As we slide into 2019 it’s time to start thinking about the pun-based activities and festivities you’ll be giving up, giving into, marking and celebrating this year. Emily Writes is here to help.
Let’s start with the year itself. We all know that 2018 was in fact 20GayTeen but did you know 2019 is 20Bi-Teen? Yes! We have Men in Black coming out starring Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth, we have a guarantee that more video clips will have bisexual lighting as seen in Janelle Monae’s ‘Make Me Feel’, and we have other things – like potentially people realising you can be gay while married to someone of the apparent opposite gender to you. I mean come on, grow up, it’s 20Bi-Teen!
20Bi-Teen is the year of realisation that sexuality is a continuum and only the unfortunate few are completely straight (chill out, it’s a joke, don’t you like jokes???)
If 20Bi-Teen isn’t your thing, what about 20Fry-Teen? A tribute to fried foods! Or a Futurama reference. Whatever you prefer. You can also have 20Cry-Teen if your arms are aching from KonMari folding and you’ve already given up on the year eight days in.
Kick off this first month with Januhairy. It’s described as a “month-long movement to encourage women to ditch traditional trends and grow out their body hair”. But it could also be described as why do the children always get into the shower immediately as soon as I’m in there, I just want a shower by myself, how am I meant to shave with you two in here, this shower is too small, GOD I JUST WANT MY OWN BATHROOM.
You could try Januweary where you just lie on the couch exhausted because you never really got a break over the Christmas holidays. Or Hamuary where you just eat nothing but leftover Christmas ham for the entire month. Also available, Matthew Perry-uary where you only watch Matthew Perry movies for the month. Comic Sans-uary is the time to irritate every font nerd.
Febuary is clearly #Flabuary – you purposely thickened yourself up for this one. Be proud of your flab. Post it on Instagram. Wear a bikini to work. Deaduary is when you just lay there for a month waiting for the neighbourhood cats to eat your face. Beduary – stay in bed.
In Feb-rue-ary you need to reach inside yourself and pull out your inner supervillain. Seek revenge on all who have wronged you, make them rue the day they ever met you.
The next month gets you ready for All-Starch-March – potatoes 24-7 my friend. You can practise this alongside Parch(ed) which is just a thirsty month where you watch Alexander Skarsgard and Dwayne The Rock Johnson films. Also Take Abortion Out Of The Crimes Act March – very important.
Aprilliant is your chance to be your best most brilliant self for the whole month. Or Datepril – a new date every day. Chaferil is probably a direct result of All-Starch-March. Best to start Graperil my friend, an all grape diet will flush you right out.
Maybe-May is when you say maybe to all Facebook invites but go to exactly none of them. Everyone will hate you but you do you baby. Hermit life is where it’s at. You-Don’t-Say-May is when you just answer every mansplainer with “hmmm you don’t say?” for the whole month. “You don’t say” is really the most meaningless term when you think about it. You did say it. So why suggest you didn’t? There’s also Pay Teachers What They’re Worth May which I’m very behind.
Poon-June is all about vagina steaming. June (Carter-Cash) is a month of country music. Cocoon-June is when you make a cocoon out of papier-mâché and live in it for a month. June-iper is when you give up drinking (everything except gin).
Everyone knows Dry July but what about High July, that’s when you get extremely, extremely [redacted]. Chai July is when you only drink chai.
Flawless August is your chance to be your beautiful self in all your glory on every available social media platform. Aug-Lust is all about summoning your inner pervert and just posting the wet emoji everywhere. SoreThrush is your time to ensure you get that under control. AuGusto is when you eat as much as you can for the month.
During Slip-tember embrace and preach the gospel of support garments – specifically bike shorts under dresses. And there’s Stop Taking For Granted Our Midwifery System and Actually Fund And Resource It Properly September.
October is Mocktober – spend the month eating faux meat and wearing fake fur. Or alternatively, mock everyone you meanie. Socktober is a month of socks – did you wear socks last month? Doesn’t matter – wear socks this month.
November, there’s obviously Movember, and Brovember, and Snowvember but did you know about Chodevember? Probably best you don’t.
Buy new bras in Decembra or be a good Decembro and help dismantle toxic masculinity.
There’s something for everyone before we get to 2020 AKA Plenty Twenty if we’re all still alive then and Trump hasn’t nuked the world.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.