Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: Pania takes the crazy cake, Chris yells about butchery and TK mumbles his way through every conversation.
1) Pania takes it to the edge
Pania’s mental state is unraveling faster than a pair of pants from the $2 Shop. She shouts at Wendy, sees Caleb’s ghost, and gets up in the night to eat cake. What a nutbar!
Pania clings desperately to her relationship with TK, cancelling plans to visit whanau to play ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ with Tilly. Hardly seems a fair contest, but toddlers can be clever little feckers sometimes.
Realising her secret about Caleb’s death is out, Pania assaults Kylie and flees with Tilly to the nearest cliff. Wendy and TK finally put two and two together and drive to Crazytown, population Pania.
As police sirens sound, Pania tells TK that everything she did was because she loved him. “If I can’t have you, then nothing else matters”.
Hey Tilly: if there’s ever a time you need to beat Pania with rocks and scissors, this is it.
2) Victoria makes friends and influences people
Victoria will need a hospital-grade moisturizer to ease the pain of rubbing her colleagues up the wrong way this week. She makes a right spectacle of herself at Rachel’s party, turning up with a face like a smacked arse and drinking herself silly.
Before long, Victoria’s the aggressive drunk in the corner picking a fight with the cool kids.
For someone so smart Victoria is slow to learn, and later calls Drew a ‘butcher’ in front of the entire ED. Chris huffs and puffs and insists Victoria treats her colleagues with respect.
Good luck with that one, Warner.
3) TK says…something?
I’d love to recap what TK said this week, but the man mumbles so much that I can barely understand a word he says. I’m fairly certain he was pissed off at catching Kylie and Drew alone in a house doing absolutely nothing.
Here, I think he was mumbling something about organizing counseling for Pania.
And I think here he was confronting Pania about Caleb’s death. Or maybe he was just asking who drank all the milk.
Never has clarity of speech been more important than when Pania and Tilly are standing on the cliff edge. Now’s the time to move your lips and jaw, TK!
Clear as a bell! Let’s just hope Pania understood…
4) Rachel is appointed CEO of Awesomeness
At a fancy soiree for potential hospital investors, Rachel sparkles like a newly sterilized scalpel under a surgical lamphead.
But she shone the brightest when Victoria — who spends most of her workday sucking on lemons — offered a wooden apology for her drunken behavior. Rachel delivers the line of the week, nay the year: “You were a dick,” she tells Victoria.
Then in one long breath, Rachel schools Victoria in 1) the challenges of maintaining funding in a public/private owned hospital 2) warning signs of alcoholism and unhealthy drinking habits and 3) the challenges women face working in a male dominated environment.
That’s right, Victoria. Auntie Rachel says ‘no more beersies for you’.
5) Leanne and Howard are at it like a pair of teenagers
Leanne basks in the glow of a whirlwind romance with Howard. He’s loaded, he’s generous, he showers regularly – what’s not to like? It’s all on, even after Howard learns his new love is not the CEO of Shortland Street but plain phone-answering Leanne from Tauranga.
Nicole thinks Howard sounds too good to be true. She’s right. It turns out poor ol’ Howie has a terminal illness and is determined to live every day as if it’s his last.
6) Harper gets an offer she can’t refuse (but probably should)
Harper’s back from Wellington! Boyd’s almost as happy to see her as he is his new 3D printer.
In the world’s lamest proposal, Boyd tells Harper “I love you just the way you are”. Basically he’s offering to put up with her shitload of annoying habits until the blessed day when one of them dies and releases the other from a life of marital torment and despair. Harper, snap him up before I do. What a catch!
7) Margaret has mo’ money, mo’ problems
When the going gets tough, Margaret goes shopping. After a stressful week at work where she almost kills a patient, Margaret seeks retail therapy and purchases a new television.
Mo’s unimpressed. Sure, he can watch The Bachelorette in 3D now, but what about that old ‘we don’t have any money’ argument? Thankfully Margaret distracts everyone from her uncontrollable spending by encouraging Edwin to move home and celebrating Pixie’s birthday.
8) Steve: the patient who keeps on giving
Look, it’s Steve the Patient! Alas, Steve dropped down the rankings this week, mostly because his life no longer perilously hangs in the balance. Yawn. Nonetheless, Steve basks in the glory of surgical notoriety. “Here’s my baby,” he says to Victoria, showing her a photo of a) his child b) his bike c) let’s not think about what else he could be showing her.
Go well, Steve, and let’s not see you back here again, okay?
9) Drew feels faint
Is there a doctor in the house? “Feel my pulse. Anywhere you like”.
What will this week of Shortland Street bring? Will TK save Tilly and make peace with Kylie? Will Victoria surprise us all and crack a smile? And will Drew stop sleazing over the women in the hospital and finally do some work? Of course not, but we can always live in hope.
Want more Shortland Street recap goodness? Watch the latest episode of Shorty Street Scandal below:
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.