We will also test Housing NZ properties for traces of students, pets and bad vibes, reveals our proud CEO (Boiler Suits Division) Alex Braae
The report into the pointlessness of testing houses for meth contamination has come at a very bad time for The Spinoff. All those stories about how if one hit was taken on a glass barbecue in a house it would be toxic for years suggested one thing to us: profit.
Inspired by the shining example of Meth Solutions boss Miles Stratford, The Spinoff was on the verge of launching a brand new meth testing service. It promised to empty the pockets of landlords and homeowners, and empty state houses of their tenants. Like all media companies, we’re constantly searching for lucrative new revenue streams, and this was going to be the cash cow that kept the lights on.
Fortunately, here at The Spinoff we’re plucky entrepreneurs. And we say this: just because meth contamination testing has been exposed as a costly waste of money, that doesn’t mean your house is safe. For a small* fee, we can come to your house and make sure it isn’t being overrun by these other scourges.
The usual politically correct crowd will call us cynical, or scammers. But be warned, if you don’t contract our services to test for these things, your property might literally kill you.
This service is aimed directly at landlords. Are you concerned that your tenants might have a dangerous dog or cheeky cat that isn’t stipulated in the tenancy agreement? Dogs are widely regarded as killers – don’t be fooled by their friendly wagging tails. And cats are more than capable of jumping up on the bench and getting at that steak that you were marinating, even though you put glad wrap on it, and you only turned your back for a second, and how did the cat even run away with a bit of steak that’s bigger than his head? This can cause people living in the house death by starvation.
Don’t go to the tenancy tribunal or waste time with bureaucratic legal requirements like giving your tenants notice that you’re coming around. Contract us, and we’ll pump poisonous gas into the house through the walls, making it uninhabitable for pets.
Another service aimed at landlords, and one we’re expecting to be among our more popular. Are there young people living at your property that might be using as a base for their plot to one day have qualifications? Do you see suspicious piles of books on the table when you do inspections? Is there a Jim Morrison poster on the wall? Your property might be infected with students.
Students are disgusting, filthy creatures, that will lower not only your own property values, but the property values of every single house on the street. Show solidarity with your fellow landlords and homeowners and root out students whenever you see them.
Passive aggression and bad vibes
A must-purchase service for anyone looking at new flats to move into. Before you make a mistake that could ruin your life, hire our team of private investigators to find answers to the big questions. Will your potential new flatmates leave notes on the fridge asking who left dishes in the sink? Will they nudge your feet with the vacuum when you’re just trying to watch Shortland Street? Will they have friends over for dinner, and everyone immediately stops talking as soon as you walk into the kitchen? You know they were talking about you. You know they were.
Prevent rage-fuelled murders from happening before it’s too late. Protect yourself, and the lives of those around you, and get to know every detail of your prospective flatmates’ private lives and personalities before signing on the dotted line.
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This service is aimed at anyone who lives in, owns, or has ever set foot inside a house. For an extra fee, we will offer this service in partnership with our good friend Kelvin Cruickshank from Sensing Murder. He doesn’t know that yet but he probably senses it.
Your house may be infected with ghosts, and even at a trace level, that can be extremely spooky. If you, or anyone living in your house, has ever known anyone who has died, their vengeful spirit may be haunting your attic. For legal reasons, we’re required to mention that if you purchase this service, Kelvin Cruickshank might start living in your attic – removing him is also a service we provide.
Half of all homes have inadequate heating, and more than half of all rentals have mould growing on the walls. In fact, around 30,000 children need medical attention every year for conditions relating to cold, damp housing, and more kids are killed by those conditions than in car crashes. And if we can get a moral panic going about nonexistent meth contamination, surely getting a moral panic going about poor children dying will be easy.
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The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.