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Flaming deaths and more holiday cheer from the Shortland Street cliffhanger

It’s Christmas in Ferndale, which means thing have to go off a cliff one way or another. Tara Ward counts down the top 10 moments from last night’s finale.

The Shortland Street 2016 cliffhanger hit our screens last night, and expectations were higher than Kirsty Knight’s fringe in the early ’90s. Alas, the television event of the year was less cliff, more low-grade slope. It was a dark and grim hour of television, even after Damo arrived in a haze of dry ice and electric dance music.

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There was drama aplenty, but most was resolved within the hour. With little else on offer than a disappearing ham and an exploding car, I leapt on whatever tasty morsels of festive tension I could find, like a feral child at a lolly scramble. Did Ali survive the explosion? Who’s ‘The Boss’, if it’s not Tony Danza or Detective Cochran? And if Christmas is for everyone, where was Harry bloody Warner?

Most importantly, where will Kate find a replacement ham at this late stage?

Christmas is coming, so let’s return to this festering sluice pond of grief and despair and enjoy the top ten moments of the finale. Quickly, before the tension re Kate’s ham kills us all.

That ham. Cuts me right to the bone.

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1) TK is the King of the Ferndale Jungle

Like a ferocious, mumbling lion circling his prey, TK shouted and sneered at Hayden until he succumbed to the power of the beast. TK was a husky freak of nature: shot, beaten, kicked and insulted, yet not one hair on his head dared move out of place. Rawrrrr, TK, raaaawrrrr.

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2) It’s not Christmas without Kate’s ham

Leroy gobbling up Kate’s Christmas ham is the real tragedy of 2016. Kate does ham. SHE ALWAYS DOES HAM.

We’ve all cried over cold meat, Kate. Nobody’s judging.

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3) Glen’s death scream

 Glen met a flaming end, either burned to death or killed by his own high-frequency squeal of terror. Either way, RIP, you lying weirdo.

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4) Mo dances like nobody’s watching

Best part of this whole sorry mess, imo.

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5) Trina dies

“Hayden can’t hurt you now. You’re safe,” TK told Trina. She’s also dead. Bless TK, he’s never been big on details.

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6) Ali “goes all Muslim” on Lucy

Someone call the fun police, because Ali’s desire to leave Ferndale and not die completely ruined Lucy’s plans for Christmas dinner. Selfish bastard.

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7) “It’s always been you” — TK and Kylie declare their love

There’s no better time to announce your undying love than when you’re digging your own grave. You guys, so romantic.

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8) Finn accidentally hits Leanne

Amazing facial, Leanne, fo’ shizzle.

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9) TK holds Hayden’s head under water

“He’ll drown!” squealed gun-toting Kylie. I think that’s the point, Kyles.

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10) Nicole and Ruby begin their affair

Nicole was miserable, mostly because she was stuck at the shittiest Christmas party ever and she wasn’t even drunk.

“It wasn’t ‘Silent Night’ that made you sad,” said Ruby, who prattled on about the meaning of Christmas until Nicole did us all a favour and made her stop talking. See Ruby, Christmas is for everyone.

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Goodbye, Ferndale. May your glow-stick always shine, your Christmas parties always suck, and may you never cry over cold meat again. Mostly because ham is on special at Countdown, right now. It’s a Christmas miracle!


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