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Jane Yee on the Block: Bathroom week is a drain

It’s the most important room in the house! Jane Yee checks in on bathroom week on The Block NZ. Click here for last week’s installment.

“Is anyone getting that sinking feeling?” Mark ‘Rigor’ Richardson asked this week, smashing out another cracking pun in honour of bathroom week.

Me. I am. I’m getting that sinking feeling, and it’s only fecking week two.

Sunday night’s room reveal saw the return of judges Jason Bonham and Bernadette Morrison from the grave. The interior designer and real estate agent made their presence known with multiple flashbacks 2015’s Villa Wars (ft. all the black paint), and in the here and now they delivered the lowest and highest first week scores in The Block NZ history. Cripes, they mean business.

The Blokes pwned the other contestants taking the record win while The Twins were left floundering about in a puddle of loser. You may recall that in last week’s rankings I had those two teams in the exact opposite positions  – AKA I have no idea what I’m talking about and these power rankings are wildly inaccurate and should be completely ignored.

Immediately after Room Reveal, The Ings had the opportunity to swap houses after winning a giant game of Kerplunk earlier in the episode. High drama seems to be lacking this season and no houses changed hands meaning the Game Changer was a total waste of everyone’s time both onsite and in front of the telly. Writing a letter to the TV Guide in my head as I type.

Let’s move onto Week Two, the notoriously formidable Bathroom Week. As Mark keeps reminding us, this week is crucial and the most intense and you’ll never make it out alive. Many a contestant has died a lonely death beneath a mountain of ungrouted tiles, leaky waterproofing and shattered shower panes. So how did our teams fare in the lead up to being able to use flushing toilets? Read on for the rankings.

1. THE INGS

The Ings are at number one, purely by process of elimination. I have no clue what their bathroom will turn out like – something timber wall something – but I don’t love what everyone else is doing so I’m just taking a punt here.

I feel a bit sorry for The Ings to be honest. It seems the Lone Wolf of Justice had them in his sights this week, and that’s not a place you want to be. He’s been hiding their mattresses, getting cross at them for creating tripping hazards with Pita Pit smoothie cups and been a big old fusspot when it comes The Ings’ waterproofing. So what if the bathroom doesn’t hold water? Since when did a bit of leakage cause any trouble? Chill out Pete.

Even though Wolfie is on their backs, The Ings dgaf and are just basically having a sweet holiday in Auckland

Though the breakfast service leaves a lot to be desired.

2. THE TWINS

Sliding into number two are The Twins. Between the dying dog and the worst ever first week score, it hasn’t been a great start for Julia and Ali.

Still, they’re smashing every challenge that ever there was and stockpiling Freedom vouchers, kitchen appliances and curtains like there’s no tomorrow.

They’re also slapping marble around like it’s going out of fashion – and maybe it is, I’m sure the judges will let us know. At this point it looks like they’ve got large marble tiles on one wall, diamond marble tiles on their feature wall, and a marble countertop just to seal the deal.

Not sure what’s on the floor at this stage, apart from the goodwill of this tiler who The Twins managed to piss off despite their ever cheery disposition.

It’s worth noting The Twins are armed with a minus-two Game Changer prize after blitzing the competition at speed-winding toilet paper around themselves. For real, they could feasibly topple someone from a 10k room reveal win because they are more adept at spinning in circles attached to a roll of loo paper. Seems fair.

3. THE BLOKES

My first instinct was to put Andy and Nate in the top spot because they won last week and they’re shaping up to be rather endearing with their Heaps More Mr Nice Guy attitude. However, there are a few things working against them. There’s the casual sexism…

This inexplicable bum-slapping activity…

And also, mine eyes can’t deny the shit show that is their tiling, so I legit can’t see them winning this week. From what we’ve seen so far, The Blokes have taken the brief of ‘modern, minimal and warm’ and designed a bathroom that is dated, busy as all hell and cold as eff.

That said, last week the judges bloody loved their pink ceiling and overpowering (bedspoke) four-post bed, so what would I know?

4. THE BESTIES

If you could win The Block based on hair quantity and yoga skills alone, Stace and Yanita would have this thing all sewn up. Alas, slapping together a desirable house is the name of the game and The Besties haven’t quite figured that out yet.

For the second week in a row these girls insisted on installing a very-difficult-to-remove feature, creating a bloody headache for potential buyers. Last week it was a desk fixed not only to the wall, but also to the ceiling. This week they’ve opted to put a full-sized printed glass wall in their bathroom.

I reckon it’s a really good tell that your tradies think your idea sucks when you explain your grand plan and they look at you like this:

Part of me feels like the judges are going to be really into the glass thing, even though potential buyers will universally hate it and not be able to do a damn thing about it.

I have nothing else to add re The Besties’ performance this week, except that these tee shirts need to go in the skip asap. We get it, you’re mates as.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

MARK RICHARDSON IS FROM THE DARK AGES

Last year Mark Richardson’s head exploded when a team painted a girl’s room blue.

He’d only just managed to piece his brain back together when this year he was blindsided again. Putting together a boy’s room, The Twins opted for a two-tone effect on their walls, causing a great deal of confusion for Mark who mused “that colour says boy, but I don’t know if that [other] colour says boy”.

RIDICULOUS CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK

We were spoilt for choice when it came to dumb challenges this week. Digger Pool, Giant Kerplunk and Spinning Toilet Paper – it was like a hen’s night held at a school fair on steroids. The kicker was the world’s most convoluted challenge where teams had to send a member up a tower of boxes, guess the value of a household item, earn that value in points along with the right to remove a box with from beneath a competing team, “insure” an item of value from their own pile preventing it from being removed and adding the value of that item to their total. For the love of god, please fire the intern.

MISPRONUNCIATION OF THE WEEK

Andy very nearly won Mispronunciation of the Week by reprising last week’s gem that referred to The Blokes’ failed concrete countertop (RIP) as “quite a bedspoke piece.” But romping in for the win this week were the twins when they admitted they were “kind of resided to the fact” they weren’t going to finish their light feature in time for room reveal.

SAFETY ON THE BLOCK

The Wolf is a no-nonsense kind of guy when it comes to onsite safety. Pita Pit Smoothie cup on the floor? Call Worksafe immediately! This though? This is totally fine.

NEW LOOK CHALLENGE WAREHOUSE

Mark was fizzing about the “new look” Challenge Warehouse as the teams entered the space for the first time this season. Man, they really are shaking things up for 2017, and I for one can’t wait to see what’s next.


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