Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Rachel’s Kitchen Nightmare, ghost boobs and Chris Warner via Skype.
1) Harry is the change you want to see in the world
Harry had a cracker of a week. He saved Rachel from a watery grave and, if that wasn’t exciting enough, was named captain of the Ferndale High debate team. Harry’s debate topic was ‘change is progress’, which is great news, as his whole life is a giant ferris wheel of personal growth.
The last time Harry rescued someone from the water they died (RIP Pixie), so the fact Rachel survived to spend the next few weeks alone and miserable in rehab is definitely progress. Gold stars all round, Hazza.
2) Curtis spells out ‘boobs’ on Leanne’s ouiji board
It’s funny, and you know it.
3) This frenzied pair of surgical pincers
I’ve no clue what the hell happened in this scene, because I was mesmerised by the horrific Edward Scissorhands action in the background. Those fancy medical pliers hacked into some poor bastard’s sinewy internal organs in the same over-zealous way I attack my hedges every winter. I’m no expert, but I imagine kidneys don’t grow back like camellias do.
Still, it looked fairly straight forward. I’ve got a pair of pliers in the garage, so all I need is a lighthearted YouTube tutorial on how to perform invasive open surgery and OMG, change really is progress.
4) Rachel dives in to a burning cesspit of filth, and later falls in the pool
Rachel tried to keep busy and sober this week, but it was a plan as useless as a giant box of Phyllovite. She cleaned the oven, was drugged by Glen, and played a disasterous solo game of backyard Go Home, Stay Home.
“Go home, Glen! Go home, Glen!” she slurred, just before she tried to hide in the Warner pool. Rookie mistake, Rach, you should always stick closer to base.
But we’ve more important things to worry about, like what the flaming hell Rachel cooks in her oven. Those paper towels tell the tale of some nasty goings on.
5) Curry Wednesday takes out another innocent victim
What was the terrifying phenomenon that possessed Boyd and caused him to writhe in pain and experience vivid nightmares? Was it House Ghost Melissa, or something more sinister, like a growing belief in homeopathic medicine?
Put your crystal balls away and extinguish your incense sticks, for the only demons inside Boyd tasted like Chicken Tikka Masala and were expelled crudely with a thunderous belch. Stay classy, Boyd.
6) Jack bakes his way to heartbreak
Mo was unimpressed at Jack’s lousy exam results. “What happened?” Mo demanded, conveniently forgetting that Jack’s mother is in prison, his brother was arrested, his sister died, and his father went out with a lying, murdering psychopath. Other than that, not much.
To make matters worse, Cam insisted he was only interested in women, even after Jack baked him a delicious birthday cake filled with unrequited longing and the bitter tears of a spurned lover. Mmm, cake.
7) Drew’s umbrella takes us all to new lows
It was ‘Forced Hilarity Night’ at The IV, and you know what that means: umbrella limbo, hot married pashing, and cocaine by the tiny bag load. Drew’s umbrella hasn’t seen such a wild time since that night in July, when it rained.
8) Chris is trapped both inside a screen and in another island, far far away
Bad news, we’re facing a power-couple drought. Harper and Drew are in America, Kylie and Cam broke up, and now Chris and Rachel are in couples rehab for two months. This seems an unbelievable amount of time to discuss why Chris leaves the toilet seat up and why Rachel insists on eating cake in bed, but whatever keeps the hot blue flames of Warner love alight is good with me.
Chris explained to Harry in very simple terms where he was going: “it’s a big plane, a small plane, and a car ride away, but it’s only the South Island,” he said. “You know, I thought the South Island was some sort of mythical underworld, the stuff of legends and Speights ads, but it turns out it’s a real place! Who knew?” Change is progress so, kia kaha Chris.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.