Hoo roo everyone, and welcome to week one of the Celebrity Treasure Island 2021 power rankings.
Celebrity Treasure Island returns to our screens just when we need it the most, a welcome ray of reality TV sunshine beaming into our weary lockdown hearts. “We’re in for one hell of a ride,” CTI hosts Matt Chisholm and Bree Tomasel promised us, and like a 10 second hug from a team of legends, week one delivered exactly what we needed.
The season kicked off with three teams of 21 New Zealand celebrities assembling on a Northland beach, all fizzing to compete to win $100,000 for their chosen charity. The challenges are bonkers and the premise ridiculous, but I’ve never seen celebrities take anything so seriously. We had tears and laughter, dry spews and wet mattresses, hard fought victories and emotional goodbyes. There was also a poo cave, and from now on, no New Zealand reality show will be complete without one.
Welcome back, you gorgeous beast of a TV show. CTI is a delicious game of melons and mysteries, so let’s take a jaunty stroll down the power ranking beach of hopes and dreams.
For all you Treasure-heads out there, we are recapping every moment of CTI on our weekly reality TV podcast The Real Pod. Listen below and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast provider.
ELIMINATED: Casey Frank
Ex-Tall Black Casey was the first to be banished from the beach. He chucked melons into a bucket like a boss, but when it came to balancing letter blocks on a wobbly platform during the elimination challenge, Casey’s CTI world came crashing down around him. Gone too soon, melon man.
SELF ELIMINATED: Joe Naufahu
Joe had a blast on CTI, but decided to leave to be with his sick mum. He volunteered to take Kimberley Crossman’s place after she lost the elimination challenge, which meant Kim and her orange zinc could stay in the competition and Joe could be with the ones he loved. It was only day three, but these teams cried an ocean worth of tears as they waved Joe goodbye.
19) JJ Fong
Someone has to be last in this terrible ranking, but thankfully tradition has it that anyone who dry spews in week one is going to claw their way through the ranks to become the winner. I don’t make the rules, but I know JJ Fong is going to crush it next week, CRUSH IT I tell you.
18) Anna Simcic
The former Olympic swimmer was reluctantly picked as Honu’s first team captain, which means she gets to carry a big stick and make all the decisions. “Anyone could win this game,” Anna reckoned, but does everyone have a big stick to carry around? They do not, so you’ve got this, Anna Simcic.
17) Sir Buck Shelford
“If you don’t stick to the game plan, I’ll get right up ya,” Sir Buck declared, an inspiring quote that now replaces the “live laugh love” plaque on my wall. Buck’s the alpha male of Honu, the legend of all legends, and he’s here to play and win. He’s not here to talk about his feelings, Angela Bloomfield, and he’s definitely not here to have a lovely time.
16) Joe Daymond
Instagram star Joe signed up to CTI because a weatherman won it last year, and lookee here, this year The Spinoff forecast that Joe would be the next big thing in comedy. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
15) Tammy Davis
Having a lovely time. Nobody tell Buck.
14) Candy Lane
Love the Godmother singlet, love the fishing enthusiasm from dance guru Candy Lane. “FISHING! FISHING!” Candy shouted when Chiso revealed a prize of a basket full of tackle, and nobody has ever been happier to see such an impressive display of hooks and wire. Can you imagine Candy’s reaction when Team Repō actually won the challenge? Absolute scenes.
13) Johnny Tuivasa-Sheck
“It’s time to nut up or shut up,” Johnny reckoned, which is fighting talk and the second official entry into my book of Celebrity Treasure Island motivational sayings.
12) Jess Tyson
It’s only week one, but the Māori TV reporter told Matt Chisholm that she prefers sleeping on the beach to living in the city. Who can blame her? Cities don’t have poo caves…OR DO THEY?
11) Kimberley Crossman
Your honour, on behalf of all short people I object to Kimberley Crossman being subjected to an elimination challenge clearly designed by giants, and furthermore, ask why we haven’t seen more footage of Kimberley Crossman wearing Ugg boots at the beach. Write it in orange zinc, spell it out in avocado and wasabi, send me the answers on the back of an envelope. The people need the truth, and Kim’s Uggs need justice.
10) Huriana Manuel
Displayed a hidden talent for flinging random junk down a rope to claim victory in her team’s charity challenge, earning $5000 for Starship. Winning already.
9) Art Green
Old mate had a quiet week, but after Team Katipō used a special advantage to eliminate the Bach and his t-shirt from a reward challenge, Art was shook to his paleo core. “I cut off these t-shirt sleeves with a knife for nothing,” he told Bree Tomasel. RIP, sleeves everywhere.
8) Angela Bloomfield
It seems Angela isn’t everyone’s cup of tea at Honu, even though she found a random teabag lying in a sand dune near their camp. It was a sign from the CTI gods that Honu should share a cuppa, laugh like a drain and embrace Angela’s suggestion of creating a team chant, probably something like “Honu, Honu, we love you/Honu, Honu, see you in the poo (cave)”.
It’s a work in progress, much like the ex-Shortland Street star’s relationship with her teammates. Angela’s determined to win them over, and I reckon it won’t be long until we see the team hugging it out in the sand dunes, chanting to the teabags and laughing about the time poor old Rachel McKenna got nits.
7) Lana Searle
The Jokers captain enjoys a laugh, but she also knows when to be serious. For example, as a Northland local, Lana keeps expecting to see her dad on the beach, which is both funny and serious. What if he’s hiding in the poo cave? Legitimate question.
6) Lance Savali
Lance handled the pressure of choosing which contestants would go up for elimination like the cool celebrity he is, miming the word “mime” in a challenge and throwing rocks into the sea like they were a discus, just because he could. Is Lance too cool for this competition? Yes. Is he having a great time? Also yes.
5) Tegan Yorwarth
Tegan has her CTI priorities in order. “We’ve got a little cave to poo in,” the Mai FM announcer declared on arrival at Repō camp, a beautiful beach with a perfectly formed defecation grotto at one end. No matter what happens to Tegan during CTI, we’ll always have the poo cave.
4) Edna Swart
A keen strategist and fierce competitor, Edna’s finest moment this week was accidentally swallowing a bug on camera while talking about how resilient CTI has made her. Delicious.
3) Chris Parker
Comedian Chris Parker is a true delight, and lands at #3 mostly on his hat game. His variety of headwear is a treat for the eyes, and his commitment to being sunsmart is commendable. No hat, no play, and these hats might just be Chris Parker’s secret weapon. In fact, if Chris Parker’s hats and Art Green’s ripped off sleeves fought it out to the death, it’s obvious who would win and who would be left crying into the holes where his purple armpits used to be.
2) Richie Barnett
The former Kiwi league player now works as a life coach, and showed an astute understanding of Honu team dynamics. He was also good at putting a ball on a stick, which is really what we’re here for. One to watch, especially around balls and sticks.
1) Brynley Stent
Brynley bloody smashed it this week, leading Katipō to their first team win with her superior puzzle solving skills, then bluffing her way to winning $5,000 in the charity challenge, and later taking out the tense elimination challenge that sent Casey home. This early success means Brynley has a target on her back, so while she is the puzzle queen, nobody can know she is the puzzle queen. I cannot stress this enough: do not call her “puzzle queen”.
You can watch Celebrity Treasure Island at 7.30pm on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, or here on TVNZ OnDemand
Subscribe to Rec Room a weekly newsletter delivering The Spinoff’s latest videos, podcasts and other recommendations straight to your inbox.