Ukraine has elected as its president a comedian with no political experience and not many policies. So what would our comedians do if elected to be the President of New Zealand? Here are their manifestos.
Two words: Flag referendum. The last one was a shambles and we need another one! I genuinely think New Zealand needs a comedian president because that would mean we’re now a republic with the Laser Kiwi as our flag and ‘Poi E’ as the national anthem!
The terrifying thing is that I always thought I genuinely had something to offer politics. Not policy or expertise, but from a marketing and communications perspective. A good policy announcement kind of works like a joke where it needs to be succinct, broadly understood, and pack some sort of punch or impact. This arrogant fantasy is now a grim reality as our most successful political leaders have become soundbite PR machines.
They say it’s the quiet ones you need to watch. They say my quietness comes off as a little anxious, but that’s mostly just my anxiety. Sure, you could have a president with loud and outspoken opinions, but wouldn’t you rather have a president you can take abortion off of the crimes act if you just promise I don’t have to be the one to make the phone call? Wouldn’t you prefer a president who’s happy not to legalise nuclear weapons as long as it means I don’t have to shake a strangers hand? In times of conflict, you wouldn’t need to debate with me, you’d just need to promise as little human interaction as possible and a paid subscription to the Headspace app.
- Drew Neemia must unblock me on all social platforms.
- Hot butter chicken must be BANNED. Too hot.
- No one is allowed to drive so that I feel better about not being able to drive.
- Someone, please find me a man for fuck’s sake.
- Shortland Street plays 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
- Can people please stop saying “adulting” and “I don’t know how to human”. Cheers.
- Also, I will tax people on their capital gains.
Pockets for everyone!
Me? President? I’ll do it. I’d outlaw hashtags at weddings, cafés that bring your toast with stiff butter straight out of the fridge, and I’d shut down a company that keeps advertising me a men’s make-up brand called ‘Warpaint’ (babe, if I need concealer it’s not because I’m going to war).
I’d also – and I know this would maybe be out of my jurisdiction – enforce the Hellenistic religion (that’s believing in the Greek Gods even though it’s 2019) as the official national religion. See my show to see why ;-)
As President of New Zealand, my manifesto would be simple: eat the rich. Although, do you think I’m allowed to say that? People get that it’s just an expression, eh? Sorry, maybe I should find a softer way of saying the same thing that ends up having no meaning at all. Perhaps I should say “EAT THE RICH!” with passion and integrity and then slowly and quietly, and with a lot of charm, just feed the rich until the world is on fire instead? That’s all I’m good for I think. Occasionally nibble on the rich!
Boomers, you had your chance. We tried to wrestle the tax from your ill-gotten property gains the good old fashioned way and you spat the dummy. So guess what? We’re taking away your favourite things. Coronation Street: cancelled! SUVs: cancelled! Xtra email addresses: cancelled!
This new anti-Boomer economy will not be fair or just – it’s retribution. I hope you managed to finish Eat Pray Love because it is now BANNED in Aotearoa. Cruise ships are a disgusting blight on the environment, and our ports and the leisure industry will be illegal in this country.
I promise to end Boomer culture. Together we can form a country of diversity, accountability and being able to get a dog when you’re 35 to substitute a kid, then spending so much on treats for the dog/kid that you’ll never be able to have a real kid ever.
Subscribe to The Bulletin to get all the day’s key news stories in five minutes – delivered every weekday at 7.30am.