Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including super-yacht surgery, love triangles, and the arrival of a brand new cocky doctor.
1) Drew: oh Captain, my Captain
Talk about better work stories: “Kylie, remember that time we were cooking tenderloins and were suddenly taken hostage on that super-yacht? With the anaesthelogist who didn’t speak English, the weird guy threatening to kill us, and that bloke who wanted a chin implant so he could evade Interpol?”
They were good times, alright. Watching Drew in action this week made me want to sharpen my toy scalpel and purchase an online medical diploma, so that I too can perform substandard surgery on a man named Andrei who wears dirty socks and finely creased trousers.
Drew, you are a super-yacht super-surgical legend. We salute you, and your tenderloins.
2) Harry kicks his sadness away
Keep up the good work, Hazza.
3) Andrei puts on a brave face
Andrei, we hardly knew him. It’s even sadder that we won’t recognise him if we ever meet again.
4) Esther faces a tough choice
Esther was a troubled soul this week. That arm sling was driving her nuts, a patient had the audacity to die on her watch, and two men battled for a place in her uncertain heart.
Should Esther stay with Finn, who wanted to buy her a Californian Kingsize bed, or be with Curtis, who was fired for standing up for Esther? A great night’s sleep vs. unfaltering loyalty and devotion? It’s a tough choice. Those beds are HUGE.
5) Cam is a dick
Cam became so entangled in the sticky strands of his own web of lies that he ended up prisoner on a boat with his girlfriend, brother, spurned ex-lover, ex-lover’s grumpy husband, and two thugs with guns. Sounds like a bloody great dinner party to me, but Cam wasn’t so keen.
Look, it’s not every day your ex-lover turns up out of the blue and demands you give her husband a new face, so it’s no wonder Cam made a few poor choices. Alas, Kylie drew the line at performing illegal surgery on her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s husband, and fled Ferndale to escape Cam and his lying, stealing, coke-snorting ways.
“I get it, I’m a dick,” said Cam. Indeed.
6) Lucy, for this sneaky selfie
7) Bella puts the children first
Prepare yourselves, for it seems there’s trouble ahead for our two favourite love pigeons Boyd and Bella. Some people guilt-trip their spouses into taking out the rubbish or doing the dishes; Bella took it up a level and pressured Boyd into performing unauthorised surgery on an innocent child. It’s for the children! They’re our future! Treat them well, and let them lead the way!
Boyd knew he had no choice but to operate. If he stayed in that supply cupboard any longer, Bella would start banging on about Melissa the Ghost, and ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
8) Dr Logan, I presume
A new cocky male doctor at Shortland Street? Hard to believe, and yet, here he is. Dr Hawks Logan strode his way into Shortland Street, full of confidence and stinking of fish guts. Hawks was a perplexing enigma wrapped in a grotty flannel shirt, a mysterious character with no virtual footprint or sense of smell.
Just what could Hawks be hiding? Did he once perform plastic surgery on a super-yacht? Can he kick his left leg higher than Harry Warner? Was his browsing history wiped by a polymer insert infected with a mystery virus? Probably all of these things, or maybe none. Hard to know.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.