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The Block NZ Week One: Just like a rollercoaster from hell, only longer

Our resident Blockaholic Jane Yee recaps the highs and lows from week one of The Block NZ, including wild pranks and the Dylz/Dyls conundrum.

Hello, my name is Jane and I’m a Blockaholic. I did the quiz on the TV3 website, it’s official.

The Block holds a lot of appeal for me. Not because I take any real interest in construction or interior design, but because I enjoy watching a lot of television – and if nothing else, The Block is a lot of television.

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The multiple hours a week are more than I could possibly condense into a blow-by-blow written recap, so instead I’ll pick some moments of personal interest each week and probably annoy you all by not covering the bits that you want covered.

Hey, this is a competition, I’m not here to make friends.

1) Girls vs Boys

This is problematic for me because:

a) I’m struggling to convince my four year-old that I’m allowed to like the colour green (even though I’m a girl), and this sort of pink jobs/blue jobs bullshit on the telly doesn’t help.

b) When someone refers to another team as “the girls” or “the boys” there are two options for each and I don’t have the brain space to figure out which team they’re talking about. Or are they talking about two teams at once?

See, this is too hard, pass me a donut.

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2) Dyls and Dylz

This whole Dyls and Dylz thing is mind-boggling. To be fair, I always have trouble remembering names during week one of The Block, but I usually get there before long.

You guys, I really think I may make it to the end of season five without figuring out which one is S and which one is Z. To me they will forever be Bebop and Rocksteady, but for ease of writing I will henceforth refer to either one as Dylsz. Of course collectively they are The Dylzs.

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3) The Pranks

Wow, it’s only week one and these teams have wasted no time getting silly with each other. I can imagine in years to come we’ll all look back and reminisce about the time Niki (or Tiff, I’m sure I’ll figure out who’s who within a week or two) swept dust from her side of the room to The Dylzs’ side! Classic gag.

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And who could forget when Niki (or Tiff) got Wolfie to convince The Dylzs their polished concrete floor was a slipping hazard? Oh man, such a good joke, I’m forever pulling that one on my friends.

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Also, something about mattresses and dinner.

4) Sam and Emmett

Probably the first ever team on The Block that I’ve connected with in week one. These guys get my first-impression rose.

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5) The Challenges

Okay guys, this challenge is simple, all you have to do is go on this rollercoaster and look for clues. What kind of clues? Not telling. Now put the power tools in the same order you saw them in just before when you were trying not to spew in your mouth.

Oh, you didn’t see the posters? Hop on the rollercoaster again. Now try and get the order right. Wrong, ride again. Wrong, ride again. Wrong ride again. Ahhh eff it, you guys are rubbish at this, um… you’re closest to being right so that means you’re in third place, now let’s get on with the rest of the challenge.

Okay, in order of how brilliant you are at remembering power tool posters, each team gets to choose a construction material to help build a sturdy ‘safe’ that looks good.

To test its strength, we’ll drop a chunk of concrete we found by the bumper boats onto your safe. To judge the aesthetics of your shitty wooden boxes, we’ve roped in an actual designer who gets actual money for her actual excellent design skills. This will not be a giant waste of her time or belittle her art form at all.

Then, if your head hasn’t already imploded like The Dylzs’ safe, you have to wrap it around the prize. A lot of money and a giant set of keys. Or a giant padlock. One means you can swap your house, the other means you can prevent your house from being swapped.

You see, if you don’t choose the keys they will go to the second place getter – from the plywood safe bit, not the power tool memory game bit – and…. oh god, I can’t even be bothered. Much like Sam and Emmett on the rollercoaster from hell.

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Don’t get me started on that muddy, mascot, archery, volley ball, balance beam, BMX, flag fiasco.

6) The Cars

Nothing fits heaps of construction material and bulky decor items from Freedom furniture in it like the trusty Honda Jazz! That’s why so many tradies drive them. Including The Dylsz, because who doesn’t like rubbing biceps with your bestie?

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7) That First-Week Realisation

I watched Wednesday’s episode delayed and, like a giant dork, I avoided the internet for two hours so that social media wouldn’t spill the result, only to find out in the last moments that the room reveals happen on a Sunday. Like they do every year.

Why do I forget this every season?

Why do I even watch this show?


The Block NZ airs Sunday 7pm and Mon-Wed at 7.30pm on TV3

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