Please enjoy this week’s episode of Shorty Street Scandal, wherein James Mustapic recaps the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week? Murray goes underpants crazy, Leanne pulls a fast one out of her own handbag and Chris Warner congratulates himself (once again) for being the underwhelming parent of the year:
Old scuzzbucket Murray gathered the family around the Christmas tree to relive the tales of road trips past. Mostly his ventures seemed to consist of many beers, and wearing the same pair of underwear for a week. This was a very dark side to Murray that we could have done without knowing.
This was a very strong week for Leanne, with her vicious rivalry with Kylie reaching fever pitch in their shared-front-desk-showdown. Leanne got so riled up that she was forced to use her favourite curse word at Kylie, calling her “M****” all day long (Missy). Kylie got irrationally offended at this, and moved Leanne’s handbag in a weak revenge move. Leanne seized the opportunity to pull a Gone Girl on Kylie, forcing her to believe that she was responsible for the handbag being stolen. The K.O. in their Front Desk Fight For Life came when Leanne revealed her handbag would be $590 to replace. Now that, is Missy behaviour.
Talking of gorgeous and stunning fashion accessories, there was a haute couture extra in the background waiting to seen for a cripplingly FEDORABLE condition. That’s right, a stylish fedora man has finally made it to Ferndale. Not to be outdone by this bracing gent and his fine headwear, our old favourite Santa made not one, but FIVE appearances. Deck the halls of Shortland Street, Santa is really procrastinating this year.
Everyone’s favourite lizard Christopher Warner was revelling in his new parenting skills again this week, despite having raised about 59038 lizard children in his eternal stretch on The Street. He shared a weird moment of warmth with Hazza, as they did a gentle high-five for guessing Trinity’s burp count correctly. This warranted a completely fitting rendition of James’ sure-to-be-Christmas-smash “Hold Your Hand in Mine Harry Warner”. The parenting prowess was cut short when dowdy old Rachel took over, trying to staple the poor babe and giving it a highlighter to suck on.
In joke news, aka the most important news, TK crossed the line once more, saying terrible things that nobody is ready to hear. Mere months after the death of his beloved wife Sarah Potts, TK is going gung-ho on terrible impressions of her naggy voice. Who can forget ol’ whingebag Sarah’s defining moments such as “TK, hon, drink this weird green health drink” or “move your tins from the bench hon”? I know I miss the nags. As a wise man once said, “a bossy woman reminds a man of a nagging mum. Not cool.” (B. Mitchell, 2014).
Boyd rounded off the raucous joke week:
“Dr, I feel like a pair of curtains”
“Pull yourself together”
That’s enough Boyd, I don’t want to be a pair of curtains here – but that joke deserves some major shade.