This week, a teenage special: Ms. X dishes out advice to a uni student with a crush on an older guy, and to a teen girl sick of hearing her sister have loud sex.
Hello Ms. X,
I am a 17 year old girl and I have two problems.
So I have a twin sister and we share a room and in our room we have a bathroom. Both my sister and I have a boyfriend and we are both sexually active.
We are both very different: she is the rebellious type, I am more calm, and it’s the same in our sex life. When my boyfriend and I have sex we mostly do it at his house. When we do have sex at my place I make sure no one else is home.
As I said, my sister is the opposite. When my sister and her bf have sex they are not ashamed of somebody hearing them – and by somebody I mean me.
My mum isn’t home a lot so it is easy to sneak in boys. I don’t care that she does because so do I, but my problem is that she has sex in the bathroom we share and screams like nobody is there and when she is finished she comes out of the bathroom with her bf and just says “oh hey” like nothing has happened.
I hate it because she knows I am super disgusted and I think it is disrespectful when she knows I am in the room. I don’t mind that she does it in our room because I do so too but just don’t do it when I am there.
My second problem is that I also have an almost 15 year old sister and every time I have sex I can’t stop thinking about the idea of my little sister being my age or younger and having sex and I don’t know what to do about it.
I am going to start with the younger sister issue.
A couple of weeks ago we had a letter from a young woman worried about her little sister having under-age sex. Read that for a start.
I felt concerned when you mentioned that you get worried about your little sister every time you have sex. That sounds to me like perhaps you aren’t enjoying the sex you are having. I am not criticising you or saying you should be having a blast every time you have sex, because sometimes for a variety of reasons we just don’t, but it made me wonder if that happens all the time for you?
With both you and your youngest sister in mind I asked my friend who teaches sex education to recommend a couple of websites that could be useful for both of you.
Try Scarleteen, which has all kinds of useful advice and information for young people about sex and relationships. I also like the vlogger Laci Green who dishes out the real talk, especially here on virginity.
OK. Twin sister with the loud sex life and no boundaries. This really is the living breathing definition of too much information.
I think you have to say something to her. Something very clear and plain like “ I don’t want to hear you having sex anymore.”
Could you suggest that your sister puts a sign on the door of the bedroom when she and her BF are planning on having sex? Or texts you? You may have to negotiate on what seems like a fair amount of time that she can have the room to herself exclusively.
It’s not unfair of you to ask this – sharing a small space shouldn’t be like a particularly vivid nature documentary 24/7.
However if she won’t talk about this and won’t change her behavior then you need to think about what you can do that makes her uncomfortable. You live in the same room so you will know what drives her bat shit crazy. Actually you shared a womb with her so you are uniquely qualified to know what will bug her.
Yes, I am aware that I am advocating sibling-based terrorism but sometimes you have to give people a taste of what they are dishing out.
When she complains about whatever it is you do then you say “great, lets make a deal” and start the negotiations.
In the meantime use ear plugs and start playing music she hates very loudly when she is having noisy sex.
And good luck with the little sister issue.
Hi Ms. X,
I’m a 2nd year student at the University of Auckland. I’m not a local – I moved up from New Plymouth and the last two years have been a real crash course in being an “Aucklander”. I’ve worked hard to appear a member of the aspirational middle-class, to wear branded make-up, to be able to recite opening dates for Zara, or the Bieber tour dates, or whatever the latest Gen Y fixation is.
Suffice to say, it’s been hard to adjust. What’s made it even more difficult is that I’ve fallen in love with a 5th year law student. Law school is just like the stereotypical high school from 10 Things I Hate About You – except it’s real and even worse. Taboo as it is, I just can’t help but but fall for him – never mind that it’s social suicide for us both.
What can I do, Ms. X? How do I get him to notice me in a sea of girls who are cooler, prettier and older than me?
Kia ora and welcome to Auckland.
Firstly OMG please stop spending money on expensive branded make up.
You probably have a student loan so you definitely can’t afford to be contouring like a Kardashian. Check out YouTube beauty vloggers who review cheap cosmetics like Shaaanxo, or Sali Hughes, who loves to review budget slap.
So you like a guy.
First just try and hang around him a little more to see if you really like him, or if it is just one of those nice fizzy distracting but temporary crushes. If it feels more serious – and I notice you use the ‘love’ word – then get more information on who he is and what he is like because your time is valuable. Think of it as market research: you’re making sure you don’t launch a premium product at the wrong audience.
We need as much information as we can get because when we have a crush it’s like being in a noisy place where our brains aren’t working properly. Our rational and cognitive powers are reduced because of the shouty hormonal voice yelling I REALLY LIKE HIM. I SHOULD TOTALLY JUST KISS HIM NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET BECAUSE ITS THE BEST IDEA I EVER HAD. If lust had a font it would be all-caps.
With a voice like that in your head (and pants) it can be hard to access and quantify more subtle information, but do try to. You might even notice things that make him unattractive to you. But you have to try and modulate the lusty internal voice so you can read the quiet clues.
And without turning into an A-grade stalker or boundary crosser, just try to hang around with him a bit more. Then when you see him around and the opportunity feels right maybe suggest grabbing a coffee. Or after you know some more about him and get a feeling that he noticed you and has been warm in return, send him a private message on social media asking if he wants to get a drink.
If he responds in a way that makes you feel embarrassed then he definitely isn’t worth pursuing. If he turns you down then try to gracefully move on even if it feels ouchy and humiliating.
Also you mention the age difference. I am guessing it’s no more that about four or five years so that is just a problem in your mind. Don’t assume it’s a problem for him till he says it. Sometimes we over think stuff to a ridiculous extent.
Instead of asking “How do I get him to notice me?” I want you to shift your goals up a bit. Think about moving towards a state of “I want to know more about him to see if he warrants my attention and energy.”
Over all, please be yourself Caller. I mean obviously a charming, nice smelling and thoughtful version of yourself – but be yourself. Because if you like someone then it’s optimal that they like who you really are.
Generally (not specifically you) I get a bit freaked out when people bend themselves out of shape to attract the gaze of someone they fancy. Be yourself, because there is no point in constructing a false self to lure someone in. It just doesn’t work out well in the short or long term if you aren’t authentic.
If he likes who you are then maybe it will lead to other stuff. The stuff that the lusty all caps yelling voices are keen for.
KISS HIM NOW. TOUCH HIS C…
Oh god. Shut up.
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