Your daily rolling recap of Come Dine With Me NZ, serving up piping hot takes on New Zealand’s greatest social experiment.
Welcome to Come Dine With Me Daily, The Spinoff’s hub for all things Come Dine With Me NZ.We’ll be updating this post throughout the week as the show plays out, providing you with a denser dining experience than Eds’ rock hard banoffee pie.
Seen something weird on the show that you’d like to see included? Tweet @TheSpinoffTV and we’ll add your flavourful contributions into this simmering recap stew.
Week Six – Day Five
We’re in Westmere on the final night for Brodie’s Wildflower experience. Everyone is flowered up the nines (pines), natured up to a tee (tree). Apart from local legend Damon, who obviously had to make the world’s best joke. Now THIS is funnier than a fart:
Kicking of with some with very vague “tasty tapas”, there’s much confusion as to what a “cucumber cracker” is. “It’s just alliteration,” Brodie says. Don’t get Laurel flared up on alliteration, that’s just like onomatopoeia – right? Never mind, time for a button fight!
After the sugar-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, food-free starter, it’s on to the main of humungous weird fish parcels. It’s more raw than when Anita slammed Damon’s Burberry onesie, and looks like mail gone wrong:
Onto the entertainment, and two blokes from Brodie’s hallway come out to sing a custom song for our competitors. It goes down a storm, proving once again that everyone loves stuff about them, Doesn’t matter what it is. Custom rubbish. Custom toilet paper. Custom song.
The evening finishes up with a dessert of avocado mousse, vegan cake, chia seed berry jam. It’s a bit too wild for most of the guests, but at least Grayson likes it. The scores roll out and Anita takes the Come Dine cake this week.
That’s a joke because they all hate cake, you see… Ah, what fun.
Week Six – Day Four
Today we are headed to the home of cupcake queen and number one all-round cake fan, Laurel:
Her house is a hoarder haven, packed to the gills with Nutrigrain boxes and bags of dried herbs that she compares to ‘crack’. Whether some of them do actually contain drugs, we’ll never know. One thing is for sure, the mess is going to upset Grayson. Will he flip his beautiful Beyonce-themed lid? We’re about to find out…
The guests arrived and got stuck right into some weird guacamole cones before getting settled at the table. It’s a bridal theme to be sure, but barmy Laurel has set the knives and forks the wrong way! Talk about marrying an axe murderer!
After a delicious chicken starter, Damon and Anita hit the snoops to see what Laurel is stashing in her bedroom. Aside from a giant cupcake-shaped voodoo doll, of course. They find some very upsettingly large vibrating massagers, which Laurel confirms are to help her “ancient beast” body. Damon also snaffles away a lightsaber, naturally.
After a delicious lamb main, everyone wants to marry Laurel or at least be adopted by her. Don’t get too into it though, she’s burnt the toffee and it smells like a million farts. At least that’s opened up the dinner conversation that the world has been waiting for: does Grayson fart?
Anita reckons he does it into a balloon, and I reckon it’s probably time to wrap up dinner.
Week Six – Day Three
It’s time for Damon to hit the kitchen in a troubling afro wig. Taking time out from prowling the mean streets of Howick in a Stromtrooper outfit, Damon has grown up by making traffic light drinks for everybody (Aka Cobb & Co. With Me). His theme tonight is to dress up as what you wanted to be when you were younger. Anita turns up first to the party as a sexy take on an FBI Officer, because she couldn’t find the ‘sexy vet’ costume that she really wanted. Brodie arrives as a flapper, a particularly sophisticated choice for a child. Finally, Grayson and Laurel fly in on the first jetplane from pilottown.
Everything goes to hell in a handbasket for Damon from the second he puts out the record-cover place mats. There’s truffle oil everywhere, and no serviettes. Anita’s traffic light has turned acid green. It’s looking like a disaster. Snooping around between courses, Grayson and Anita uncover possibly the least funny bedroom find of the series so far. It’s just a tailor-made Burberry onesie, that Damon had whipped up in Thailand. An admirable, brave garment.
Back to the food, he’s messed up his beef. Here’s hoping the chocolate mousse is enough to win over the hearts and minds of the nation – and force everyone to forget that he definitely didn’t provide any entertainment at any point. Or was that the lightsaber?
Week Six – Day Two
It’s day two on Come Dine With Me NZ, and we are off to Anita’s house in Birkenhead for nothing unexpected and everything chilled out – because that’s exactly what she expects from a dinner party. Look out Laurel, the scary big canapé spoons are coming out again!
For her entertainment, Anita wheeled out some Brazilian dancers to do a casual performance. Because Anita likes casual. Not like the drag queen last night, who for whatever disturbing reason was deemed far less casual than the extraordinarily similar (if not more flamboyant) Brazilian dancing.
But before we get to the bottom of Anita’s distaste towards drag queens, Laurel has knocked a bloody pot plant over. Still reeling from the big spoon, probably. Onto the rare main – a little too rare for some – and Laurel is now back onto onomatopoeia.
GEEK?! Talking of geeks, Grayson and Brodie rip into the kids bikes in the nursery and Grayson does the weirdest take on a Batman voice I’ve ever heard. To distract everyone, he threw a toy baby across the room. They are interrupted by Mum, I mean Anita, who tells them that it is time for dessert. Luckily, she’s cut the cake sizes based on how hungus she thinks everyone is, so nobody is going to get offended in the slightest. A lovely, casual night.
Week Six – Day One
We kick off the week in Herne Bay with the world’s most beautiful face Grayson Coutts and his fluffy, pristine white Samoyed. Just like the prophetic pooch, this is unfortunately the first all-white contestant week on Come Dine With Me.
Grayson is a makeup artist who likes his home organised, and his framed photos to be of strictly of himself.
But enough about him, let’s meet the rest of the gang. There’s Laurel, a 51 year old cupcake entrepreneur who hates cupcakes and has a good grouchy cat:
Anita, a 34 year-old mother of two who loves to laugh heaps and do cross-fit at the same time:
Damon, a Warriors fan who stalks the suburban streets as a Stormtrooper and has the world’s most relevant CD collection:
And Brodie, a 24 year-old school teacher and the subject of the most horrifically experimental Come Dine CGI yet:
The night itself was about as well-measured and perfect as Grayson’s facial features. He hired his own bartender henchman who made gin and tonics with flowers in them, seemed less than worth it. The conversation quickly turned, as always on Come Dine, to poop.
After some snapper, it’s time for a bizarre and possibly offensive “short arms” comedy routine from Anita. But short arms aren’t the only physical ailment under the microscope tonight:
There’s a quiet revelation that Grayson also went far in NZ’s Hottest Baker a few years ago, but has since developed an intolerance to gluten and dairy, along with the rest of middle class Auckland. Anita calls these people “glutards”. For the entertainment, a drag queen is dragged out of the garage for a bit of strut:
The naughtiness doesn’t stop there, it was time for the classic game “Get Damon to Say Titties”:
Overall, the food looked baller af but was marked quite harshly after a dry chicken pilaf. As Damon might say, tough titties. / AC
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.