It is week three of series six of The Block NZ and Jane Yee has figured out her Lings from her Zings. But how are they doing? Are they any good at renovating property? Does it matter? What is life?
“I do not want Julia and Ali’s house because they have ****** those two rooms”
And with that Stace and Yanita’s namaste packed up its yoga mat and sashayed off site.
The Besties ran out of their super chill vibes this week when their hard-earned room reveal win was snaked from them by The Evil Twins of Doom. Julia and Ali played their minus-two gamechanger, won fair and square in your average toilet-paper-spinning contest in which the gravity of the prize was definitely appropriate to the challenge. Have a kombucha and calm down Stace and Yanita!
Andy and Nate also had a tough time at room reveal because the judges couldn’t stop giggling at the monstrous disaster that was their Spanish public loo and their teeny tiny cactus.
The cold, black bathroom was probably inspired by Julia and Ali’s cold black hearts, and clearly quite taken with the homage The Twins hooked up The Blokes with a sweet 9/10 for team judging (which Stace and Yanita were very zen about).
There were two art-based challenges this week – a Kiwiana challenge and a plaster art challenge judged by highly acclaimed local artists Dick Frizzell and Mark Richardson respectively. Stace and Yanita won both – the first based on some skill, maybe? The second because The Artist Formerly Known As Mark Richardson felt sorry for them.
This week on The Block was a short one and clearly the producers took off for the long weekend leaving the intern in charge. There was no specific room to renovate – just the ‘blank canvas’ that was the leftover bits of their upstairs – and no specific brief either. Six seasons in and everyone is still just making this show up as they go along.
In an exciting development, after three weeks on The Block I have now learnt everybody’s names and can tell you which one is Ling and which one is Zing – I can also tell Ali and Julia apart. To celebrate I’ll start using their names in my power rankings henceforth. Speaking of which…
1. ANDY AND NATE
Cancel the live auction, and give a million dollars to Andy and Nate this instant! Also chuck them the keys to the Peoples’ Choice car, because this week they won the keys to my heart simply by hanging out with their families at a playground for fifteen minutes.
If I’m totally honest, I was extra emotionally involved in this scene because as The Blokes wandered down Sackville Street in Grey Lynn to meet the fam, they passed the grottiest flat I’ve ever lived in. Such fond memories of having to go through the bug-infested outdoor laundry to get to the loo in the middle of the night.
This week The Blokes further proved their true blue kiwi-ness by smashing the go-kart challenge, remaining humble, lending things to and carrying things for everyone, and existing on a diet of Cornflakes alone. You can bet if they had feijoas on hand they would be leaving bagfuls on their competitors’ front porches.
Andy and Nate’s blank canvas space this week is a sunny, soothing study that makes the most of its north facing aspect with some internal windows to maximise light and warmth to the hallway. Kiwis bloody love the sun. Kiwis bloody love buying houses. Andy and Nate are bloody kiwis thinking about what bloody kiwis want in their bloody houses. Straight to number one for these Waikato Wonders.
2. STACE AND YANITA
The Besties are doing a media-cum-guest room this week with a brief of ‘chill, versatile and minimal’. Seems like a great option for extra hair storage. For real though, is anyone else still very distracted by Yanita’s hair? I know Steak and Cheese pretty much hate Julia and Ali for beating them at everything and I know they had a situation with some cavity sliders, but the rest of their week is a mystery to me. It’s all been completely overshadowed by the existence of that mountainous mane.
I’m not imagining things either, Yanita’s mop was the besties’ undoing during the go-kart challenge. She admitted on camera that she struggled to get her helmet on because of her “massive hair” and ultimately it cost them the win. I honestly can’t believe The Wolf is getting so worked up about Ling and Zing not sweeping up sawdust when Yani’s walking around site with a giant hazard attached to her head.
I’m putting The Besties at number two because Yanita’s tresses are undoubtedly the result of witchcraft and I’d rather not have a plague on my house tbh. Also Yani’s mad skillz won The Besties a minus-two gamechanger that they definitely won’t be afraid to play come room reveal after themselves falling victim to its sting last week. They would’ve taken out the top spot if I wasn’t so nervous about this terrible decal idea of theirs. Durasealing my school books was hell on earth so I can’t begin to imagine the horror of trying to Duraseal a bloody room.
3. LING & ZING
I don’t have much to report on Ling and Zing’s progress this week as they’ve been mooching around doing not much of anything. The Wolf is super pissed with The Ings’ lackadaisical attitude and their tendency to let their tradies get on with it while they continue their eternal smoko break in the tropical climes of Auckland’s North Shore.
Constantly concerned about the risk of people tripping over things, Wolfie gave Ling and Zing a dressing down for being useless lazies.
Being modern open-minded millennials the brothers took the site foreman’s critique onboard with good grace.
Look, let’s face it, Ling and Zing give absolutely zero shits about anything. Failed insulation installation, water on their mortar, no skill on the downhill – what would be panic stations for other humans is simply another day in the life of for Ling and Zing. Mate, they’re just bloody happy to be here.
This week Ling and Zing are turning their Blank Canvas space into a neutral, calming, zesty, kiwiana, skuxx hall and guest room. Just take a moment to read that self-prescribed brief again. I mean, it starts out pretty good but it then really rapidly takes a turn. Zesty, kiwiana and skuxx sounds right up Jason Bonham’s alley, he’s one-hundred percent going to love this. But on the off-chance old J’Bo doesn’t dig the lads’ kooky vibe, I’m dropping the Canterbury Cruisers to second-last.
4. JULIA & ALI
Remember how last week I said someone could legitimately lose a room reveal cash prize because the twins were better at spinning loo paper than them? THAT HAPPENED. What the hell is this show? Get me the TV Guide’s PO Box number immediately. The Twins won bathroom week at Stace and Yanita’s expense, but they don’t feel guilty because they are aliens. Proof:
This week Julia and Ali are having another crack at a green kids’ room, because… hell, I can’t tell you why. It seems like a bum move to me – The Block isn’t school, you don’t get to keep having a crack until you’re granted an ‘At Standard’. Plus what happens if the judges hate it again? How far will they go to redeem themselves? Will they turn the kitchen into a kid’s room? The garage? Will it be the first house in human history to just be filled with shitty green kids’ rooms?
I’ve tried to like the twins but this week they got the better of me and I’m now officially a Not Fan. Earlier today I sent a contextless message to my friend saying “I definitely do not like the twins anymore” and she immediately knew I was talking about Ali and Julia and not my own twins (who definitely annoy me often), which just goes to show how grating they can be.
And so The Twins are at the bottom of the heap this week, even though it’s likely they’ll get an okay score for their second bite at a kid’s room. I can’t in good conscience put them higher in the rankings if they’re going to insist on saying shit like “there’s no way I’m having a solar shower, because I’m not a peasant” while there are people actually dying from the cold right now.
THERE IS NOT AN ORIGINAL IDEA ON THE BLOCK
Peter Wolfkamp is an expert on everything in the world ever, majoring in wearing high vis with a minor in the bleedin’ obvious. This week he blew everyone’s minds not once, but twice, when he busted out this profound gem “time is time.” Mic drop. Wolfie out.
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