Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Steve makes waves from his hospital bed, Drew has a ponytail penchant and Murray makes a casserole.
This week’s power rankings are a sumptuous buffet filled with farewells and fights, revelations and rumours, sexism and Steve. Fill your plate, grab a cocktail and recline comfortably as we relive the brighter moments of the mid-winter paradise that is Shortland Street.
1) Steve Davis
This week’s star is Steve, who lost his leg in a motorbike accident. Steve’s misfortune is Boyd’s good luck, providing him the chance to be the first in Australasia to fix Steve’s leg with some fancy schmancy operation involving a lot of big words.
Steve’s name is on everyone’s lips this week. Chris is concerned when Boyd proceeds with the operation, despite Steve being unwell. “I’m telling Mum about Steve,” Chris says, blowing raspberries at Boyd as he scampers up to Rachel’s office.
“This isn’t just the two of you locking antlers, is it?” asks Rachel. Is that some cult medical team-building challenge? If so, my money’s on Warner, who’s rutted his way through Ferndale since 1994.
When Steve develops a pulmonary embolism, Chris multitasks and tells Boyd “I told you so,” while simultaneously saving Steve’s life. Praise be for Dr Warner!
2) Everyday sexism
From what patriarchal backwater did Rachel find Drew McAskill? Oh that’s right, Australia. Drew is shiny combination of John Key and Jason Donovan, lusting over Kylie’s ponytail and shouting “I want Kylie!” in his search for the perfect plastic surgery sidekick.
Drew is so determined to be surrounded by beautiful things that he heartlessly relegates Wendy from Plastic Surgery Assistant to Pot Plant Purchaser in preference for the young, blonde nurse.
Plus, who says things like “Make it so”?!.
Mind you, it’s no wonder Drew feels so comfortable at Shortland Street.
3) Clementine disappears again
Clementine undergoes an operation to increase her chances of walking, before moving to Burwood Hospital for rehabilitation. “Surgery is first step,” says Lucy, ironically.
“She can’t go to Christchurch alone,” worries Alex. “They wear moleskin jeans and aertex shirts and are overly passionate about rugby. She’ll never survive!” Goodbye, Clementine and Alex. Go well, as you disappear into the vortex of time and space that is the Shortland Street lift.
4) Victoria goes mentor mental
Victoria spent this week ricocheting her way through the hospital corridors in search of someone who appreciates her for the tortured genius that she is. Margaret is the first to feel the sharp end of Victoria’s tongue. “Less chat, more work! ” Victoria demands, as she stands around chatting.
When Victoria learns that Boyd has been stood down, she urges him not to take it lying down. I’m not sure how that’s physically possible, but she’s the doctor, not me. She’s furious when he accepts a new contract without giving her a second thought. “What about Steve?” she pleads. “You don’t care about us at all!”
Victoria is right. Won’t ANYONE think about Steve?
5) Jimmy gives birth to the truth
Murray’s off to Fiji and wants Wendy to join him, though he reckons he can take her to paradise any time she likes. Wink, nudge, vomit. Further proof that Wendy is a lucky woman: foreplay is a freshly cooked casserole.
Sadly, it’s paradise lost at the IV. Annie arrives in Ferndale to buy a new pair of jeans and becomes instant BFFs with Bella, bonding over fun birth stuff like dilation and placentas. No, Jimmy, that’s not creepy at all.
Stuck between a midwife and a hard place, Jimmy confesses his infidelity to a heartbroken Bella. Woe betide the man who wrongs a heavily pregnant woman. It’s all over red rover, as Bella catches the first flight to Fiji with Murray.
6) Pania threatens people and plants and therefore the world as we know it
Pania spent most of this week skulking around corners, calculating the next step in taking Kylie down. After all the rumour mongering, car park lurking, breaking and entering, label switching and drink spiking, Pania may need a quick trip to Fiji to recuperate.
Thankfully Kylie finds an ally in Drew, who keeps his skepticism about Pania being a murdering psychopath at bay. Mostly because he likes Kylie, but if he sacks her for being an unreliable drug-addled blonde, then who will water his pot plants?
Blimey, that was quite a week. Will Kylie’s blood tests reveal the truth about Pania’s poisoning? How will Victoria fare under Chris’ mentorship? And will the second operation be successful for Steve, the most memorable patient ever to be wheeled across the Shortland Street hospital-grade lino?
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.