Everyone’s a winner on The Bachelor NZ (well, apart from the four women sent packing). Tara Ward delivers the first power rankings of the new season.
Welcome back to another magical season of The Bachelor NZ, and can you even believe it? After lapping up this week’s romantic hijinks with Lexie and Hamish, we’ve just watched new Bachelor Moses Mackay kick off his season with a bang. Has anyone ever told him he was born for the stage? Get the man a job in the theatre! He’s the Bachelor, he’s the host, he’s the counsellor we never knew we needed. He’s got an icebreaker for every conversation, and he’s giving us a masterclass in facial expressions:
Most importantly, Moses is ready to find the love of his life, and 18 single women just pulled up to his mansion of hopes and dreams. None of them knew who he was, but it doesn’t matter. This group of single women are a delight, and this week was a shining example of how a group of females can exist together on a reality TV show without being played off against each other. The vibe was warm and friendly, and the women lifted each other up and celebrated each other for the smart and courageous people that they are. It’s bloody refreshing to see it on the telly in 2021.
In fact, everyone’s a winner on The Bachelor NZ, including little Art Green’s face when he saw Moses for the first time:
SENT HOME: AMANDA, GEORGIA, KATE, FREYA
Kate, Freya, Georgia and Amanda were the first to be eliminated. Amanda barely had time to share her love of Home and Away, Kate thought she was too young for the Bach, and in the words of Freya: “I just think he’s a silly man… but he’s also a lovely man.” Never a truer word spoken.
SPECIAL MENTION: GEORGIA, WRONGFULLY EVICTED
Georgia, sweet Georgia, light of our lives and brightest star of week one. Her eviction from the premises was criminal, and if Negin was a proper police officer she would have arrested Moses on the spot. I will riot until Georgia returns, or at the very least, I will close my eyes and remember the many, many hilarious moments she packed into a single hour of television. Georgia might just be the best thing Moses never had, based on this incredible stream of consciousness:
Georgia speaks for us all, because you could apply “worse than cross country” to almost every situation your life, and who hasn’t wanted to fit into an awkward group situation by shouting out “I LIKE LABRADORS TOO?”
Come back soon, Georgia. Until that blessed day, let’s crank straight into the rankings.
First to arrive on the red carpet, Sabby came in hot, literally. She bought Moses some “spice up your life” chillies, but slam it to the left if you’re having a good time, shake it to the right if you need three glasses of milk and a sit down afterwards.
Love Kimi, love her optimism after Moses inexplicably shot down her request for a quick chat.
Kayla made the most memorable entrance of the night, taking us on a musical journey with a song she’d written especially for Moses. “Why not whip it out on TV?” Kayla said of her ukulele (sounds like uKayla, spooky). Moses said she was bold and brave; I’m still thinking about the line “I’ve already got the name of our kids tattooed across my fingertips”. Scary thing is, I believe her.
Enjoys playing cards, wants Moses to be her king of hearts. Love it.
Lana rocked up with some homemade kombucha that was quickly hoovered up by self-proclaimed “booch connoisseur” Art Green. I Googled “booch connoisseur” and apparently it’s wanky talk for “I love fizzy water with floaties in it”. Look, something in my turgid gut tells me Lana bringing kombucha into the mansion is an excellent move. Art won’t let his booch dealer disappear before he’s had his proper fix, and Moses’s nerves will be eased by the power of the floaties. A happy day for us all.
Devaney unleashed a poem that Moses thought was a bit cringe, but what isn’t cringe these days? It’s not like someone drank your kombucha, Moses! It wasn’t worse than cross country, Moses! I LOVE LABRADORS TOO, MOSES!
Made a flower out of rope, like a clever love magician. Incredible.
Hold me closer, tiny elephant, because Shanae’s gift of a little ornamental elephant earned her Moses’s second rose on night one, proving that tiny trunks are always the way forward.
Moses and Sam bonded over Sam’s health issues, and I can feel it in my boochie waters that this is another pairing we need to keep a quiet eye on. If only there weren’t 13 other couples to keep an eye on at the same time, in the same house, on the same date! This is a cruel game, friends.
Moses loved Niki’s energy, I loved her terrible rap at the cocktail party. Niki is the gift that keeps on giving, because she gave Moses her rose quartz, he gave her his first impression rose, and then she gave him a sneaky peck in front of the other women. Look, time is money in the Bach universe and you can’t just loll around rhyming “party” with “hottie” for the next four weeks. Or can you? Sure, why not.
Someone call 111, Negin is paddling straight into Moses’s heart. They shared a lovely time together on the dragon boats, then had a lovely chat together by the sea. Lovely. Everything’s lovely.
Given the first rule of Date Club is “never joke about the booger”, Shivani was a total champ when Moses broke the booger law during their one-on-one. The word “booger” alone is like fingers down a blackboard, but to shame Shivani on national television about a rogue piece of mucus that may or may not have been clinging on to her nostril for dear life? No, Moses Mackay, this will not do. It was Poppy farting on the beach all over again, it was Boogergate 2021, it was enough to make me break out in a 3am cold sweat on Shivani’s behalf.
I cannot get enough of delightful Lou and her snack chat. She mentions snacks in her TVNZ bio, the first question she asked Moses was if he liked snacks (a make or break question, let’s be honest) and then she went all the way to Snack City for the tasty trifecta, uttering the immortal words to the Bach: “you’re a snack”. Did I mention Moses might be her cousin? Delicious.
1) Chanel Excel
This is what love at first sight feels like, because I’ve never been prouder of New Zealand than the moment Chanel arrived on the red carpet with an EXCEL SPREADSHEET. The Bachelor can stick its expensive helicopter rides and steamy bathtub pashes in the trash, because from now on I want 12 episodes of Chanel showing us her basic formulas and text strings in various scenic locations around New Zealand. Excellent, on many levels.
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