This is Auckland, where new money meets old. Alex Casey is going to try and laugh at The Real Housewives of Auckland through her weekly power rankings – because if we can’t laugh then all we have is the void. Click here for previous instalments.
This episode started so calmly and innocuously, with Gilda having a comical altercation with a hilarious road-crossing chicken…
And by the end of it…
So on this, the most dramatic night of pissed-up parrots, cocks in tills and Chardonnay whores, let us rank the last episode so we can all get out of here and rock ourselves to sleep in a bubble bath.
1) Gilda Kirkpatrick (or… Fitzpatrick?)
Gilda unbuttoned her blazer, chokered-up to the nines and let fucking rip for the final episode, like it’s the last day of high school when you all run around shrieking and hissing like newborn dragons. So many death stares:
So much ownage:
But things went about as crazy as a dance student at a book launch when Angela goaded her to have another drink:
Give me nine glasses of Chardonnay to process all of this intensity, and somewhere along the line give a toast to Gilda Kirkpatrick, who definitely doesn’t have the intellectual ability of -50.
2) Michelle Blanchard
After spending her last 17 birthdays in either Miami or the Caribbean, you can only imagine how stoked Michelle was to finally celebrate on home soil with all her beloved friends who love and respect each other so much.
She did get absolutely showered with gifts though, from Gucci rings, to expensive champagne, to some fugly haunted candelabra from approximately Shakespeare times:
Thanks for the memories Michelle, thanks for the frozen M in your namesake and thank you forever for taking Anne to twerk class.
More from The Spinoff on the Real Housewives finale:
3) Anne Batley Burton
Just when I thought I had seen it all, here comes Anne bloody Batley Burton, hooting and hollering about how she once dressed up to impress DONALD TRUMP so that she could open a SNAKESKIN EMPORIUM?!
Perhaps it was the residents of The Pussy Palace that he was referring to grabbing all along? With it being the final episode of the show, we were finally allowed to see Anne BB in her natural state: drunk as a skunk who has since been made into a fur coat.
With her dress sliding off her shoulders and champagne sloshing around in her mitts, Anne still managed to deliver this fully sick burn in defence of Gilda:
Thank you for everything apart from your off-handed racism Anne, may your pussies stay nourished, your champagne flute polished, and you wang dang doodled.
4) Louise Wallace
First of all, how good would it be to chat to Louise Wallace on talkback about champagne socialism at 1.30am?!
Louise rocked up to Michelle’s birthday party ready for battle, armed with both the knowledge that Julia and Angela were plotting against her, and these fetching protective bees which I can only assume are the same Robo-Bees from Richie Rich:
The shit hit the fan for Louise when all her whisperings about Michelle Blanchard and her husband’s giant chequebook came to light. It’s a real shame, Lou went so far out of her way to get Michelle a thoughtful gift and everything:
Louise, you may be a good actor but you are the weakest present-buying link: goodbye.
5) Angela Stone
Angie and Jules hit up the Antiques stores to find Michelle a birthday present, debating whether they should get this cheap-ass vintage Louis Vuitton trunk…
Angela was very determined to put the cat amongst the pigeons tonight, which is why she used that phrase at least 37 times over the course of the episode. But first, she had to be picked up by Julia. Truly hanging out the passenger’s side of her best friend’s ride:
“I think you’ve come in at the wrong end of the stick” Angela hollered at Gilda from across the room during the shouting match of modern times. There were verbal lemons being hurled left right and centre, and marshmallow Ange had no time to peel them and ask them who they were.
It was Angela Stone who killed me. With the candelabra. In the fancy house.
6) Julia Sloane
History will remember Julia Sloane for one and thing and one thing only, but let it be said that we wouldn’t have wandered into this RHOAKL Battle of the Bastards had it not been for all of Julia’s meddling.
Luckily Gilda stepped in and called a spade a spade…
Smell ya later Jules!
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