In honour of International Women’s Day, Tara Ward rounds up the best BFFs you can hang out with through the screen.
Not only are women taking over an entire day in the calendar, they’re taking over the bloody television too. Better living everyone, because TV keeps giving us brilliant and amazing women inspire us, make us snort laugh, and who can hunt down our enemies while simultaneously eating 24 identical cheese scones and decluttering our knicker drawers.
These women are my best friends, they just don’t know it yet. They’re the women we need in our daily lives, the sisters to help us weather whatever patriarchal shitstorm is raining down on us. The sooner science permits me to crawl into my screen and/or visit Auckland to stalk the TVNZ car park so I can swear BFF allegiance to them for all eternity, the better.
Sure, there are flaws in my plan, but save it for the comments. Let’s celebrate some of the best women in television today.
Kath, Kath and Kim
Chuck on your lycra leotard, snap on your bum bag and shake your fudoobadahs, because I’ve got one word to say: life is one long party with Kath Day-Knight.
Kath is a radiant vision of suburban gloriousness who shines brighter than the lights at Fountain Lakes Mall. She’s a sensual queen in touch with her deep chasms, a complex beast who knows a hunk of spunk when she sees one. Whether you think your husband’s having an affair with his dog or you’ve lost your libido after a nasty horse and carriage accident, I can feel it in my waters that Kath would give you the nylon tracksuit off her back, because that’s the kind of foxymoron she is.
Hilary Barry, current affairs legend
How do I love thee, Hilary Barry? Let me count the ways. I love the way you meet with world leaders and the way you take the piss out of the news. I love how you calmly guide the nation through a crisis, how you spit tacks over the gender pay gap, how you make dreams come true. Whatever the channel, the show, or time of day, Hilary Barry, I LOVE YOU.
If the Queen ever dies (unlikely), let’s put Hilary Barry’s image on every coin in the land. Forget another flag referendum, just chuck HB’s mug on there and watch us salute 24/7. There’s probably a long line of people wanting to be Hilary Barry’s BFF, and she’s so bloody lovely she probably tells everyone they’re her best friend and she’s not even lying. Don’t worry, HB, I know it’s me.
Eve Polastri, Killing Eve
Eve Polastri would travel to the ends of the earth for the people she loves, especially if you ever found yourself hunted down by a ruthless female assassin who thrives on psychological warfare. Eve ditched her boring MI5 desk job to chase Villanelle through Europe in TV’s tensest game of cat and mouse, and with season two of Killing Eve just around the corner (APRIL 8, CLEAR YOUR DIARIES), we’re about to see a lot more of the super sharp, super relatable Eve.
Madeleine Sami & Hayley Sproull, Great Kiwi Bake Off
While the world burns around us like a pot of dodgy dulce de leche, GKBO hosts Madeleine and Hayley are the perfect tonic to drizzle over our dry, cracked souls. Their all-singing, all-dancing hosting was a highlight of last year’s debut season of GKBO, the kindest reality franchise to ever hit the gingerbread water towers of our hearts.
When Sonali’s biscuit birdhouse of love hit the skids, Madeleine and Hayley’s encouraging words were the glue that held it together. When fate’s cruel hand sent it slopping into pieces, they wailed in solidarity. I love them more than I love Belgium Biscuits, and that’s a lot.
Dr Claire Fraser, Outlander
Our favourite time travelling feminist has performed brain surgery in her bedroom, used a herd of cattle to break her husband out of prison, was the only female in her class at medical school, and once pinched an orange from the Palace of Versailles. Sure, she might keep wanging on about “that time I lived in the 18th Century”, but being mates with Claire Fraser would never be dull.
Also, having a medical genius in your squad would be super helpful. Whenever I sneeze I assume it’s terminal, but Claire would rid any lurgy with litres of willowbark tea and some questionable acupressure to your eye sockets. Then she’d tell you about the time she was making sweet 18th century love to Jamie Fraser and Bonnie Prince Charlie fell through the ceiling because he’d been bitten by a French monkey. Ooh la la, indeed.
Rachel Zane, Suits
She’s a mother flipping Duchess, why wouldn’t you want to be mates?
Anne Hegerty, The Chase
The Governess is undoubtedly the best of all the Chasers. She’s calm under pressure, gallant in defeat, and recently kicked arse on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, where she spoke about her experiences of living with autism and downed fish eye smoothies like nobody’s business. Also, if Anne Hegerty joined your pub quiz team you’d definitely win the 1st prize meat pack, so winner winner sausage dinner.
Marie Kondo, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo
She’s changed the world and she’s sorting out our lives, one undie drawer at a time. I’m here for all the joy that a well organised closet sparks, because when you live in a broken biscuit birdhouse of love, you need all the help you can get.