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The Bachelor NZ Group Think, Week Two: Is The Bachelor secretly a massive wine nerd?

After week two on The Bachelor NZ, some of the greatest minds in the country* assemble to talk about the big issues including the official drink of the show, Jordan’s dessert flirt and Lindsey’s paintball massacre. 

Anny Ma on the holey necklace

Who would’ve thought that after watching a reality show about some Kiwi lasses finding love, I’d be the one to have her heart broken? I knew there’d be casualties along the way, but I really never thought it’d be me… Then Metz left –  leaving a shocked Jordan, offended Bachelorettes, and a sad Anny in her wake. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or, in my case, more observant.
This week I observed astutely during the brunette girl and Jordan’s awkward museum date. All was going well with the matching monochromatic pair until Jordan lead her to a black plinth with a Michael Hill necklace and a bunch of fairy lights on it. Not very artful, just some colour-scheme matching product placement. Shari gets very excited about this, meanwhile I’m sitting here very uncomfortably because nobody has seemed to notice that there’s actually a giant hole in this diamond necklace?

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Like the Greeks, Jordan notices far too late and by then it’s already around her neck and he can’t take it back.

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Perhaps this is all part of an elaborate plan to later fill the hole with a rose? That is what they did with the bundt cake after all.

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Claire Adamson on the wine budget

After careful examination (using the pause button, my squinty eyes, and a life of wine nerdery) I have determined that Jordan’s tipple of choice for the season is Cloudy Bay Pelorus, a wine that clocks in at around $30 a bottle. This is a far cry from last season’s ever-present Lindauer, a wine we are all well aware can be had for $10 on special at Countdown.

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I have some questions about this: Is Jordan a wine nerd? Is he going to embarrassingly explain something that’s definitely wrong about wine to one of the girls? When that happens, am I going to embarrassingly explain why that’s definitely wrong to my flatmates? Is Pelorus not paleo enough for Art? What if I melt butter and coconut oil in it like you do in a paleo coffee? Can someone please explain how that’s paleo? Did cavemen melt butter and coconut oil into their wine? Did all of last season’s booze budget go on furnishing Art with espresso martinis instead? Is that sexist? Is that even paleo?

Answers can be sent to Claire Adamson c/o The Spinoff.

Hamish Parkinson on more dessert-based flirting option

Bloody kudos to Jordan for going for the classic ‘shoving romantic chocolate mousse right up the snozz’ gag. It let’s the ladies know that you’re a fun guy whose always up for a bloody good laugh. Nothing puts a cherry on the top of any date like sugared creme and chocolate as you dive in for a cheeky wee pash. But why stop there? Keep the bloody lols and hot kisses going with these gags that will certainly get the gals chomping at the bits for you sweet lips.

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Pie in the Face

Just yell “Hey, you’ve got a little something on your face baby doll.” When that gullible gal inquires as to where, face red with embarrassment, yell “RIGHT THERE YA NIT.” Shove a cream pie right in their face and get ready for a steamy make out sesh, ya bloody loon.

What’s Behind Your Ear

Classic trick that delights children and hotties alike. Light some loins on fire by asking “what’s behind you ear?” Then surprise them by bringing out a cream pie from behind their ear and slam it riiiiiiight in their face. Get ready for the bloody pash of your life mate. Sweet as.

Pull My Finger

Ask them to pull ya bloody finger like a champ. When they reluctantly agree, surprise them by doing zero farts. When they look delightfully relieved, pull out a cream pie from below your bottom and shove it right in their face. Ho boy, strap ya self in, ‘cos you’re about to be rocketed to Planet Pash.

Alice Brine’s ten thoughts from episode four 

1) It seems that Adnan Syed’s BFF, the American doctor, is still in the show. I thought she’d been given the cut. She’s from Maryland and I strongly believe that she is responsible for the 1999 murder of Hae Min Lee, a story made famous in the Serial podcast. I’ll be interested to see how she handles herself during paintball. Natural as f*ck holding that RAP4 T68, most likely.

2) The chick from Pram (CFP) gets taken on a date to the Auckland Art Gallery. How gutted would you be? Art Green does not make an appearance. The opportunity for a real life pun was wildly overlooked there.

3) CFP says “Oh wow so you’re quite arty then?”

4) Yes! Why is nobody talking about this!? He’s full on arty. Always-in-between jobs kinda arty! Pretty sure the last contract he was on involved him driving to K-Mart at 10 PM to buy Toni Collette a different hand sanitizer because the fragrance of her current one upset her nostrils while filming. So yeah bub, he’s kinda arty.

5) CFP gets a necklace. It’s average as. Not a bad resale value but let’s be honest, it looks like he got it on sale at Klark’s.

6) Coming back from the art gallery got the producers like “Whoever makes the biggest bullshit fuss over her crap necklace gets an extra chia seed pudding after dinner.”

7) Paintball happens and Maryland is suspiciously good. She says “I’m not sure who it is… But I just start firing.”- classic American remembering what God given freedom feels like. She’s legit shooting everybody up in this piece. It’s awkward for everyone participating in the game. Not awkward for me though, I already know what she’s capable of.

8) After the paintball game the dude takes one of the blonde ones to a butterfly cage. Just incase you forgot, the women are still weak and soft and vulnerable. The producers need you to know that. They have some real average banter about how they want to travel but only to see Route 66. 

9) They have the ‘cocktail parties’ before the rose giving out bit and there’s never an actual cocktail in sight. Stop calling it a cocktail party. It’s a goddamn sparkling wine party and that’s all it will ever be!

10) Rose giving out bit rolls around. No surprises. “Sorry Maryland, you’re going home, back to the Best Buy car park.” I was listening carefully as she walked off and she literally answered a phone call on speaker that said “This is a collect call from Adnan Sayed, an inmate in the Maryland Correctional System.”


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