TelevisionMarch 9, 2016

The Bachelor NZ Group Think, Week One: Veins, girl gangs and the truth about wakeboarding


After week one on The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country* assemble to talk about the big issues including Jordan’s expressive forehead vein and the mystery ingredients of bliss balls. 

Claire Adamson on the truth about Danielle


Anny Ma on the Bachelor vein
Jordan is a Classic Cantab Bloke, and despite his lengthy IMDB filmography, it’s obvious that the stress of being in the big smoke is getting to him. Jordan’s not the type of lad to talk about his feelings, but he’s also not the type of lad to be able to hide his feelings – especially when they manifest themselves as a giant throbbing vein on his forehead.


It started out dormant in episode one, but made it’s very strong debut in episode two, and now I can’t un-see it. I’m finding myself barely interested in this cast, but the vein has got me hooked. As tense situations arise I look to the vein for guidance and reassurance, and react accordingly.


The equivalent of a Tay Swift girl squad has been eliminated already, and as numbers further dwindle and true love connections are made with these gals, I fear for the vein and its safety/self-containment. Given its current prominence, we can only pray that Jordan has learned to meditate and can contain the vein.

José Barbosa watches The Bachelor for the VERY first time

Renee Church on a fetching game of volleyball

The “group date” went swimmingly, apparently, with Jordz inviting more than half the girls to play a friendly game of volleyball. This was a personal highlight for me. It meant he left four girls out to do a loop of what looked like the front lawn area on Shortland Street. The unlucky ladies strolled around, talking smack about their fellow Bachelorettes.

All the while, we kept cutting back to the volleyball game which looked way, way more fun.


Zoe Scheltema on the perils of wakeboarding

Look, we all love to give things a go to impress the guy we’re dating – but there are some things that should be saved for a moment in the relationship where you have known each other longer than two and a half days. I don’t care how adventurous you may be, making someone go wakeboarding for the first time on TV is a bloody tall order.

Let me tell you about the first and last time I went wakeboarding. It was New Year’s Eve, we were in some sort of harbour, I had no idea what I was doing, and everything I was wearing was making a very gallant attempt at leaving my body. Trying to stand up on that thing is the absolute epitome of ‘easier said than done’. I fell flat on my face twenty times and nearly drowned at least double that. I am lucky to be alive, and so is Sarah.

All I’m saying is, he could have fallen over just once to make the poor girl feel better.

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Angella Dravid on the awkward carpool

I think what surprised me most in this season’s The Bachelor was realising the women were carpooling to the mansion. Can you imagine the conversation en route? Then at the end of the trip, being witness to your carpool’s meet and greet with Jordan?

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I feel kinda bad for the driver. He’s now stuck with a Bachelorette who’s scrutinising another Bachelorette’s meet and greet.

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And finally – Jordan’s smug smile is a bit like Chris Harrison, America’s host of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette. Don’t believe me?

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Alice Brine reviews the first ten minutes of The Bachelor

I’m 10 minutes deep into watching The Bachelor NZ and so far the bliss balls girl has been the biggest fail. I can’t believe she gave him a jar of bliss balls. I feel very strongly against bliss balls so that threw me off right away. She gets out of the limo and hands this random guy a jar of bliss balls.

She lists off the ingredients too. Not that there are any, because bliss balls have literally had every ingredient removed. She’s like,‘they’re gluten free, sugar free, vegan, wheat free, fat free, dairy free.’ but the best bit was when she said that the recipe was written on the back of the jar. I paused it and managed to make out what the recipe said:

Recipe for The Bachelor’s Bliss Balls (p.s give me a rose lol jk)

1) Take a bunch of old toilet rolls from an old abandoned house and put them in a blender with some chia seeds and almond oil.
2) Let the mixture set overnight
3) Don’t go to sleep, just stare at the mixture all night. Once the sun comes up, scoop them off into small balls and put them on a tray.
4) Take the entire tray and throw it in the trash.
5) Go to your room, cry into your pillow, and think about who you’ve become.

Then there was the Keri juice girl who gave him a juice so he could remember her name. I imagined myself doing that. Strutting out of the limo, wearing one of my signature striped body-cons.”Hi I’m Alice Brine, here’s a can of tuna soaked in brine that you can remember me by.”

I like the American doctor lady. Although she said she was from Maryland so I immediately thought of Serial and wondered if she had possibly been involved with the disappearance of Hae Min Lee. I hoped that he’d ask her if she had any association with Adnan Syed, or if she’d seen a vehicle driving away from a Best Buy on the evening of Jan 13th 1999. Maybe he’ll ask her later.

Overall I’m enjoying the first 10 minutes of the show. There is just one thing I can’t get passed though. The Bachelor‘s voice sounds 100% like John Key’s voice! Honestly watch it with your eyes closed it is so extremely disturbing.

I’m going to watch this again next week.

Our Bachelor coverage is brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:


Mad Chapman, Editor
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