Superfan Tara Ward counts down the top ten moments from episode two of Outlander season three. Contains spoilers, obviously.
If you thought last week’s episode of Outlander was heartbreaking, then you need to prepare yourselves. I have bad, bad news. Something terrible has happened to Jamie Fraser, and it looks like this:
Jamie has 99 problems and that magnificent mane is only one of them. The Redcoats have hunted him for six long years, scouring the Highlands for ‘The Dunbonnet’, a ye olde Gaelic phrase that possibly means ‘giant with bad hair’. The poor lamb is forced to live in a cave — A CAVE, I TELL YOU — and he’s so traumatised he can barely speak.
On the plus side, he managed to zsuzsh up his hidey-hole with some a few scented candles, though some cushions and a nice throw rug wouldn’t go amiss either, bae.
Life is grim for Outlander’s hero, and yes, I am mostly referring to the hair situation. It’s like gorse – rampant and wild and about to swallow up the world’s ecosystem. Yet it kept Big Red camouflaged among the Scottish wilderness, meaning the English would have better luck finding a hairy potato in a beret than they would the golden delicious apple that is James Fraser.
But what of life in the future? Claire was bored shitless, trapped in a suburban wife-cave of her own with only a failed pavlova for company. She enrolled in medical school, Brianna did amazing baby things, and Frank fixed the boiler wearing only a towel. Great work Professor, a definite improvement on last week’s legendary tea bag contribution.
Shoot me with a bow and arrow and chuck me in a dark cave of emotion, because it’s time to capture the top ten moments of Outlander S2E03.
1) WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS
2) Jenny is every flavour of awesome
Who else but Jenny would give birth on a bundle of hay and nek minnit ask her brother when he last got laid? Who else would call a Redcoat ‘a daft loon’? Bloody Jenny, bloody legend.
3) Brianna rolls over, which simultaneously causes the boiler to break and end civilisation as we know it
Call me a potato and stick a bonnet on my head, cos I am done.
4) Jamie’s face acting
Jamie’s eyeballs are a gateway into a soul more tortured than Geillis Duncan’s husband when he had trapped gas. Jamie barely spoke, yet his mournful eyes told a million stories like “shut up about my hair, I live in a cave ffs” and “my wife saw an elephant once” but mostly “my cave smells like feet”.
5) Claire and Frank entertain their annoying friends
This scene made the top ten purely because Claire makes a mother flipping pavlova. As for Millie and her wine-guzzling, gauche AF husband: finish your Eton Mess and GTFO already.
6) It’s all fun and games until someone loses a bedroom eye
Sweet baby cheeses, this episode had more horn than a symphony orchestra.
Come away from the fire, Jamie, for that wood is sparking and I’m concerned for your health and safety.
If there was internet in the 1700s, then ol Dunbonnet’s saucy stares would’ve broken it down dead. “You’d be dead, he’d be dead, we’d all be dead,” Jenny said and I’m 103% sure she was referring to this eye sex montage and not the English chopping Fergus’s hand off.
I mean IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS THE BOILER JUST WORKING.
Meanwhile in Frankland…
7) Mary McNab makes a house call
Who knew “I’m going to wash up in the river” was code for “undress and have your wicked way with me”? Always learning, always growing, bless you Outlander.
8) RIP to Fergus’s hand and all of the things
If you listen hard enough you’ll hear the silent, dead tears of the innocent creatures and/or body parts that met their maker in this episode. Let’s say a little prayer and shimmy naked before an open fire as we mourn their loss — apart from Jamie’s hair, because holy haggis on toast, that had to go.
9) Claire breaks through the wood panelled ceiling
Dr Claire Randall: upsetting men in cardigans since 1743.
10) Jamie hands himself over to the Redcoats
You live, you laugh, you dance like nobody’s watching and then your sister dobs you in to the English. Ya daft loon, Jamie.
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