Alex Casey power ranks the second week of Married at First Sight NZ, where the glow has worn off and the rot has set in.
Rip up your veil, feed the bride’s bouquet to the nearest giraffe and cast the cursed wedding rings deep into the nearest creek: true love is dead. Week one led us down the dainty garden path of romance, following a breadcrumb trail of happiness and hope. In week two, we found out the path led us straight off a cliff and down into this haunted gully, where Ben was desperately trying to retreat into his own neck to get out of a smooch with Aaron.
With all the weddings done, we’ve officially moved into the honeymoon phase. Popular culture would have me believe this was going to be all sun-soaked hammocks and erotic knickers made out of candy. We saw very little of this (although Dom and Claire one hundo percent own edible knickerbockers) and more driving fights, sustained sobbing and awkward silences. Here’s how our couples are doing now that the rose tinted glasses are off and the rosé has run dry.
#1 Claire & Dom
Quote of the week: “I’m not… revolted… by you” – Claire
Has any couple on Planet Earth ever been as conflictingly horned-up than Dom & Claire? Their honeymoon to Eagle Ridge country estate was met with Claire salaciously promising to “christen every bed and spa bath in the house” despite also beginning to loathe Monsieur Fluffy with every fibre of her being. I wonder if he knows about the raunchy recaps she’s giving us?
After a bit of kayaking and a couple of playful splashes of yummy giardia water, they settled into a glass of bubbles under a romantic gazebo. Now, I don’t know the normal amount of time that should pass in a relationship before you have your first gazebo-based argument, but I’m certain it should be longer than four days.
According to Claire, Dom was purposefully winding her up with his slow driving and his incessant talking. He claims he is “trying to be a better boy”, which was enough to get them from shrieking at each other in the car to doing a sexed-up ‘Catdog’ in the tub in a matter of minutes. God bless this mess.
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#2 Luke & Lacey
Quote of the week: “Cheers to being hot” – Luke
Very kind of Luke to pull up a pew and let his new wife sit on the floor of their honeymoon pad in Rotorua. At least she can see the sea, which is actually more of a lake but still fulfils Luke’s yearning to be humbled by a whole lot of water 24/7. Also: some very strong hats and general looks from Luke this episode.
The pair are ‘avin a laugh all day everyday, but Lacey seems to think Luke is more of a friend. The red velvet rope to the friend zone is wide open, people, and the bouncers are offering free drinks till 8. “It’s on the upwards way,” reckons Luke, stepping up to the plate after a terrified Lacey was brought to tears by a scary sleeping bag swing.
Just when things were looking up, a beanie-based bombshell dropped in the final moments in a scene equally as terrifying as The Blair Witch Project. Apparently, a bridesmaid (that you, Skye?) told Lacey something about Luke that has changed everything. Will spend the next week afraid to open my eyes, and afraid to close them.
#3 Ben & Aaron
Quote of the week: “People say looks aren’t everything but… they are everything” –
Ben a member of Ben’s ‘Pretty Committee’
The tension at Ben and Aaron’s wedding was palpable. You could cut the air with a knife. I felt like I was in the room, because…. I was in the room. And I never did get my knife back.
Yes, that’s right, I am the ghost of TV weddings past and I am here to say that attending this one was even more excruciating than it seemed. I don’t care if the sun was in his eyes or not, Ben couldn’t manage to look sweet Aaron in the eye or even pretend for one moment that he was pleased to see him.
Sweet Aaron of the ambulance, sweet Aaron of the cargo pants, sweet Aaron of the Garden City. His new husband Ben wanted someone taller than 6ft with a nice smile, washboard abs, buns of steel, hair of wheat and skin of gold leaf, and was having none of the kindhearted cargo pant fan. “They’ve got this wrong,” he said, having a full tanty in the toilets.
Things escalated further when Ben broke down during his new father-in-law’s speech, as it dawned on him that his parents weren’t there for his
awful special day. Aaron’s sweetheart parents saved the day and dried his tears. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of their family?! Here’s hoping Ben learns the error of his ways, because Aaron hasn’t taken all this time off work to find himself back in the wah-mbulance.
And always remember: never invite me to your TV wedding unless you want it all to fall apart soon after. Am cursed like that.
#4 Bel & Haydn
Quote of the week: “We’re not running… yet” – Bel
Look, it’s a classic tale of wrestler meets reality TV star and if you don’t think that’s a match made in heaven, well, you probably aren’t one of the two professionals who forced them to get legally married on television. Things were looking positive for Bel and Haydn’s union: her dad did a sick viagra gag, her mermaid hair remained in a gravity-defying ‘do throughout, and there were multiple S3 Bachelorettes back for another round of intruding.
But, just like Karina and Zac, Sarah and Zac, and Bel and Zac, things were not to last. It began during the meal. Bel revealed herself to be devout vegetarian and Haydn’s mum revealed that he “loves his meat”. Bel revealed herself to be anti-violence, and Haydn revealed himself to be a wrestler who could probably break Dominic Bowden’s neck with his pinky. He also had this weird interaction with Bel’s dad, which means either one or both of them is dead now:
And even after all that, ’twas the honeymoon where the shit firmly took up residency at the fan. As Bel unceremoniously dumped the romantic heart-shaped rose petals onto the floor, it was clear not even an artfully-twisted towel shaped like a swan could save them. He wore his shoes on the bed, and then made fun of Bel who became rightfully terrified during their fun-loving ‘scale the outside of a sports arena for some reason’ date.
Things ended in tears, with Haydn wrestling himself into a taxi and heading back to New Zealand. Call me John Cena, because I “can’t see” this relationship lasting much longer.
Pizza for breakfast
We didn’t see much of Andrew and Vicky this week, but full credit to the boys for rocking a hearty prosciutto pizza for breakfast.
Angel and Brett <3
Aka Pani and Tony’s Angels aka maybe the only beacon of light we have left in this cruel, hard world.
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