This episode took us to Hawkes Bay, “fruit bowl of New Zealand” and home of sisters Kelly and Meghan. Much like The Newlyweds, it doesn’t speak volumes to their personalities that their team name is “Hawkes Bay Sisters”. The pair have played their cards close to their chests, mostly focussing on co-ordinating very fancy outfits and executing the most immaculate winged eyeliner I have seen on New Zealand free-to-air television.
On their way to the supermarket, the sisters talked about how they are really into whole foods and organic produce. I felt a searing pain in my head and was immediately transported back to Cambridge with the Modern Day Hippies. Maybe that’s why they’ve been so quiet. They don’t want people to find out that they are actually the hippies undercover, going in for more bites of that free-range, pesticide-free cherry. That would explain the elaborate eyeliner disguise as well. Anyway, so they went to the supermarket and got the supplies for their restaurant. And some toilet paper. You can’t hide your toilet paper from my prying eyes.
Back at the instant restaurant “Whole Bowl” (more like whole toilet bowl if their shopping is anything to go by), guests began to arrive. Another hippy alarm sounded when they lay their centrepiece on the table – it was a giant nest of acorns and twigs. Just like Neena and Belinda’s. The evidence was mounting. They got to work on the entrée, and we were privvy to a gruesome live crayfish slaughtering. Corporate Dad Aaron, sitting at the bottom of the leaderboard, was “crapping himself” with nerves at the table. Lucky they bought all that toilet paper.
The crayfish was served to mixed reactions. Aaron took a moment from crapping himself to be excited about the cray. We all know he loves diving and has been diving since he was 15 and wants to put crayfish with just about anything. Cuties Jessie and Ricki, on the other hand, were moved to tears by the plight of the cray. Polynesian Cook Heather was confused about what they were celebrating: “crayfish is Christmas” she said, swilling her eggnog that she had brought from home. Turns out crayfish was not Christmas, but was flat out undercooked and disrespected.
Cutie Jessie was forced to go from cray crucifixion to Bambi bereavement with the main course of venison. It was a little slow being served due to a hold up earlier involving someone called Julienne Pears. I think you’ll find her name is Julianne Moore, but okay.
Aside from our dear deer-lover Jessie, the main didn’t go down too badly. Our Fireman Ian struggled with his arch nemesis: cauliflower purée. He can rescue people from flaming buildings, but he can’t handle a lovely bit of cauliflower. The dessert of pumpkin pie was also late because Kelly wanted to remake the pastry. Corporate Dad Aaron started to eat his gold plate in hunger. Man that guy is rich and opulent.
The pumpkin pie was a disaster – slammed for being grainy, eggy and tasting like Weetbix and hot water. Which is actually quite patriotic of them, if anything. Heather was still confused as to when they transitioned from Christmas to Halloween. Kelly and Meghan were swiftly eliminated from the competition, and our favourites from Group One were brought into the kitchen for a tense and unnecessary face-off shot.
And then, the bombshell. That’s right. Shrapnel, bullets, grenades all flew from Ben Bayly’s thin wee mouth as he announced that there were three new Gatecrasher teams arriving. They came bursting in, palpably changing the vibe in the room and upsetting Neill in his ombré shirt. Make way for new teams Sugar & Spice, the Wellington Foodies and the Sporty Mums. MKR will never be the same.
Buzzword of the ep: “cray”
Prop of the ep: toilet paper
Screengrab of the ep: NSFW crayfish murder
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.