance, I decided against university. The problem with New Zealand universities is taxpayer funding. Half of the students are on “Māori” scholarships, even though there isn’t a brown face in sight. I suspect most of them are white socialists who found a “Māori” princess somewhere in the family.

They’re rip-offs. That’s why I was so pleased to take up a position at Uncle Preston’s high country station in South Canterbury. I enjoyed my time supervising the Filipino workers. The worst thing that ever happened at Kings was the end of the fagging system, but this job must’ve been what it felt like as a fag master.

In fact, the Filipino farmhands are the people we should emulate. They pay no tax. Life is easy for them. The tax burden falls on battlers like Uncle Preston. The accountants who do his tax accounts are making a killing. They may as well suck out and sell his spinal fluid too – after tax and professional fees he has nothing left anyway.

This country is a mess: punishing tax rates are holding down keen young DJs; hardworking real estate agents are struggling to make ends meet; and if the Greens ever come to power their tax plans will ruin the lives of wives and mothers.

As communications and engagement assistant, these are the stories I’ll tell.

Yours,

Morgan Godfery

PS/NB: Wellington is awful. I’m not moving. The place is fat on the cash of others.


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