A huge day for reality television and digital communications of emotion in New Zealand.
Hold the phone, hold your loved ones, hold Mike Puru – there are emojis for The Bachelor New Zealand now. The Bachelor NZ launched their BachMoji app for both iOS and Android this morning, rattling the emoji community harder than when they brought that weirdly-shaped peach into the mix. I can tell you this for free right now: Kim Kardashian has NOTHING on a tiny portable Dominic Bowden face that you can send to your friends and whānau to communicate a wide range of complex emotions from *long pause* to *remembering Squirt*.
There are SO MANY Bachmojis, including iconic symbols from the show as well as more obscure hints at what romantic riots are to come. Also, they are pretty much photorealistic in quality. It’s like looking into a mirror, if your name was Zac Franich and you were smiling a lot whilst holding a rose.
The Bachelorettes also get the full treatment, so prepare for power rankings told entirely through the art of the emoji. Who needs words anymore? Not me!
Anyway, I picked my favourites and ranked them in ascending (descending?) order, staring deep into the soul of each emoji to see what might lie beneath the pixel-y surface for season three. Please god, stay till number one. I don’t even care if you don’t read it JUST PLEASE GOD LOOK AT NUMBER ONE.
20) The eggplant
Rude? He’ll show you rude.
Halfway through the season, the contestants will join TVNZ2’s Survivor cast in a shock media merger move. The final victor will be left atop a plinth, ring in one hand and half-eaten Bowden leg in the other.
18) The tim tam
Please for the love of all things holy let that be Black Doris flavoured.
17) The surfer
That HAS to be Maz Quinn boldly returning to reality TV after hating his life on Dancing With the Stars right? HAS to be.
16) The car
Mum comes to pick someone up because their licence has been suspended for drink driving?
15) The mansion
Meet The Bachelorette who worked 58 jobs and ate nothing but loose soil for 17 years who has just bought her first property.
14) The chicken
The Bachelor NZ is proud to use free range eggs
13) Crying baby
In an emotional reveal, a Bachelorette gets struck down with whatever Benjamin Button had.
12) Half n’ half
Could you be the devil? Could you be an angel?
11) Zac pull focus
Depth of field in an emoji?! Alright Orson Welles.
10) Hush your mouth
Ashley Madison Scandal Part II: The Return ft. Mediaworks star Duncan Garner.
9) Zac rose
Hello white nail polish I didn’t see you there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8) Mouth vs foot
Okay. Okay. This is either cannibalism or a sex moment or someone putting their foot in their mouth metaphorically. I know which one I’m gunning for *waggles eyebrows until they flake off*
Either The Champagne Lady is going to pop up without warning or the contestants are going to have to drink their own piss. I’m happy with either.
6) Bikini bod
Naz is back baby. (Don’t tell Rachel Smalley).
5) Poignant grave
The Bachelor and Bachelorettes pay their respects to season two, laying a single rose for the ghost of Mike Puru.
4) Group date
In a threatening move, the ghost of B. Doris haunts the Bachelor mansion leaving ominous messages on the wall in plum jam.
3) Dom Bowden
Fuck, this is just so good. Is it for a funeral pamphlet or a t-shirt or a funeral t-shirt? Screw it, if anyone wants to join my gang, I am legitimately getting this printed onto a crisp white tee as we speak.
2) The burrito
Just a great emoji that I have needed every day of my life up until this point.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! When presented to Spinoff editor Duncan Greive, he rather crudely remarked that Zac’s pecs looked rather like a bum. Politics editor Toby Manhire took issue elsewhere, exclaiming with furore that Zac’s missing nipples were, and I quote, “a social justice issue.” He failed to notice that Zac was also missing hands.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.