Who was it, who was it, who was it underneath the mask in episodes seven and eight?
Welcome back to your favourite fever dream, where two more creatures were banished into the karaoke wilderness and we officially ran out of New Zealand celebrity guesses. It’s week four and names are being thrown around willy-nilly, from Russell Crowe to Bilbo fucking Baggins, and things are getting desperate. Clint Randell took off his clothes, Sharyn stole guesses from the audience, and even Ladi6 stopped suggesting one of LAB’s two back-up singers.
So who is it, who is it, who is it underneath Clint’s pants? Rhys Darby is all of us, having given up entirely and no longer caring about who’s hiding beneath the mask. It’s the journey, not the destination that’s important for Darby, and this week his speculative pendulum swung wildly from “Jared Leto” to “a real monster”. The clues offer him no solace. “I mean, I listened to it, but I can’t decipher what a clue is amongst the words,” he said, while the rest of us tried to find hidden meaning in “it’s like I always say, where there’s a wool, there’s a way”.
But what are words? What are sounds? Life is nothing but an oversized reptile singing ‘Cake by the Ocean’ while his pimpy gold chains clang to the beat, so smother me with a giant pavlova as we chew over the rankings.
Eliminated: Jellyfish – Matilda Green
Song: ‘You Don’t Own Me’ by Lesley Gore
Judge guesses: “Some superhuman hybrid of all the people I’ve said” / Dannii Minogue / Esther Stephens / Jaime Curry
Toodle oodle, Matootles. Her voice was beautiful, but there can only be one famous singing fish and his name is Billy Bass. Take me to the river, Jellyfish, because nobody knows why such a strong singer was sent home. This place is the wild west, run by a cowboy wearing chocolate fish speedos, and the only rule here is there are no rules.
Eliminated: Monster – Kings
Songs: ‘Can we just talk’ by Khalid, ‘Return of the Mack’ by Mark Morrison
Judge guesses: Scribe / A real monster / J Williams / Johnny Tuivasa-Sheck
Tane Williams / Cookie Time Monster / Julian Dennison / Kings
Can you imagine if Rhys Darby’s guess was correct and this was the Cookie Time Monster? And that inside of the Cookie Time Monster was another Cookie Time Monster, and another inside of that, and inside of that? What a delicious feast of singing Matryoshka biscuits, where the last one is just a tiny monster crumb humming the chorus of ‘Can We Just Talk’ until you eat him simply to get a moment’s peace, meaning you were the monster all along.
Songs: ‘Supalonely’ by Benee, ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go Go’ by Wham
Judge guesses: K’Lee / Detective Kristen Sims from Brokenwood Mysteries / Tami Neilson / Aaradhna
K’Lee / Lisa Chappell / Laura Daniel / Megan from The Edge
It’s Joe Cotton. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT’S JOE COTTON.
Songs: ‘Blister in the Sun’ by Violent Femmes, ‘Turn the Beat Around’ by Gloria Estefan
Judge guesses: Jono Pryor / Russell Crowe / Brad Kora / Kieran Reid
Donald from Nesian Mystik / Willie Apiata / Rob Ruha / Israel Dagg
Ah, old mate Disco Rap Sheep. This week’s clues were all about being ‘honored’ and ‘number 10’, so it’s either Dan Carter, Boris Johnson or The Count from Sesame Street. Don’t say it couldn’t happen.
Songs: ‘Cake by the Ocean’ by DNCE, ‘Nobody Else’ by Tex Pistol and Rikki Morris
Guesses: Lachie from The Wiggles / Bilbo Baggins / Moses Mackay / KJ Apa
Bryce Casey / Paul Williams / Jason Kerrison / KJ Apa
All roads lead to Jason “Mary Poppins” Kerrison, but I’d pay good money to see Lachie from The Wiggles fight it out with Bilbo Baggins next season. Do the propeller, you mysterious beasts of burden.
Songs: Back to Black by Amy Winehouse, Landslide by The Chicks
Judge guesses: Black Fern Niall Williams / Kerre McIvor / Astar / Hilary Barry
The Briscoes Lady or Jacinda Ardern / Jayne Kiely / Teremoana Rapley / Laura Daniel
Spoiler alert: Pavlova is The Spinoff’s own Sam Brooks, who had the pleasure of spending an afternoon locked inside our favourite meringue’s inner sanctum earlier this week. Onstage, however, Pavlova could be anyone. Kanoa Lloyd? Teuila Blakely? It doesn’t matter who, but if they are indeed The Briscoes Lady, we will all die happy.
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