As we reeled from last week’s messy memories of the disastrous shit river in Chlo and Em’s house, a new Block NZ poonami threatened to wash us all away in a wave of shock and scandal.
Inflate your water wings, this one’s a doozy.
Amy and Stu nearly pulled off the perfect crime this week, by hiding Dave the Electrician in a secret alcove of sin after the official ‘Tools Down’ work deadline. While the Wolf’s back was turned, Dave the Electrician continued to do stuff with wires for at least nineteen minutes. Nineteen minutes! Somebody hypnotise me and turn me into a bench to stand on, because it was, literally, quite shocking.
It was a scheme so cunning I’m amazed the fresh plaster didn’t fall off the walls. But what is life without risk? It is a pitch-black landing/study space/lounge area, that’s what. Amy and Stu were one light fitting away from victory. A fourth consecutive room win lay within their dusty grasp, a record-breaking triumph that would shower them in glory much like Chlo and Em’s floor was showered in shit.
Alas, the road to Hobsonville Point is paved with good intentions, and Amy and Stu forgot they were on television. They forgot about the microphones, the cameras, the producers watching their every move. It was left to Mark Richardson to unleash the evidence and unblock the truth pipe, and the pungent stench of Amy and Stu’s deceit spilled out all over The Block NZ.
Hobsonville Point’s not angry, it’s disappointed. Let’s emerge from our secret cupboard of shame to relive the velvety highs and the fraudulent lows of Week 5 on The Block NZ, which also featured two child’s playhouses, barbeques for everyone, and a special 250thepisode pretend dinner party at Freedom. Come for the scandal, stay for Mark Richardson’s quality toilet content.
1) Chlo and Em
First question: if you’re twerking in front of a McCafe caravan beside an unidentified Block staffer, does that twerk even make a sound?
Bless Chlo and Em, for they are islands in the (shit) stream. One minute they’re telling their builder to “drop that pinny down low”, the next they’re wondering what an encyclopedia is. I can’t get my elderly head around either of those concepts, but who am I to question these gems in The Block NZ crown?
Sure, they argued over who took the biggest dump in their blocked toilet, but give me a reality TV duo that hasn’t had that classic yarn and I will give you a thousand McCafe salad wraps.
2) Claire and Agni
What a giant mirror and a glass floor has joined together, let no hair hat put asunder. The renovation phoenix finally rose from the Desert Chic ashes this week, as Claire and Agni scored 14.5 to claim victory for their luxurious media space/bedroom/study area. The win opened Agni’s design floodgates, Claire was so happy she moonwalked around the formal lounge, and I’m terrified we might never see Agni in a Where’s Wally costume ever again.
3) Ben and Tom
Listen, if Jason was scoring these two on their shirt collection it would be tens all day, every day.
Sadly, Jason scored Ben and Tom on boring stuff like painting and flooring and glass balustrades. He called their landing area a “disaster” and compared it to “a bad, cheap coffin in the middle of the London plague”. I can’t keep up because I thought plywood was cool again, and since when have coffins not been in vogue?
Please, more of Ben and Tom’s shark shirt collection and less of the plague, and if all else fails let’s just chuck a taxidermy duck on a shelf and hope for the best.
4) Amy and Stu
Regrets, Amy and Stu have a few. They lied, they were fined a shitload of cash, and they’re probably kicking themselves for not hiding a builder and a plasterer in the cupboard while they had the chance. Still, they’ve seen the error of their ways and surely, it’s all toilet water under the bridge now.
Also: the duck knows everything.
