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Power RankingsAugust 31, 2015

Recap: Shortland Street Power Rankings – Three Shirtless Men, a Secret Wedding and a Funeral

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Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Pixie gets a watery send-off, Drew gets passionate and everyone else gets sweaty.   

1) Harry steps up to speak out

Poor ol’ Harry is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just like that time he fell in the river, and we all know how that ended.

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Harry wore his big boy pants to brave the wrath of the Hannah family, insisting that Pixie wanted to be cremated and have her ashes scattered at Kereru Falls.

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Good work, Harry. Curtis may seem terrifying on the outside, but beneath those bulging eyes and violent temper he’s a total pussycat. Right?

2) Pixie is farewelled next to a metaphorical waterfall of sorrow

Now this is a send-off.

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Once everyone in Ferndale stopped blubbering like hysterical babies, Pixie’s ashes were scattered in her favourite camping spot.

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In an argument fuelled by grief, loss and the fact they’re camping in August, Jack learns it was Margaret – not Curtis – who committed fraud in Australia. He promises not to tell Mo, for Pixie’s sake.

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3) Drew’s Love Boat steers through an ocean of oestrogen

Drew McAskill is like a long, sleek speedboat. He powers his way through Shortland Street’s blue waters, leaving behind nothing but a troubled wake of breathless, giddy women.

Drew of the Pacific casts off by flirting with patient Ruth, aka The Wealthy Socialite From Matamata. Only the fabulous Drew can persuade Ruth to risk social infamy by leaving the hospital with two black eyes.

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Drew then sails into the IV, where he mesmerizes Dayna with a business proposal to send his patients to the hotel for their boutique post-operative care.

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Finally, Drew tries to enter Harper’s harbour. “Tell me you don’t have the hots for me!” he demands, speaking the language that every 13 year-old boy understands.

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Harper, abandon ship immediately. No good can ever come of entering the Shortland Street lift. Take the stairs, I beseech you!

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What is it about this medical enigma that leaves competent, intelligent women weak at the knees? Do Drew’s pores ooze a bewitching aroma – possibly a mix of testosterone and hospital-grade hand sanitizer – which prevents oxygen reaching the female brain?

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4) Proof that Victoria can smile and that Harper is a superhero in a blue cape

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I grin like that too whenever I’m about to drink wine.

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5) The many faces of Bride Whisperer Leanne

Available for hire: one receptionist with superlative wedding planning skills and an innate ability to hold a grudge.

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Leanne’s dreams of organizing Nicole and Harper’s weddings are left lying in a heap, discarded quicker than an apricot bridesmaid dress after the wedding reception. Harper prefers Victoria’s sophisticated experience while Nicole and Vinnie turn down Leanne’s grand plans for a small and personal (ergo TOTALLY BORING) do.

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I’m with you, Leanne. It’s hard to fly with eagles when you’re surrounded by turkeys.

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Still, chin up. It’s not every day you get so close to Boyd’s vitals.

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6) Nicole and Vinnie sort some secret shenanigans

Nicole and Vinnie plan a surprise wedding to coincide with Vinnie’s birthday. It’s top secret. No-one must know. I cannot stress how important it is that nobody finds out before the wedding, which is why they tell their brat of a kid ALL ABOUT IT.

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Prepare yourself, Blondie. This wedding will be public notice quicker than you can say ‘big blabbery blabbermouth blabhead’.

7) Clothes are so last season

A random heatwave hit Ferndale this week and caused several residents to gad about in various states of undress. Lucy goes the extra mile to help Curtis with the grieving process. He’s officially at Stage Three: Drunken Hornbag.

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If Drew is Harper’s speedboat, then Boyd is her life jacket: safe, sensible, and slightly constricting. Enough with the flannelette loving, you two crazy kids.

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Meanwhile at the IV, Jimmy needs the ladies to form an orderly queue.

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I guess even wealthy socialites from Matamata have needs.

8) Victoria self-medicates with an overdose of batshit crazy

I can’t keep up with Victoria. One minute she’s sweetness and light as she discusses bridesmaid duties with new BFF Harper, the next she threatens to cry rape if a patient doesn’t drop his complaint about her.

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Alarm bells are ringing louder than an acute attack of tinnitus. A lonely, socially awkward over-achiever with extensive knowledge of bridal fabrics is blackmaillinh a patient to protect her career and reputation. Run for the nearest exit, people. Victoria’s on the loose!

What wonders will this week of Shortland Street bring? Will Drew and Harper sail off into the sunset? Will Curtis continue his downward spiral of sex and drugs and love of Lucy’s fine white bed linen? Will Leanne find inner peace? But most importantly: what does Pixie actually want us to do?

Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

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Mad Chapman, Editor
The Spinoff has covered the news that matters in 2021, most recently the delta outbreak. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

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