The Spinoff assembled this week to test run the CSI drinking game. This is their story.
We are in the throes of the silly season, where the alcohol flows like water and the work functions are awkward enough to make you want to lock yourself away in a manger. But fret not, for there is a corner of the internet devoted solely to the TV-inspired drinking game. And what better show to reflect this merry time of year than CSI, where the presents come in body bags and the flakes of snow are mostly the dead skin of a missing person.
Now, to drink along with CSI there are some easy and classic rules. Drink for flashbacks, re-enactments and theme songs. Drink for dead bodies, drink for one-liners, drink for lab coats. Frankly, these are for amateurs. After indulging in a night of serious crime scene investigation with some colleagues (who have since requested their names redacted) it became clear there were many more dark alleyways to be explored.
Allow me to present The Spinoff’s 23 simple rules for absolutely murdering the CSI drinking game.
Drink for every (dirt) flirt
“Foreplay is foreplay” a character announced, the lot of us being so overcome with the flirt levels that we clink bottles and finished our drinks. Later on, this would backfire as a colleague would passionately yell “HE’S FLIRTING WITH THE DIRT” when he was, in fact, merely sniffing the dirt.
Drink for putting sunglasses on and off
Take an extra big sip if they do both in one scene.
Drink for every acronym
DNA, CSI, LOL, DA, WTF, RPM, OMG… RIP
Drink for cool and weird fashion
It was the early 2000s and everyone was all about huge crucifix necklaces and tops with tiny buttons that lead to nowhere. It’s Y2K chaos and it’s good to get things rolling along. Take an extra sip for anything in caramel suede.
Everyone except you drinks if you correctly guess a celebrity cameo
“IT’S BOONE FROM LOST” – ████ (redacted coworker)
“IT’S TREY FROM THE OC”– ██████ (other redacted coworker)
Let’s just say one person lost that one. Which leads me to the next rule…
If you make a bad call, take a big old sip on your own
“That’s Patton Oswalt” – █████
Drink every time someone says something weird
“My wife was murdered two years ago, and I couldn’t even get a cop to return my phone calls” – A bit part extra
Drink every time Grissom listens to opera
“Shhh sshhhh shhh. There’s opera playing. That’s got to be something, right?” ███████ drinks before anyone can answer.
Drink every time a character drops an unironic “that’s what she said” into conversation
It doesn’t come that often, but boy is it satisfying when it does (that’s what she said).
Drink when your coworker tries for 100 years to pause the TV with the wrong remote
Cat used to protect the identity of the accused.
Drink for every blacklight jizz reveal
CSI is dripping with semen from start to finish, so this is a great one if you want to get a room full of people yelling “LOOK AT ALL THAT JIZZ” excitedly.
Drink when you drunkenly message your boyfriend to join you
Drink every time Peter Dunne reveals his side job
Drink every time someone doesn’t know what a butthole is
███████ : “What’s a rectum?”
████████ : “Come on ███████, you know what a rectum is”
█████ from across the room: “BUTTHOLE”
Drink when you realise your boyfriend can bring McDonald’s
Drink every time a colleague tries to justify a murder
“Fair” mutters ████████, taking an unsanctioned swig of beer.
Drink for every unnecessary science fact
Drink when someone looks like they have noodles for hair
“IT’S THE GUY FROM NICKELBACK” slurred ████████ from the depths of the couch. Incorrect, and now you gotta drink.
Drink every time there is a brain
And eventually, your eyes will roll back inside your head until you see your own brain. Then you can have another drink!
Drink when someone decides to turn CSI off
And you start making calls to the morgue to see if they have room for your own corpse.
Drink when you all start listening to ‘Closing Time’ in the dark.
You don’t have to go home but you can’t. Stay. Here.
If you dare delve into the blacklight terror of the CSI drinking game, check it out on Lightbox below
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