The Bachelor NZ royal couple Art and Matilda are having a baby. Here is Alex Casey’s unsolicited gift to them.
I thought my days of crying at the dairy were over, but alas. As the man behind the counter grabbed his scissors, cut off the plastic twine and tore back the wrapping on his stack of Women’s Day freshies, a single tear slid down my cheek. There they were: Art and Matilda, embracing on a Waiheke beach. A wedding. A baby. And a funeral (mine). “Oh that’s so cool,” cooed the lady who was buying bread behind me, “they’re so cute.” I croaked at her that today be made a national holiday. She agreed. That’s quorum.
“Art and I are absolutely over the moon,” Rice told Woman’s Day. “We always knew we wanted to start a family, but never imagined we’d be lucky enough to share our special day with our wee son or daughter.” See that? Our special day. Me and them. And all of us, in a way. “We can’t wait to tell our little one how they were such a special part of Mum and Dad’s special day,” Green later specified, rudely. Still, I haven’t been this happy since Matootles came on The Real Pod and we had to photoshop a Christmas tree over my sweat patches.
As someone who has been following Art and Matilda both literally and figuratively for the past four years, and firmly believes that they are New Zealand’s greatest love story, I am frankly beside myself. Please allow me to present the following as a wedding present to the happy couple – a concise shortlist of names for the royal reality baby.
Meowser
The obvious frontrunner. This unique unisex name would pay tribute to a key player in the blossoming of Art and Matilda’s love – Meowser the tabby cat from Tauranga. Fans of The Bachelor NZ will remember their single date to the Fountain Gardens, where a steamy picnic was usurped by the flirtatious moggy, who lolled about and flashed his privates while the pair shared one of their very first kisses.
In a sinister twist, we would later find out that Meowser wasn’t his name at all. “They didn’t know what the cats’ names were, so I think he just made that up,” Fountain Gardens’s owner Adrienne Connor told the Herald at the time. “His name is Stalker.” To make matters ever more mysterious, she wouldn’t reveal the meaning behind the name for fear of causing “embarrassment for somebody.” Meowser Stalker Green-Rice. Rolls right off the tongue imo.
Optic White ©
Time to reboot Matilda’s iconic white teeth campaign with a little cohost imo. I can hear the ad now – “being a baby is just part of my everyday beauty routine.” Ah wait, babies don’t have proper teeth. Dentures? We’ll make it work.
Zoodle
Both very “them” and very “now”
Sally Ridge
Before there was the baby, there was Brian and Christine. Deftly clickbaited as the first addition to the Green-Rice family, the fluffy, permanently pissed off-looking cats have been a joy to watch on social media. Especially when Art gently pushes them over for no reason at all. But a big bombshell came last year, when I broke the exclusive story that nobody read about how Brian and Christine used to belong to no other than DAME SALLY RIDGE HERSELF.
Naming the child Sally Ridge Rice-Green would be a moving testament to the woman who raised the baby’s siblings Brian and Christine, as well as a hat tip to the reality stars of yesteryear. Frankly, it’s perfect.
Biltong
Rose
I mean, this one is obvious. From the first impression rose, to the final rose, blooms… the Baby Rose.
Doris
This is a two-fold opportunity. Art and Matilda are clearly fans of dorky names, with chooks called Moira, Linda, Tanya and Susan. Doris would fit in nicely here, a classic old-timey name that is also a nod to one of the most excruciating mishaps on The Bachelor NZ season one. Enjoying a lovely Kapiti ice-cream drop on their date, Kristy asked what flavour it was. “Black Doris,” said Art. “She makes a good ice-cream,” said Kristy. NoooOOOOooOOooo.
Happy
Another gorgeous unisex name that pays homage to both the feelings I am feeling in my heart and the vengeful koala that crapped on Matilda in Australia. I’m told that babies crap a lot, and that they continue to crap as adults, so this really is an evergreen choice.
Mike
It’s the name of both the man that brought them together on national television (Puru) and the name of another celebrity who is on shaky ground for Dancing With the Stars NZ this year (McRoberts). I strongly believe that Art’s decision, and therefore their whole relationship, and therefore this baby, hinged heavily on this persuasive lad chat between Green and Puru halfway through season one. Absolute lifesaver.
Do the right thing. Mike Green-Rice 2019. Congratulations to the happy couple and congratulations to all of us on our special, special day.