After all the drama in week two of The Bachelor NZ, Alex Casey delivers her second power rankings in our weekly series. If you missed week one, head here.
What a show. What great television. What a time to be alive. This week The Bachelor became everything it needed to be. The tears started welling up, the comments fizzed over like a lovely drop of Lindauer©, and Art has started to realise that he is up shit creek with nothing but the non-existent anti-shirt on his back. And when I say shit creek, I mean the moss-ridden Alligator enclosure at Auckland Zoo.
Before we get started, can I congratulate the producers on the decision to get real funky with their rose distribution. Amanda’s was wedged about 3000 miles away under a log during boggy low tide, Matilda’s was squashed under a (very poorly stocked) picnic basket, and in the first ceremony they were thrown out in tandem like some psychotic Maggie Barry lolly scramble. Way to have fun with it guys! I look forward to next week when is a rose is hidden under Mike Puru’s satin pillow.
Anyway, let’s get into it.
1. (LW: 3) Poppy
Poppy, you have jetted straight to the top on a cloud of farts, lemurs and emotional manipulation. After making it to the slime-shovelling group date, she rose above the likes of Chrystal in her commitment to the quite disgusting cause, “it’s not romantic but who cares, life isn’t romantic.” Winning the oozy contest, she got to feed the lemurs, aka her brothers and sisters.
But the family reunion was not to last long, Poppy was swirling into a “whirlpool of emotions.” Which I actually prefer to whilrlwind, it works better with Poppy’s fresh seafood-eating brand. Through the whirlpool came the hugest powerplay we’ve seen so far, with Poppy lingering two centimetres away from Art and telling him she doesn’t feel like she can handle the competition. Holding back blatant alligator tears, she said she wasn’t sure if she could accept his rose, which he had presumably just spent ten minutes fishing out of a hippo’s mouth as per the producer’s request.
Baller. She essentially made Art get down on his hands and knees and beg her to stay. Look at that photo, that might as well be a goddamn proposal scene. Plus her whole lemur family is nearby to celebrate. Well played Poppy, well played.
2. (LW: 1) Matilda
Matilda drove herself to the illustrious Harbour Bridge date, where she finally got some time to be goofy (beautiful) alone with Arthur. They have the same level of respect for the Skytower, which as we know is key to any lasting romantic relationship. She showed that she can be an edgy (beautiful) risk taker (beautiful), committing to the bungy and screaming “FUUUUCK” which was down-to-earth (beautiful).
Art and “Maddy” (a nickname goes far in rankings stakes) had a huge chat at the windy bunch-of-grapes-and-one-croissant picnic about marriage, and taking their children to a Lake House. I’m assuming, if they’re not not talking about the devastating Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock film here, that this is serious future-building chat. Tilds got a smooshed rose, but a rose nonetheless. A huge frontrunner for sure.
3. (LW: 2) Dani
Hats off to Dani for interrupting Chrystal just as she slowly unpeeled her last layer of snake skin before slipping into full reptile-mode. Dani wiped Chrystal’s lipstick off Art’s face faster than graffiti off a council wall, and I love her for it. Powerful, long lasting lipstick by the way, good one Revlon©.
Dani is “smitten” with Art, and was very stressed out in the rose ceremony when he handed the roses out like Hare Krishna flyers to one and all. There’s no need to worry Dani, you are at the top of the pile for sure. You are the strawberry fruit burst in that rose lolly scramble. And there’s some egg and cream Macintoshes in there for sure, I can tell you.
4. (LW: 6) Chrystal
The villain has landed, making her Revlon Dark Mark© on Art. She knows exactly what she is doing when she said “this is a really exciting conversation, but Arthur do you want to take me away?” Putting the onus on Art the entire time is a smart move, he’s too nice to know what is going on and is always going to do what she says. If she wants to pat his just-above butt – in the words of TI – she can do whatever she likes.
And don’t even get me started on last night’s run in with Lisa. “You’re only still here because you’re the wildcard,” she asserted (partially right, but there’s no time to get into that) and thus beginning the great conflict of modern times. She continued to stick the knife right through the heart of More FM by saying “you need all the help you can get”. Crazy purple eyeliner or not, Chrystal has got to go deep, for drama alone.
5. (LW: 15) Carissa
This week’s most improved award goes to Carissa. After that sick anecdote about a date picking her up soaked in blood with a dead pig in the back seat, I now see why she has been silent for long. That is literally something out of Silence of the Lambs. I’m amazed and impressed that even she had the energy to put these weird pistachio shell nails on after all that emotional trauma.
6. (LW: 5) Kristie
Competitive old Kristie proved herself in the car racing competition, winning over the heart of the crotchety old rally driver at the very least. She wished the others gerrd lerrrk (good luck), but there was no doubt that she was going to take it out. She drove that rally car right into Art’s heart, and got the luxury gazebo one-on-one featuring Lindauer© and chronically untouched gouda.
But, as one person is inevitably going to say each week, she’s got “walls up”. And “things up her sleeves.” It’s a Bachelor staple to get this out in the open, I just hope those boiler suit sleeves aren’t too long, and those Karaka mansion walls too high.
7. (LW: 11) Amanda
I underestimated the power of Amanda. Nabbing that single golf date, Green took her on the green to get swinging. And swinging. And swinging. Getting the full Art hug due to her quite literal golfing handicap, Amanda is a date genius. I applaud her for trying to get a pash by swiveling her head around like The Exorcist, even if it didn’t work out.
She’s always so excited, I’m happy to have her around a while longer:
8. (LW: 7) Alysha
Alysha didn’t achieve a lot this week apart from getting an alligator all horned up at the Zoo:
She cracked under the pressure of the driving challenge, which I’m not surprised seeing as having Kristie – who is essentially a much more intense version of her – was about to run over everyone and hoon into the sunset with Rally Driver Jim. She’s taking her time to come out of her shell, but I believe we’ll be seeing you around for a while yet.
9. (LW: 14) Hayley
Alright Hayley Mathers, didn’t realise you were following your father’s footsteps:
Hayley’s terrible rap was a smart move for someone whose prior defining feature was “has a smiley face neck tattoo”. Now she can get these lyrics tattooed down her spine:
“met this guy late last week,
jumped outta the car, my knees felt weak.
Thought you’re cute enough to be more than a friend,
but was left cleaning out the pond in the end.
[extended presumably terrible verse muted under voiceover]
Give me a rose, for I need to stay composed,
I just want to know right now.”
10. (LW: 8) Natalie
Natalie got to go on the sludge date, and did a good job with the sludge. Seems like a bad sign when the only thing the man of your dreams says to you all week is “great sludge pushing!” Pray for Natalie.
11. (LW: 9) Brigette
I don’t know what’s going on with Brigette, she seemed to have so much potential to be a “character” but we’ve barely seen a peep out of her aside from when she said “penis” that one time. As good and funny as that was, I fear that her start in this competition has been about as successful as her driving:
12. (LW: 12) Shivani
Old Shivvy is still knockin’ around, having a cheeky butt-in with Art during the first round of Chrystal gate 2015. I must say, I thought her reluctance to kiss in public would be a hindrance in the competition, but at this point I truly think that the Fantasy Suite shenanigans will culminate in a firm handshake and a pat on the head.
13. (LW: 13) Danielle B
I’m sorry Danielle B. She did her best to whisk Arthur away at the cocktail party, but unlike being predatory like Chrystal, or kooky like Hayley, she just sounded like she wanted to sell him timeshares in Majorca.
It’s also a really bad move to immediately address the enormous, accordion-playing elephant that is your huge age difference. Together they sat chuckling about how the men she has dated are old enough to be Art’s father. Basically the only thing they have in common is sharing big laughs at how old she is, unfortunately. Of course Art had to keep her in after that (because he didn’t want his Dad to tell him off) but I think she’ll be out next week for sure.