Photo: Getty Images

Cute news! The Spinoff readers really love having friends a lot!

The Spinoff partnered with UMR to survey the attitudes of our readers, and the nation as a whole. Today, how social are The Spinoff readers? And how much do we suck at chores?

Turns out The Spinoff readers love having friends more than anything else in this tumultuous journey we call life – including having a good job or owning a house. Turns out I just ripped my own heart of my body, baked it into a heart-shaped cake, and ate it for breakfast, lunch and tea because that is a WHOLESOME MEAL. Of all the findings from our survey with UMR, this is the one that caused me to unleash an uncontrollable wail in the middle of the presentation. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I may never. I’m actually crying right now.

Asking what mattered to our own readers and comparing them to the country at large, here’s what people said was the most important to them. JUST LOOK AT THIS AND TELL ME YONDER EYES ARE STILL DRY AS THE SAHARA YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER!!!

Where the nationwide survey revealed only 44% of people see having friends as one the most important things in life – equal with saving for the future – The Spinoff readers came back with a walloping 75%. That’s over twice more vital than being able to travel and THRICE more than owning a car. Buying a house? Who gives a shit! Calendars packed with tropical holidays and your own garage bursting with Lamborghinis = pure hell. Hopping on a Lime scooter and heading over to Cheryl’s place for a giggle = pure heaven.

Perhaps it is that Spinoff readers already possess cars and houses alongside their snowflakey disposition but, looking across the rest of the survey, there’s not a lot of difference. 36% of Spinoff readers are currently renting, as are 37% of people surveyed nationwide. Of those non homeowners, it’s nearly an even split between those who are saving for a house and those who aren’t – both nationwide and for Spinoff softies. In a way, if you have enough friends they can use their bodies to build you human home like the cave that the critter from Jeepers Creepers lives in. Sorry about that image if you clicked on it – can you tell I don’t have a lot of friends?

Maybe it’s that we are are realising that we are becoming online moles, all Facebook but no faces. All Instagram but no heart. All Netflix but no… chill. As our online and real lives intertwine like a rat king, I found the gaping yawn between the importance of having friends (75%) and having access to social media (9%) interesting, as the two increasingly feel like they go hand in hand. At the end of the day, for all the memes and inappropriate react emojis, we would rather spend time with our friends face to face. Because faces are, of course, nature’s emoji.

Photo: Getty Images

It could also be the way The Spinoff readers view themselves socially. When asked to mark the accuracy of the statement ‘I don’t talk a lot’, chatty Spinoff readers gave it a 3.4 accuracy out of 7 (where 7 means very accurate and 1 means very inaccurate) compared to the national average of 3.9. The Spinoff readers also believe that they feel others’ emotions more, are less likely to keep in the background, and are keen to solve others’ problems. In a heartening move, both Spinoff readers and people surveyed nationwide marked the statement ‘I am the life of the party’ at bang on 3.1 out of 7. A beautiful country of wallflowers.

I know I’m getting emotional here, but the pining for friendship is especially poignant given that over 650,000 people said they felt lonely in NZ over a mere four week period, and that 15-24 year olds feel the most isolated. It’s coming up to Christmas, a time for loved ones, good tidings and going out of your way to connect with those you haven’t heard from in a while. But before you get entirely fooled by this misty-eyed vision of caring, sympathetic Spinoff readers who would hand over their life savings for a game of Catan, I must alert you to one more figure.

When asked to describe the accuracy of the statement “I do chores right away”, The Spinoff readers responded with 3.8/7 accuracy, rather damning against the nationwide average of 4.3/7. So, if there’s one thing I’d like for you to ruminate on, it is the following:

The Spinoff readers are filthy grubs, but even filthy grubs need mates. Merry Christmas.


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