Alex Casey breaks down the first episode of The Bachelor NZ season three by way of very accurate statistical analysis.
The Bachelor NZ roared back into our screens tonight like a burnt orange Suzuki Ignis driven at about 7km an hour by none other than Zac Franich himself. Before I put my stake in the ground (my very scientific contestant power rankings will be here on Tuesday morning) allow me to say this: I think this season is going to be real good. Zac possesses all the ingredients for a perfect Bachelor: the gnashers of a handsome great white, the dorky humour of your Dad’s toilet book and the awkwardness of a 13 year old at a school dance.
The women are all incredible too, from Nina the chortling Harry Potter nerd to Molly the Quizmaster who congratulated Zac for wearing shoes, and every sparkling contestant in between. Some deft, affectionate editing suggests that the people behind the scenes are also letting loose after last season’s po-faced nightmare. Overly-hokey flashbacks, leaving in false starts, and seeing Bachelorettes face-palm themselves only makes for better telly: we’re all in on the joke now.
Anyway, I’m excited to go on this journey together and promise to have an open heart and be honest and let the cards fall and the walls down. Here’s The Bachelor NZ premiere by the numbers.
Number of new hosts: 1
Mike Puru was ousted from the show to make way for Dominic Bowden, New Zealand’s evergreen reality television host. Bowden managed to get more airtime in episode one than Mike Puru did for the entire first two seasons combined, orbiting the driveway after every three or four women to ask ‘brutha’ Zac what he was thinking. I predict they will be having a beer and brushing a horse – or whatever it is that men do together – by the end of episode two.
Number of back tattoos: at least 89
From etched Cat Stevens lyrics to several shapes that seemed like ancient crop circles from yonderyear, the ink runs thick and fast in The Bachelor NZ mansion. Claudia allegedly has a sloth tattoo on her butt, so who knows what other illustrated delights lie before us.
Number of new white roses: 1
I’ve already delved into the mysteries of the white rose, and continue to be none the wiser. All we can be sure of is that, as with all things white, it’s absolutely privileged up the wazoo.
Number of potential boners hidden by the white rose: 1
Number of white Bach’ettes: 98%
White rose. White toothpaste. White wine. White house. White people.
Number of candles: 900,000
If season two taught us anything, it’s that The Bachelor NZ needs to be ready to burn everything straight to the ground at any second. But this, this is ridiculous.
Number of whale facts: 0
What’s sexier than a strip-tease? A FACT-tease. When asked for a fact – Zac intently waiting with pen and paper in hand – Molly uttered “…whales…” and not much else. 10/10 would quiz again.
Number of sparks: 5
Look, all I’m saying is keep an eye on Viarni, Hannah, Lily and Jess. And Dom.
Number of chime sound effects:
Number of Bachelorettes who missed the open door: 2
Perhaps blinded by the candle, both Viarni and Taylar found themselves wandering either past the house completely or straight into a closed door. I blame the candles.
Number of Moaning Myrtle impressions: 1
Where Jordan ‘Smeagol’ Mauger dropped the “c’mon let’s go to the party” gauntlet with his atrocious impression from Lord of the Rings, Claudia picked it up and sprinted straight into the goblet of fire with her stunning Moaning Myrtle impression from Harry Potter. Prediction: Claudia will spend the rest of the season in the toilet.
The Bachelor NZ airs 7pm Sundays and 7.30pm Mondays on Three
This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us hire more journalists and do more investigations. Or get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.