Every day in the leadup to Christmas, open the door to reveal a Spinoff writer’s short, sizzling commentary on a weighty subject. Our arbitrary and strictly enforced word limit: 365. Today: Don Rowe on why we should call off this garbage year a few weeks early.
Incessant rain, unseasonable storms and a nationwide trend towards the absurd has driven this country completely over the edge.
Last week started with the news that parental tears had flooded the streets of Nelson. Children, they cried, had been quite literally robbed of magic when Santa ditched his beard and pot belly for a korowai at the annual Christmas parade.
“It’s the death of Santa,” said local resident Diane Chandler.
It seems decolonised Santa is proof the last bastions of European tradition in New Zealand have been stamped out. Honestly, if that is the case then: oh well.
It wasn’t even the most preposterous Santa story of the news cycle. One week before that, National Party leader Simon Bridges rode to the defence of disgraced Auckland Santa Neville Baker, who was barred from the Auckland parade after saying a woman couldn’t play Santa, only a helper in a ‘little skirt and top’.
“You guys this morning are telling me that man didn’t walk on the moon, now you’re telling me Santa’s a woman,” Bridges bleated on the AM Show. “I just want a few things I can believe in.”
Well I want to believe politicians are focused on the real dangers and we’re not all permafucked – oh wait:
Before the Santa Affair, local corporates banded together in a show of solidarity with Police after the organisation was barred from marching in uniform in the Auckland Pride Parade. The parade, which has origins in a police raid which helped to spark the gay liberation movement, couldn’t be considered inclusive if cops couldn’t join in too, said Vodafone, BNZ, NZME and more. Cops should stop beating up minorities, countered people like Emilie Rākete. Duncan Garner called them “precious wee sausages.”
Before that we had the Jami-Lee Ross affair, the Clare Curran Affair, and Neve at the UN. Four children were hit by lightning last week at a school in Hamilton. Social media is currently dominated by TERFs, 1080 activists and people who think communism is a system based on tax.
Back down in Nelson, locals are being warned not to leave their incense unattended after a house almost burned down.
Enough is enough, let’s put 2018 in the dirt.
Read the Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar in full here
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.