Recap: The Shortland Street Power Rankings – Wild Nudists, Haloumi Hunts and the Clashing Jackets

Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Harper wreaks havoc, Clementine vanishes and Curtis gets naked.

There was drama and action aplenty at our favourite hospital last week. Relationships teetered on the brink, lives were at risk, and anarchy arose in the car park. Come, let us join arms and form a peaceful sit-in as we relive the highs and lows of the past week of Shortland Street.

1) Pania goes peak crazy

Pania’s emotions are wobbling about like a bladder on a stick. One minute she’s sleeping at TK’s to avoid being alone, the next she’s moving out because of his overwhelming godlike physique. Okay, so it’s mostly because of the crippling guilt and terrifying nightmares about killing her husband, but that TK is certainly quite the catch.

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Wendy supports Pania by speaking in hushed tones with mournful eyes, and reassures Pania she’s not responsible for Caleb’s death. Wendy, Wendy, Wendy. Save your generous hospitality for your non-psychopathic pals, would you?

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2) The Name’s Drew: Dr Drew

When crazy motorbike riding Harper goes in search of the spiritual answers found only in rural New Zealand, she encounters a mysterious bald bikie with a blatant disregard for road safety. Why, it’s none other than the cad who two-timed Nina Proudman!

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Bald Bikie is an irresistible specimen of wispy bristles and leather trousers bulging with rebellion and anarchy. He splutters ‘holy moly’ when Harper beats him at pool (filthiest bikie language EVER) and I assume the game – with it’s holes, balls and long sticks – is a rural pub metaphor for what these two get up to once the credits roll.

Who knows when Harper will see this dangerous stranger again?

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The answer: in about three minutes. Look who just sauntered into Shortland Street reception, as shiny and slick as the Exxon-Valdez: it’s Bald Bikie, aka Dr Drew McAskill, a new consultant specialising in wobbly-armed handshakes.

I did not see that coming AT ALL.

3) Boyd stands sensibly at a relationship crossroads

Boyd is concerned his relationship with reckless, impulsive Harper is doomed. She does seem the extreme sort, with her sensible hair and appropriate clothing, but it’s her announcement that ‘meetings and budgets are boring’ that tips Boyd over the edge.

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For the love of God, Boyd, run walk away in a calm and orderly fashion before Harper completely destroys your soul by telling you she hates Excel and shelves her CDs in non-alphabetical order. This girl is BATSHIT CRAZY!

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So what’s Boyd to say when Harper returns from her overnight trip to Pashtown and suddenly pops The Question?

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4) Margaret saves the world one hospital at a time

It’s Nurse Margaret’s first and last day in Emergency and her extreme competency means she’s cured cancer and achieved world peace by lunchtime. Boyd angrily informs Margaret that while they might appreciate skill and initiative in Australia, there’ll be none of that in his ED.

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Be a love, Margie, and stitch that bloke’s leg up before the blood stains the sheets, would you?

5) Boyd double-parks on Revolution Road

There’s nothing like car park allocation to fire a rebellion from the working classes. Mike Hosking was given in Boyd’s car park and, in a fit of socialist rage, Boyd informs Bella he’ll no longer stand for the oppressive whims of such a dictatorial management.

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Blimey, wait until Boyd hears the café have stopped serving kale chips and quinoa salad. Then the revolution will really begin!

6) Clementine suffers from a national shortage of haloumi

Cyclone Clementine wends her way through Ferndale this week. Beware homeless hypochondriacs, gormless brothers and emotionally vulnerable colleagues, Clementine destroys all that lie in her self-obsessed path. “You’ve got no compassion for people less fortunate than yourself!” Leanne tells her compassionately.

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Lucy’s furious: Clem has the audacity to borrow not one but two of her jackets (OMG) and then she ruins her dinner party. A humiliated Clem fails to return after Lucy sends her out to buy replacement food, but I suspect that like me, Clem has no idea what the fuck haloumi is and is desperately scouring the Ferndale supermarkets in search of this imaginary ingredient.

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Days pass and Lucy, Curtis and Alex fossick through the wild bush of East Auckland looking for Clementine. They spy their annoying pal lying unconscious at the bottom of a gully. She’s alive, but will she recover?

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7) Curtis embraces naturism

Jimmy and Curtis battle it out for IV Alpha Male, with Curtis manipulating his knowledge about Annie and Jimmy to his advantage. “Your old man’s a dirty shagger!” he tells Dana. To protect Jimmy and Bella’s state of domestic bliss, Dana teaches Curtis a lesson with a trick so cunning you could strip it naked and leave it stranded in a public car-park.

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8) The Orange Coat will never die

Never mind Curtis, wait until Lucy notices that Dana has also has pinched her favourite orange coat!

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9) Jack Hannah’s Life Lesson of the Week

“Just because people are gay, doesn’t mean they eat quiche.”

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Whatever will this week at Shortland Street bring? Will Jack and Edwin’s new relationship blossom like a delicate springtime flower? Will Boyd ever find inner car-park peace? How can Clementine face a future with a spinal injury, and most importantly, will she ever find the haloumi?

Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

The Shortland Street recap world is nothing without Shorty Street Scandal‘s James Mustapic. Watch his excellent latest episode below:

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