Our resident Outlander fanatic Tara Ward shares her thoughts from the much-anticipated return of time-travel romance series. Contains spoilers. And smoulders.
Episode five was titled ‘Untimely Ressurection’ or ‘Claire Screws Everyone Over To Suit Herself’. Like a runaway steamroller bedecked in beautiful botanical silks, Claire rampaged her way through the cobbled Parisian streets and pummeled anyone in her path who threatened her plans to change the future/wear another fabulous frock.
Claire crushed Mary and Alex’s secret relationship, trashed her way through Versailles (aka Kim and Kanye), and squashed Jamie’s hopes of a proper man-fight with swords. She broke hearts and dreams and made Jamie cry tragic man-tears, all to save her husband who won’t exist for another two centuries.
I’m confused. Jamie and Claire are confused. Murtagh is definitely confused. Are they changing the future to avoid Culloden, or not changing the future to save Frank? No wonder everyone’s so grumpy. Change is hard, and so is thinking. My brain hurts, so let’s get right to it.
1) Being called a witch is not always a bad thing
There’s a multitude of things that can only be explained by witchcraft. Folding a fitted sheet, reversing a trailer, or slicing an onion without crying are strange, mythical tasks that few of us will accomplish, no matter how many times we YouTube the crap out of it.
Sorcery is sometimes the only logical explanation, and if being a witch means you have dry cheeks and a tidy linen closet then more power to you, Claz. Put it on your CV right between ‘life experience: nearly burned at the stake’ and ‘hobbies: time travel’.
2) Who is ‘Just Vengeance’ and what does he have to do with anything?
Murtagh is weighed down with shame and remorse over his failure to protect Claire and Mary during last week’s attack. Even his beard looks miserable. “I will lay just vengeance at your feet, or be damned” he tells Jamie, with so much stoicism that he practically turned to stone. Rock on, Murtagh.
3) Update on Mary’s lace status: 73% full coverage, arms 100% swallowed up
4) Jamie thinks really, really hard.
Slow down, tiger, you’ll do yourself an injury.
5) Claire’s witch powers mean she can also turn a fitted sheet into a magnificient cape
6) Claire’s all for true love, as long as it’s her own
“You have to think what’s best for Mary,” Claire tells Alex, shattering his Vitamin D deprived heart into a million pieces.
What Claire really means is, “screw Mary. It’s about me and Kilty McHotpants, and also my other husband Frank, who works a pair of suspenders like you wouldn’t believe. Actually, screw them too. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME.”
Way to crush love’s young dream, you heartless, sheet-folding witch.
7) This isn’t what Claire meant when she said ‘spoon me’
Oh, Jamie. Religious spoons as a present for your pregnant and therefore emotionally unpredictable wife? No, no, no. Sure, they’re a family heirloom, but so are receding hairlines and widow’s humps.
No wonder Jenny was thrilled to send them over. She’s glad to see the back of them because she’s up to chapter four of that Clean Out Your Shit bestseller, and those freaky spoons do not spark joy.
Jamie needs to sort his shit out if he intends on getting Claire a push present, and it better rhyme with ‘riamond ping’.
8) Jamie tries to work out what rhymes with ‘riamond ping’
9) Where’s Wally in Versailles? (clue: he’s standing next to Just Vengeance)
10) Things I never thought I’d hear Jamie say: “we’re due at the royal stables”
First the spoons, now this. What the hell’s happening to the big fella?
11) “You’ve turned Jamie into a man” – the ex-girlfriend burn that’s actually a compliment
Once upon a time in an old tavern filled with grimy animal skins – long before life became about sheet folding and spoon giving – Claire made a man out of Jamie. Take that, saucy ex-girlfriend whose necklace is made from Christmas tinsel.
Oh, you mean he’s older and wiser and less of an idiot? Sure, she helped with that too.
12) Boom. We found Wally
13) This is not awkward at all
Where is a herd of hairy coos when you need them? Even Murtagh riding past on a tiny French donkey would do.
Poor Claire’s hat flaps like a pikelet in a gale. Is she struggling to contain her angry chin from sucker-punching Jack Randall right in the French bits, or just trying not to snort-laugh at the King’s flamboyant ‘part-time croupier at Sky City’ hand gestures? Hard to tell.
14) Jamie realises that ‘Frank showed me his family tree’ is not a kinky 20th century euphemism
Look out, kids – Mum’s back from the Bastille, and there’ll be no dueling until you put your toys away and listen. If Jamie kills Black Jack, then Frank won’t exist. And if Frank doesn’t exist, Claire won’t go back in time, and we’d all miss out on this enjoyable existence of lies and misery.
Without Jamie, Claire would only have three dresses to wear AND NO VASE. Without Claire, Jamie would end up on the riverbank pashing Laoghaire or skinny dipping with Angus and Rupert.
The woman has a point, J-Dog. Put your weapon away.
15) If only Claire would stop banging on about ‘The Future’
You’re a broken record, Beauchamp.
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