The Block, week four: The oldies keep on rollin’

Welcome to week four of The Block NZ, where the raw salad of life was chopped up and laid out before our very eyes.

Our teams left Hobsonville Point on a one-way ticket to Struggletown, warping into frazzled reno zombies who were one misplaced skylight away from painting their spirit animal onto a piece of wood, chopping it out with a Bosch power tool and shooting tennis balls at it.

Wait, that actually happened, so now everything’s fine.

This is NOT a Toby Morris illustration.

Our precious contestants were trapped in renovation hell, with all available exits covered in soggy Sudoku toilet paper. Not even Pieday Friday lifted their spirits, and you know things are bad when pastry fails to make things better. So, when life on the The Block NZ gives you lemons and onions, you use the peelings to make a portrait of your teammate, and suddenly the world seems a much brighter place.

Who is she?

It was déjà vu as Stu and Amy took out their third consecutive win for their kids’ bedroom, wowing the judges with their magical wall circle of gold paint. Ben and Tom become a giant pain in The Wolf’s hind, while Claire and Agni stepped into some sort of Avatar twilight zone. Thankfully Em and Chlo surfed through the chaos in the Freedom daybed of their dreams, letting the drama wash over them like a flushed out septic pipe.

Let’s peer through the misty windows of Hobsonville Point and discover who has truss issues, whose plans lie in tatters like an abandoned bedside table flatpack, and who needs to find their mojo quicker than an architect graduate breaking his nose on a steel frame. Hold onto your MDF spirit animals, this is quite the ride*.

*it is not

1) Em and Chlo

This is the worst remake of Thelma and Louise.

At last, The Block NZ blessed us with the poo related storyline we all deserve. Chlo and Em were in the shit this week, as a blocked pipe threatened to wash away their hope and dreams in a putrid wave of excrement. Whose bowel was responsible for the blockage? Do plumbers charge extra for getting crap on their face, and did the girls really just say ‘floater’ on prime-time television? Indeed, shit just got real.

“Poo literally came pouring out!” Chlo and Em wailed, as they dry-retched their way to second place in the room reveal and first in the classic ‘Make a Vegetable Portrait of Your BFF’ game changer challenge. It’s true, wherever Chlo and Em go, good/poo times follow.

2) Ben and Tom

Ben and/or Tom is looking bloody rough this week.

Cover these two in glow in the dark paint and hide them in a disused stairwell, because they are a law unto themselves and I’m loving every minute of it. The two BFFs were The Wolf’s worst nightmare this week, after Ben concussed himself and Tom risked life and limb with some precarious building shenanigans. They’re breaking hearts and rules all day every day, making the Wolf so mad I bet he rage-blocked them from his Pinterest page.

At least they won Dinner Wars, but what good is a house load of exterior paint if you can’t hit a wooden honey badger with a tennis ball?  Makes you think.

3) Claire and Agni

Meanwhile, Claire and Agni audition for Blue Man Group.

The Block is all about inches, and we’re two inches too short.” They’d be words to live by if I knew what they meant, but Claire and Agni know the low down on this hoe down and as long as it involves a ponga tree and some strobe lighting then everything’s tickety-boo.

Two inches, two skylights, two contestants wearing Avatar costumes while standing in a bath to get a cheap laugh from a judge wearing a polka dot blazer. These are the reality moments I live for, and Claire and Agni keep delivering the goods like Em’s courier/career driver. They’re a wee bit lost, but I’ve got faith they’ll still turn up in the end.

4) Amy and Stu

This rooster has tasted blood, and he thirsts for it every morning. Be wary.

I don’t want to keep repeating myself like Mark Richardson sitting on an unplumbed toilet screaming “TIMES UP!”, but these guys know exactly what they’re doing. Their bedroom scored a winning 21 out of 20, and with scores like that it’s no wonder Agni’s so confused.

Even Mark’s over Stu and Amy’s dream run, ordering the other teams to sort their shit out. “Let’s have a competition!” he barked, but cockadoodle do to you, Mark. These two roosters are ruffling more feathers than a Desert Chic themed oversized dreamcatcher in a stiff Hobsonville Point breeze, and it is a glorious, glorious thing.

Special mention: Emmett’s return

Can we please have an all-star series ASAP thank you and goodnight.


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