Your daily rolling recap of Come Dine With Me NZ, serving up piping hot takes on New Zealand’s greatest social experiment.
Welcome to Come Dine With Me Daily, The Spinoff’s hub for all things Come Dine With Me NZ.We’ll be updating this post throughout the week as the show plays out, providing you with a denser dining experience than Eds’ rock hard banoffee pie.
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Week Seven – Day Two
We are at party man Pete’s house tonight, where he reveals another chilling lost lyric to his cover of ‘Moves Like Jagger’ (“I’ve got the horn like Jagger”). He jumps from the trampoline to his train set, and I’m beginning to think this is some kind of remake of the Robin Williams hit Jack.
Turns out I’ve got the wrong Robin Williams flick altogether – Pete opts to wear luxury women’s clothes to parties in the style of Mrs Doubtfire. It’s a Come Dine staple, and nothing to bat an eyelash at. Good on you Pete. “I’m no Bruce – or is it Caitlyn – Jenner though” he inists. Caitlyn, Pete, it’s Caitlyn.
Time to slap this giant hunk of beef whilst making the world’s softest groans. “Time to get that little ass seared off” Pete explains, slipping instantly into One Hour Photo Robin Williams mode. The guests begin to arrive, bringing with them a plethora of awkward silences and lamb chop gifts.
The tuna starter evokes a lot of racy virgin chat, with Cathy claiming it’s her very first time with the fish. It’s not Donna’s first rodeo, she’s been around the block with tuna big time. Ariel remains confused as to whether they are talking about tuna or sex. Time for the cursory bedroom snoop, and this is where things get dicier than Pete’s tart tartin (spoiler alert):
They find a big comedy bra and some big comedy stockings. “Now I’m concerned” Donna warns, suddenly placing harsh judgement despite her sluzzy tuna reputation. “This is a little awkward” says Cathy, as we all suddenly take a million steps back as a nation. “It’s funny” says Ariel. Poor Pete, he seemed genuinely put out by their reactions. I hope one day a man owning a big lady bra isn’t the butt of the joke. Damn you Mrs Doubtfire.
Dessert is a disastrous apple slop, and Pete cowers in the kitchen after getting royally owned all night. Looking forward to tomorrow when we get the second Hugh Hefner costume of the series. It’s been too long. / AC
Week Seven – Day One
We go to chilly Christchurch this week, to see what the Cantabrians can offer this very specific television talent pool of “culinary kook”. Our first host is Donna, a 42 year-old teacher with a penchant for dressing up. At least she’s not going to dress-up as a Jamaican, and do a terrible rendition of ‘Three Little Birds’.
Oh wait, never mind. She is joined by 23 year-old beauty queen Ariel, last year’s winner of Miss World New Zealand. Ariel is here to make friends with some people her age, and I have a feeling she’s probably got a better chance at single-handedly bringing about world peace:
There’s also Cathy, the matriarch of a swan clan who loves “working that digger”:
Pete, a 50 year-old builder who wears a classic NZ music month tee and loves rocking the F out on his trampoline whilst butchering Maroon 5 lyrics and Mick Jagger impressions in one fell swoop:
And finally there’s Tess, a mad Englishwoman who “loves the England” and is seemingly running her own market stall of English-themed tat from her own backyard:
In a Come Dine With Me NZ first – frankly so kiwi it hurts – two of the guests know each other. With the ice truly broken between old singing mates Donna and Pete, Donna gets busy pouring some hellish blue cheese sauce onto an iceberg wedge for the starter. Pete settles in with the ladies and makes nice, normal and non-threatening dinner conversation:
The lettuce meal brings about a plate swap between the swan maiden Cathy and ol’ winky Pete. It seems Pete will become the village pig of the week, guzzling all scraps in between very awkward one-sided chat about the All Blacks. Time for the entertainment, hopefully this won’t bring about anymore tense racial costuming.
Never mind. Tess got Cool Runnings.
With Ariel visibly in a living, breathing, hell – she is forced to dress up as Fifty Shades of Grey. This sends Pete going crazy over dessert, wildly guessing how many of the women have read the steamy series. “It’s the only trilogy I’ve ever read” Donna beams. What a night. Donna comes away with a strong score of 29 and I’ve seen way more white people doing Jamaican accents than I could have ever anticipated. / AC
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