Alex Casey power ranks the final week of Married at First Sight NZ, including eyebrow lady advice and the much-anticipated vow renewal ceremonies.
Allow me to tentatively approach the rotunda of romance one more time, for I need to solemnly deliver my final vows to Married at First Sight NZ in this, its last week on television. You may think that some of the following metaphors and clichés have been copied, word for word, from Married at First Sight NZ contestants, but I couldn’t possibly comment on that.
Married at First Sight NZ, to say this journey has been easy would be the understatement of the year. When I first signed up for this experiment, I had no idea what the next six weeks would have in store. What followed has been a pressure cooker experience full of brick walls and speed bumps, which is weird because I didn’t know either of those things could fit inside a pressure cooker.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. When I first met you, you filled me with joy and hope and possibility. I committed myself to the idea that you were “completely charming,” I swore I would see our relationship out to the end of the experiment – and not just because I was contractually obligated to. We’ve had fun, we’ve soared on rainbows and we’ve jumped over hurdles, but it is here, in my last power rankings, that I must end our relationship. Amen.
Anywho, here be the power rankings, ft. some very expert analysis of the couple’s FINAL therapy sessions.
#1 BRETT & ANGEL
The only reason I am happy to farewell Brett & Angel is because I will never have to hear the phrase “bush bath” again. Beyond that, I’ll miss it all. I’ll miss the breakfast ping pong, I’ll miss the ginormous smiles, I’ll miss Brett weirdly sitting on this floating truck, miles and miles away on what scientists would describe as Cloud Nine and/or a Drake album.
In the final week, things started to get tense for the first time in both of Brangelina’s lives. Brett snapped at Angel for calling him “babes”, growled when she sped too fast on the beach and awakened a deep fear in my soul that maybe all love is dead after all.
Alas, it was all for the TV and the pair gushed to one another at their vow renewal ceremony, all open-mouth kisses and talk of a French bulldog. Rest assured, if anything bad happens to these two I will never, ever smile again. Adopt me, Brett and Angel, paint me forever like one of your future French bulldogs
Final therapy session:
It’s simply true love, proudly brought to you by Woodpecker signs.
#2 VICKY & ANDREW
Amazing that it took us until the final week for the reveal that Andrew has a huge, weird tattoo.
The pair were allegedly getting along like peas and carrots, also known as tolerating each other while trapped inside this lukewarm BP sausage roll we call television. And everyone knows, the only way to make peas and carrots nicer is to get them sopping wet, which is why they hit the white water rapids for one last date.
Andy loved seeing Vicky get “pummeled” by the water, Vicky hated the fact that her eyelashes were getting wet because she had just got them done. “I wish we’d done more fun shit,” Andrew said wistfully later. All he wanted was a best mate, someone to chase and laugh with and cook dinner and spoon. Someone like… Mr Pigglesworth??
If you thought that was chilling, gird your loins for how HIGH UP ON THE WALL THIS FREAKING WEDDING PHOTO IS HUNG WTF????
For the renewal vows, Vicky donned the topaz one last time to purify the air of both Neil’s bottom toxins and her relationship with Andrew. “I have grown richer for meeting you,” said Andrew. “You did such a good job,” said Vicky, patting him on the back before the skies opened up and it started to rain peas and carrots.
Final therapy session:
I’m not expert, but maybe don’t ask the guy who openly admitted to wanking over some photos about intimate matters?
#3 BEN & AARON
Contrary to popular belief, Ben’s favourite activity is wine and not whine. They headed to Waiheke this week, Ben’s favourite place in the entire country, for one last chance for Ben to tell Aaron how ugly he is.
“Our opposite taste in wine is like our opposite taste in everything,” says Ben, swilling a lovely Pinot that he earlier described as “blackcurrant” in personality, arguably the most relatable thing he’s ever done. With not a shred of hope left, and clearly no real experts to turn to, they resorted to seeking advice from any old wine taster and / or eyebrow lady.
Despite Aaron willing to put his whole life on hold, change his face and name and learn 17 new languages for his achingly cosmopolitan husband, there was no real hope that their vows were going to be renewed by both parties. Ben doesn’t want to sit around waiting for Aaron to finish essays, wasting his precious hot years before he turns 30.
As if we weren’t in enough pain, Ben then had to drive a stake right into the bleeding, beating heart of the nation. “There’s nothing new, there’s nothing exciting, there’s nothing interesting,” he said, clearly making a pitch for New Zealander of the Year.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but is James Cameron making the next 476 Avatar films here not exciting?
Aaron’s mum had some stellar advice that I want to get embroidered onto a cushion. “To be loved and to love is to make you feel like a better person.” And my advice for her is: someone grab the topaz necklace stat because there is a fucking haunted Babadook behind you:
When it came to vow time, Aaron confessed he wanted to make it work and Ben confessed to being a “babe dot com” and that Aaron’s repulsive appearance has “followed him around like a black dog.” The moment he confirmed that he would not be moving forward with the relationship, the heavens opened and God himself wept tears of joy.
The one thing Ben has learned from this experiment where you MARRY A STRANGER is that he WANTS TO BE SINGLE, which is about the most Ben thing that Ben has ever Benned.
Final therapy session
The only thing Ben regrets is that he drank too much wine. Might I suggest some blackcurrant juice next time?
#4 BEL & HAYDN
There’s perhaps no better symbol for their relationship than Bel, teary-eyed in the therapist’s room, and Haydn, live on Skype from his secret bunker in London. Long live this new Genetic Pitbull, brought to you by half a pint of lager and a packet of crisps.
#5 CLAIRE & DOM
Who are these people?! Why does Claire hate Mr Fluffy so much?! Those texts must have been really, really bad to kill the giant mutual boner that our two silver foxes once shared. Ah well, best of luck trying to avoid each other in Palmerston North!
#6 LUKE & LACEY
Finally, a reminder that perhaps no two people were worse-suited to each other than Luke and Lacey. Luke maintained that he was enjoying having fun on their honeymoon, and Lacey maintained that fun wasn’t important, and that serious analysis was the foundation of every successful relationship.
When the experts took Luke’s side, Lacey stood up and stomped to the toilets, Loo Mafioso Vicky in tow. When Pani grilled her about the Bravo hosting gig, Lacey shot up out of her seat and stormed away.
On that note, I think I’ll throw a Lacey myself, stride out of here and take a breather before my next big TV gig. Thnks fr the mmrs MAFSNZ. Don’t call me for a while.
of the Spinoff’s first book!Find Out More
Take a peek behind the curtains of romance reality TV by clicking below to watch UnREAL, exclusively on Lightbox:
This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed, free daily curated digest of all the most important stories from around New Zealand delivered directly to your inbox each morning.